Balancing Act

Blog News
First off, I'm having issues. What????? Me???? Issues??? No, really, I am. If you are the owner of a blog that has multiple posting options (live journal, blogger, ID something or other) I can't comment on your blog. Graciela, Velda, 20somethingfatty, I can't post. I'm reading everything you write, but I can't comment. My computer screen comes up with an error code "error on page". At first, I thought it was my work server putting up a soft firewall, but I've tried to comment from home and it's doing the same thing. I'm so sorry for not offering up support. I feel like I'm being cut off from my family. If you want to e-mail me your address I can e-mail me your comments. Big hugs to those of you that haven't heard from me lately. I'm still rooting for you, in all that you do!

Queenie
Queenie is still planning on moving back to Cobourg She has hit a bump in the road courtesy of her father. He is juvenile in his thoughts and more so in his actions. His actions are again affecting how she is feeling about moving there.

Cute Boy and I are of two minds about her moving to Cobourg. It's good. It's not so good. It is her life though and she needs to live it. All we can do is support her decisions to the best of our ability and be available to her in the event she needs us. Isn't that the job of a parent anyway?

Princess
She is still not at home. That is tough! No if, ands or buts about it. I don't like the idea of her not living at home, but she needs to figure some things out for herself. I have to step aside and realize no amount of crying or coddling is going to bring her home. It isn't that I don't want her in our home and being cared for by me or Cute Boy, for that matter. I just will not allow myself to feel the hurt of asking her to come home and getting the "No". The emotional cost is too high for me. It's not pride. It's trying to protect my emotional state and my heart from further hurt.

Cute Boy
We are great and that is no small miracle. Any long time reader will know that we struggle in our life, in our ability to communicate from time to time. I hate those times more than mere words can convey. As much as I dislike those times, I'm starting to learn a lot from them. The lessons learned are many and not lost on me.

What I've learned in the last couple months is that Cute Boy is amazing and just what I need in my life. I've always thought he is amazing, now I know he's amazing for me. He offers support, love and understanding. There are so many times that I come here and dump my negative and don't give him enough credit in the good that he represents to me. That is the balance that I strive for in my day to day life.

I love the strength he shows. I love the strength he sees in me that I don't always see. I love the uncompromising morals. I don't always like when they don't lie in place with my own, but I appreciate the conviction of his beliefs. I love the conversations we are having lately. They do my heart and head good. I love the easy flow that we have right now. I love the sense of commitment and dedication of making our day to day life better for both of us. In the swirl of craziness it is comforting to know I'm blessed with the presence of Cute Boy not only now when life is good between us, but everyday!

There are other thoughts dancing in my head, but I'll keep them there for now for fear of truly and completely falling apart.

The Exodus Edition of my Life

I don't know where to begin. Most people would say, the beginning. Where the hell is the beginning?

Queenie
Queenie came home. Queenie is leaving again. She is not finding what she needs here. Our house doesn't feel like a home to her. She is really struggling. She is going again.

It has been talked about at great length. There is great concern about her leaving again. She has done a good job up to a point of making it work for her on her own. It appears to me that she is stuck in two worlds. A world, where for 2 years she was on her own. Making her own decisions. No parenting involved. No one to answer to. No one to tell her what to do. No one to demand expectations of her. In a school that is filled with other young adults. Now, back home she is in a school with 'kids' and it drives her crazy. I don't want to speak for her or how she feels, but it is as though she is displaced in her life.

This particular topic could go on and on, but I'll keep short in saying, that Queenie leaving is very sad for me. I have loved having her around and it breaks me heart to know I'm not going to see her everyday. It has been very good for us that we have had this time together. I know, it has done me worlds of good. When I kicked her out of the house it was one of my biggest life regrets and to put some of that right again, feels good. Really good.

Princess
Princess has now left home. When will the revolving door of my house/life end, really? I'm not saying this for pity or compassion. I'm not looking for it and most importantly I don't want it.

Things have never been easy between Princess and Cute Boy. It is as simple as that. I have been as much a contributing factor to that as anyone. I take my responsibility for that.

My fears of the life Princess will lead while not living at home, scares the hell out of me. I don't even know how to put to words the true depth of my fear. We'll just leave it at that. I've been very quiet about Princess leaving. I think a lot of that silence is the fear. The sadness. The hurt. The worry. The ugly of it. The feelings of failure as a parent.

Me
I never dreamed that I would be living the life I'm living. To think I have a house that neither of my daughters want to live in is just too much for me at times.

I have a life that is sometimes smooth, sometimes not. I am a woman that lives life with my emotions and wouldn't change that even if I could. I'm passionate about the things that matter to me and I'm always trying to figure out how to make those around me that aren't happy happy. I wonder if therein lies my biggest mistake. Worrying more about others than myself and then when I do worry about me and put myself ahead of one or another, I'm left.

I have no relationship with my father (whose birthday is today, by the way) and that is just sad no matter how you look at it. The story is long. The story is simple. I stood up for my children and my father and his wife couldn't handle that and walked away. Sad. There is obviously a lot more to the story, too much to write. The short and long of it is - no relationship with my father.

I don't stand up and fight much for my own happiness, as much as I am happy, I just don't fight for it often because people walk away if you don't tow the line.

My dad - walked away
Queenie - walked away
Princess - walked away

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but just to get the rattling thoughts out of my head.

I never know if you read or when you read if you do. In case this is one of those times - I love you!

I Wish

Things as usual, are a mess!

I wonder at times, why life works the way it does. I just don't get it how sometimes things can just flow so smoothly and then 'BAM' right when you least expect it, you're on your ass looking around for what went wrong. In this particular case, I know what went wrong and I'll not get in to that here or now. I will ride it out and for once not use this as a mental dumping ground.

Instead I will do this - I WISH

• I had your strength

You know, I started this post to list things I wished for in and around my life. Where things weren't working, how things were making feel and how I wish they were different. I was wanting to list things to show how I feel unappreciated and not understood, now not so much. I list one thing - the brave fight of a most amazing, courageous and beautiful woman and everything else pales in comparison.

All the things I'm feeling are just so unimportant now. I will deal with my life and the way I feel right now, at another time. I will continue on how I am - quiet and alone with my thoughts. Talk is cheap. Screaming and storming off in a fit of whatever, even more so. The quiet continues, the hurts fester, but life goes on.

I leave you with a beautiful song - Rascal Flatts

"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big