Long Time No Communication

I have not blogged in a dog's age.  To the point of why bother anymore?

Most of my computer time is spent on a wedding board and mindless clicking game links on Facebook.  I don't  do much blog related activity at home, never have and the work computer parameters have changed so much that I can read blogs, but can't access my own blog from work.

Even as I start this, I wonder who out there is interested in what I have to say anyway, so has the blogging world really lost much when I've not been blogging?  I think the answer that best applies, would be: NO!

Never one to give up or in easily, I'm still here. My fingers continue to type.

Live, since I've last been here, has been hectic to say the least.

• Princess and the Prince have moved away. My heart breaks a little every day.  I'm getting used to it, but it's not easy.  I am very proud of her and her quest to go back to school.  I just really wish she would stay in town to do it. 
• Queenie is doing really well.  Very proud of her. 
• Wedding plans are fast and furious.  I'm enjoying myself and questioning my decisions most every day.  It's insane this wedding planning business. 
• Cuteboy and I are quickly approaching our 2nd annual winter vacation.  I can not wait to put my feet up, read a book and drink free beverages for a week.  REALLY CAN NOT WAIT
• The battle of the body is still ongoing.  I've actually hit my highest weight to date.  It is heart breaking and something I am so tired of dealing with.  I whine and cry and do nothing about making changes.  Things will remain the same if you don't make a change in your behaviour.  I tell myself that, but in the strangest way, it goes right out the other ear.  I've tried switching ears, but it seem both ears allow for important information to escape. 

Anyway, that is my life in a nutshell.  

I think I will attempt be a bit more consistent with my posts.  This is a short one, but it really does feel good to see things coming together in the form of thoughts getting out of my head.  

Until next time.... 

New Little Man About Town

It has taken me quite some time to get pics up of the love of my life. Welcome to the world, my little prince, born Feb 8th, 7lbs 11oz! He shares his birthday with his Auntie Queenie (my oldest daughter).

Princess handled the rigors of labour with class and dignity.

This situation didn't start in a very positive way, but now I couldn't imagine my world without this most handsome little guy in it. He is the apple of his grandma's eye.

Lordy, My Legs!

Yesterday was supposed to be a chest work out day. It was also Cute Boy's oldest daughter's graduation day too. That took precedence. I could have probably been better with time management and fit my work out in too, but I was too busy enjoying the extra time with Cute Boy to bother with working out. My bad, I know! It's all about balance, right?

Graduation was awesome! I will do a post in the next couple days. Suffice it to say we are both very happy to know that half our collected children (2 of 4) have graduated high school. Both of our graduates took a rough route, but they both succeeded and are college bound in a few short months.

Sorry. Back to the topic at hand. My legs. My poor poor legs. Today's workout was short and sweet. I stated in an earlier entry that I'm not a fan of our home gym, but I have amend that statement a wee bit. I'm doing okay with 2 home work outs under my belt. Again, difficulty walking. This time from the lunges, squats and calf raises and not the treadmill workout from my Oxygen magazine.

Squats
1 set - no weight - 12 reps
2nd set - 15lb weight - 12 reps

Lunges
1 set - no weight - 10 reps each leg
2nd set - 10lb weight in my outstretched arms - 10 reps each leg

Low Rise Calf Raises
1 set - no weight - 10 reps
2nd set - 10lbs - 10 reps

Single Leg Step Calf Raises
1 set - no weight - 10 reps each leg
2nd set - 10lbs - 10 reps each leg

You may notice I only did 2 sets of each exercise and most normally you will see 3 sets. 3 is my comfort level and what I was taught and what I do. Today, not going to happen. I was in so much pain by the final rep of the single leg calf raises that I was just about crying from the maniacal laughter.

This work out, as much as it didn't involve a lot of weight, was brutal. I felt my quads in a way that I haven't felt them in a very long time. It felt about as great as I imagine someone sticking needles in my eyes would feel. Again, the stairs are killer and walking down the front steps to the truck this afternoon with Cute Boy was really fun too - NOT. Not when he's snickering at me because I'm walking like I'm a 2 year old just figuring out how to do the stairs alone. Nice! :)

I'm really starting to rethink this at home working out. It's really not all that bad. It just takes an open mind and the drive to follow it through. So far so good.

Balance Board

You know you're struggling with your weight when a loss of .6lb has you fist pumping like a lottery winner.



I felt like a lottery winner when I stepped off that scale this morning.

There was a time when the losses and stay the sames, weren't a bad thing, and it seemed to come easy. I say easy, but I don't mention the 6 days, 8-10 hours I spent in the gym each week. The careful watching of food I ate. The gym and lifestyle were great, but looking back now I see as off balance.

Today, my life has balance. It has some running. No weight training. I hate weight training at home and I hate weight training alone! My life has beer and healthy eating. My life has a man that is not pushing himself or me for something more than what we currently have in our life right now.

There was this moment that happened about 6 weeks ago. My oldest daughter was here when I was getting dressed, and I know not the best message to send to a 19 y.o., but in the end the lesson was taught to me.

Not a lot of clothes fit me right now. I refuse to go shopping to get bigger sizes. I just refuse. That feels to me that I'm giving in to be this weight and I don't want to do that. So, in that line of thought, refusing to shop, I will get back to my story regarding my daughter and the life lesson.

I was getting dressed and I had put on this particular pair of carpi's that I have owned for years. I owned them when I was with my ex-husband and they fit well when I bought them. I continued weight training and running on the treadmill and biking at the gym. The pants got to being unflattering and extremely saggy bummed. He told me time after time that they didn't compliment me and my hard work, that I should throw them out. I continually said I'd keep them for a day that I was just grubbing around the house. The pants never got thrown out, but the marriage ended and the husband is on his way to be coming an ex-husband.

Fast forward to when I was going to wear these pants the other day. I put them on because they are a go-to pair that fit when most everything else is too small. I put the pants on and did them up and then uncontrolled tears just silently rolled down my cheeks until I was sobbing. My daughter walks in and sees me and asks what is wrong and I tell her these pants didn't fit to the point that I should have gotten rid of them and now they are fitting like they should, so much so that I have to put them in to regular rotation! I was so sad.

I've raised a very wise and intuitive daughter. Much wiser than I realized until this particular conversation. Her response was: You and Dad lived your life together and at the gym. You both looked great, but at what cost? You were at they gym working out and getting healthier and Dad was at the gym working out so he could look good to go out and cheat on you. You don't want that and you know you don't. You come home to a man that loves you. He has never made a comment about your weight, he thinks you look great. You come home from work and sit with him on the couch. You talk. You laugh. You have a beer with him and watch the hockey game. You are happy. Which would you want? The life of being thinner than you are now at the gym all the time, trying to please Dad, or feel and look like you do, with a man, like Cute Boy that loves you for you!

Pretty smart girl, huh?

I was crying when I put the pants on and I was crying at that moment. To have such love and support, but most important validation that I did what I could when I could. It was a moment that really impacted me and still does. I am truly blessed with people that understand I struggle with where I was when I was heavier than I want, where I was in my head when I was smaller and how I am still struggling with how I feel as I've gained some of the weight back.

I am working towards the balance and for today, I think I have it!

I am happy with a loss and I am happy to know that eventually I will figure out what best works for me in getting to where I am comfortable and that do that I don't need to be in the gym 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. I don't need steroids - never did them, but was pushed in that direction. I don't need work out pills. I need to drink some water. I need to ingest healthy foods. I need what I have right this very minute. People that support, love and listen.

I'm balancing really well right now!

Let Me Know

There are some things that are brewing around my family again. As some of you may remember, my oldest daughter moved back to Cobourg just before Christmas. Things went well for her for a while and now things are getting out of control for her again.

She has been accepted to the local college here in town. She accepted and then started to waiver in her decision. I think she's scared of being in a structured learning environment again, that and a few other things that are freaking her out. Only 2 weeks ago she wasn't going to school. Fast forward to this morning, she may be moving home in the next couple days and going to school as planned. The program will remain the same, but the end result of the education may very well take her in a direction different from what she originally planned.

This girl of mine is so full of life, but very much in search of something. I have no idea what it is she's looking for, nor does she and this search finds her restless and always on the move. It is a major concern for me when I see her struggling with finding her niche and feeling like she is moving towards a place that is going to find her where she's comfortable. I can't count the number of plans she's told me about and my response to her is always the same, 'Okay, let me know'. It has become something of joke between us now. I don't know what to do for her other than listen and to let her know I'm always her for her no matter the need.

There was a conversation this morning that has Queenie discussing moving home. As I'm composing this entry the cel phone dings a new message reading, "What day works for you this week?' That is what has been going on in my life today.

There are changes underway and when they are firm, as firm as they can be, I'll let you know.

Decisions, Deals and Dollars

My eldest daughter has joined the gym. I may or may not have mentioned that in a previous post. I am so incredibly proud of her. I was talking to her last night about her gym going and the Yoga class she just finished. Queenie in a Yoga class - WOW!

So, not only has my beautiful daughter joined the gym, but she'd joined GoodLife. Oh, how I love GoodLife. I've had some of my most wonderful intense and successful workouts at GoodLife. After a time of cheating on GoodLife and joining Premiere, I would live without working out if Premiere were the only gym in town. It was one of the worst financial decisions I ever made. When I say that, it really means something because I've made a lot of financial mistakes in my times. Still do actually. That is what I'm weighing in my head right now, the possibility of making another financial mistake.

Queenie is able to get me a membership by signing up through her for $22.00 per month. That is insane! I pay more than that for a corporate rate offered at work. I just don't know if I would make it worth my while financially. I know I want to weight train, but would I use it enough to make it worthwhile? Am I just wanting it because I'm running more in preparation of the 1/2 marathon?

I want the arms I used to have. I want the shoulders I used to love see lift things and show wicked beautiful definition. I want the slimmer middle that was brought on by the weights I lifted and lifted with great intensity. Are all these wants enough to pay for themselves in $22.00 per month? In my head - yes. In reality - I just don't know.

I've Done It Again

I love having Queenie home for the weekend, I really do. Honestly, it has been the best time, the time I've spent with her, but for one thing. Since it's her birthday tomorrow, 19 y.o., and I'm really struggling with what to get her for her birthday, we've been shopping.

I usually give the girls somewhere in the vicinity of $100 for their birthday. Queenie wanted money and needed clothes, so we decided to to clothing shopping and then what wasn't spent on clothing the rest would be cash. I know she needs it, but it breaks my heart that birthday money would be spend on necessities not fun. She seems okay with it but makes me sad.

I'm getting sidetracked. Sorry. Anyway, while out shopping I stumbled upon these little lovelies.....

for $8.50 I couldn't resist. They aren't the quality of the shoe like the boot I posted just the other day, but the amount I will wear them, they don't have to be.

I will not be wearing them much, especially not until after May. I don't stumble on heels a lot, but the last thing I to do right now is wrench an ankle while training for my half. It would be a major setback and be a devastating blow to my mental state!

New shoes are fun. There is a reason, as I try to cut my debt and spending that I don't hit the malls often. Hmmmmm, you would agree that is a smart approach. I need to be back in my routine because I'm broke and there are too many shoes out there. I seriously meant to write sales, not shoes, but apparently it's the shoes that are my weakness!

Queenie, I had a wonderful weekend with you and I really will (already do) miss you bunches!

Rawwwr

Here is a little peek-a-boo of a newly acquired pretty

Knowing me as you do, any ideas pop in to mind? If you thought boots, you'd be right. I couldn't resist. I know I'm weak. Please forgive me!


I was out shopping with Queenie last night and came upon these lovelies. They are regularly $130.00 and I snagged them for 42.00 - that is taxes included! Aren't they purdy??? I don't have a clue what I'm going to wear them with, but I just had to have them. I didn't really have to have them in a life saving sort of way, but I fell in to the mindset of them being such a good deal why not sorta thinking! I'm bad I know.

I was just whining about worrying about money and a part time job I don't really want to do, a daughter going to college and I'm out buying boots I don't need. Buyer remorse shoo away.

They are pretty though, don't ya think?

College Queen Amongst Us

I just got off the phone with Queenie! She just got her e-mail of acceptance to St. Lawrence College! I'm so happy for her. I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel.

I had the quickest of conversations with her and in the short conversation, she made me laugh so much. She had a really cute take on the past month. She had been without a job for about 6 weeks and getting by with the little bits of money I could send her and with help from a friend of hers that she is staying with. Yesterday, she got a job that she starts this coming Monday and today she got her college acceptance letter.

When I was talking to her last night, I had said to her, "See never give up. You never know how things can turn around in a single day." Her response, Yeah really. What a twist. I've got whip lash." In the span of 24 hours, Queenie has a job and a college admission. I am over the moon proud of her. It has been no easier for me, watching her struggle and find her way in this crazy life of hers! It was only Saturday night that I was struggling with questions about my decisions and my contributions to the craziness of this life. Funny, how things turn around, eh!

Now to start with the attempt of saving money to help pay for this new adventure of Queenie. I can see the debt payments not going down as quickly as I would like now. All for the greater good of the kid!

Queenie, I know there are times you read my blog, and this is for you: From the bottom of my heart, I love you! I couldn't be prouder of you than I am this very minute. You've come a long way, baby! You're on your way now. The future is yours and you have the power to make this life, your life, amazing! MWAH. Love you, sweetie xoxoxo

Band-Aid Fixes and Princess Wishes

I had been doing so well and now I'm just sitting here a mental and emotional mess. Some of you may be aware of some of my situations with regards to my personal life and some not so much. I'm the mother to two incredible girls, young woman really. One is 19 in just over a week and the other is 16.

Things with the girls hasn't always been easy, never more so than when their father and I split up. I don't always blame him for the wrongs that have faced us, but he has a hand in them no matter what I want to believe or say. My oldest daughter was prompted to not respect me (by him) and it worked. Our relationship took a nasty turn and I kicked her out of the house at the age of 16. I couldn't take the attitude and disrespect any longer. During that time, it was as though every time she opened her mouth it was his ignorance coming out of her mouth. I lived with the demeaning disrespectful talk when I wasn't towing the line long enough, that to hear it from the mouth of my child was more than I could bear. It has been an issue for me ever since, the kicking her out. I turned my back on my daughter in a way I despise. Our relationship has found it's way back to a place that is good -- really good. My oldest daughter still struggles through life, but is working towards a better life. I worry though. I guess I will always worry. It's what mothers (parents) do.

My youngest daughter has moved out of the house Cute Boy and I share. Cute Boy and Princess (youngest daughter) never connected. I take responsibility for some of it, but not all of it. They are just so different and I'm stuck in the middle. Princess moved out the end of October. Since then she has been struggling with staying different places and feeling as though she is an imposition to those that she is, or was staying with.

Just this last week, she got her own bachelorette apartment. I know in the beginning she was excited, but now the shine has worn off and already the loneliness has set it. I've had a few text messages from her and it is evident that she is sad and lonely. I hate it so much that she feels that she can't live here with me and Cute Boy. Not really me, but with him; that she feels she's not comfortable. It breaks my heart to hear the drop in her voice, even the tone of her texts are sad. I don't talk to her about moving home, nor will I. I lived through that with Queenie (oldest daughter) and I was broken hearted every time she said no. Princess always has a home with us, but she chooses this path and I, as her mother, as much as I don't like it, can't do much to change it. So, nothing is what I do. Feels great - read very sarcastically!

I sit back and I watch and do what I can to help when I'm able. It is never enough. I feel like a failure in not being a better parent. I'm not looking for sympathy or platitudes, please understand that. This is just so difficult to think of my daughters out there in the world on their own, before they are ready. It is like they are playing dress up and sometimes, like now, I just want to scream and cry and shut out the hurt that is rolling around in my head and heart.

I guess the distraction of training for a half marathon and trying to get back to the things I like to do to pass my time, is only going to stop the thoughts and hurt for a short time. It's like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It will not fix the problem. That much is becoming glaringly evident.

Dragging my ass to bed to put what was an otherwise good day, behind me. I hope I wake up with a better outlook than the one I'm saying good night with, because already, this Debbie-downer attitude is pissing me off! I wish I could snap my fingers and my girls would be grown and I would know that things turned out alright for them and all this stuff they are dealing with now didn't do detrimental damage to them. Oh, to live the life of a fairy tale princess.

Until next time....

A New Beginning Of Sorts

It's all over but the crying. There has been any crying yet.

Christmas Eve has been celebrated, Christmas gifts given, dinner consumed and the exodus of the loved ones.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were wonderful. I was apprehensive about how it was all going to work out, but to be completely honest it was wonderful. It really did feel like Christmas Day while we were celebrating. To make it even more perfect it snowed such a pretty light snow. We loved it!

Princess stayed the last 2 nights at the house which was awesome. It felt great having her around the house again. I was concerned she'd feel uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to me as though she did. I hope she didn't. She was a great help in the kitchen and preparations while Queenie uploaded music to my brand spankin' new ipod, my gift from the girls. Lovin' it already!!! It has the coolest little clip rather having to fuss with those damn armband thingies. The ipod is going to come in super handy in the next couple months. More on that later!

Everyone was up early today. Princess got off to school and straightened some things out on that front. One more day and she is out of school for the holidays. Cute Boy and I were off to take Queenie back up to Cobourg. That was tough, but not as tough as I expected. I really believe it is the best place for her, so off she goes. I may notice the quiet in the next little while, but not right now. There is too much going on for me to notice. It was times when I was as busy as I am going to be in the next couple days that I always felt negligent. It will be after the rush of the holidays that I notice more that my girls are no longer living at home. I will deal with the quiet the only way I know how and that is by keeping busy and occupying my mind.

I find that my life is always a series of time consuming demands. I'm hoping to be able to slow things down some and find some time for me. Spending some quiet time with Cute Boy is high on the list too. Never far from my thoughts, but not enough time given, is to Velda. I am really looking forward to finding some time for her and I to just sit quiet and catch up with each other. Avoiding my fears and concerns is not going to make my fear and concern any easier to deal with, so now its time for the big girl panties to be donned and that's that!

I do have some things I'm working on or will be working on over the next couple months. There will not be a lot of talk about it, but it will keep me away from the computer, so as is the norm now, most of my posts will come from work which is why I'm so lacking in pretty pictures.

Until next time. Be good to yourself and take a little time for YOU today!

Christmas Eve Is Tomorrow

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in my house. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve at house of Queenie and Princess.

Queenie is heading back to Cobourg on Thursday and with it being so close to Christmas she's not sure she is going to get home for Christmas on the 24th or 25th. So, me being me, I'm doing Christmas with all the trimmings on Tuesday Dec. 15th (Christmas Eve) and Wednesday December 16th, (Christmas Day).

It is up early, like normal. Get your stockings and open your gifts. Eat breakfast and stumble back to bed for a little nap! Cute Boy has hockey, so he'll be gone a better part of the day. While he's gone I'll be napping myself and then preparing dinner for the girls, my in-laws and him if he's home. There is a possibility that me may not be there, sadly. He has some stuff at work that may or may not interfere wit his celebrating with us.This is not my ideal way to spend the holidays, but Christmas and the Christmas spirit should be about more than just December 25th. I always say that, now is the time to live it.

Dinner will be most Queenie's and Princess' favorites. Ham, scalloped potatoes, brussel sprouts, peas, cheescake with cherry pie filling top. There will also be Cheese Crazy Lasagna Roll Ups for Princess. Cheese plates, crackers, apple pie, wine and adult beverages.

I'm extremely stressed out and overwhelmed. That's just who I am or who I'm discovering I am. I don't like it one bit. I have list upon list and lists of lists. It's insane. It will all come together. I have only a couple things I need to pick up and then it will be Christmas time in my house!

I can't wait!

Done Like a Dinner

So, we went out for dinner. It was great to see my in-laws. The food was great. The reason for the gathering was great as well. The attitude from the girl for the reason for the celebration - not so much.

I was asked for pictures. The attitude took care of that. After the attitude I couldn't be bothered to take pictures. Why bother? To commemorate the joyous gathering?

I'm so sick and tired of being treated like I'm just a carpet. The tone and ignorance is beyond what I can handle. I'm at the end of my mental rope. I will tolerate this no longer! I'm done like a dinner and all it took was a final celebration dinner to see that I'm not respected or appreciated. I'm nothing more than a means to an end. The end has come for me.

My heart breaks at the way I feel right now, but that broken heart is not an indication of weakness, but rather a resolve to stop being an emotional punching bag for those that use me as such. So, the tears I cried last night and the heaviness of thoughts today are not a lack of strength. It is more a show of strength that I am shutting down my emotions and from here on out just going through the paces.

Done like a dinner is me!

Big Day Celebration

It's a big day in my house today!

Queenie informed me last night that she writes her final exam in her independent study course today. She is so excited. I can't find the words to fit the feelings of pride at watching her prance around the kitchen beeming with pride in what she's done. And so she should be so proud of herself.

The road thus far has been wrought with victories big and small. Challenges and successes. Missteps and confident strides. It is a day that at times neither of us, Queenie or myself was sure was going to happen. Something somewhere clicked for Queenie and here she stands today, about to take her final exam and graduate from high school.

I can still remember sitting with her as a little girl working on learning book activities from this extremely expensive door to door sales kit that her father and I bought at an outrageous price. The number of books I read to her, too many to count. I loved it all. It hasn't always been as easy as snuggling up on a couch sharing in a story. There were times when school was skipped, when it was easier to not go than to find the drive to get up and get it done. There was Independent Study programs, more than a few high schools in 2 different cities. The important thing is that it Queenie has pulled it together. Today marks the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

A celebration dinner is in order this evening. Queenie, Cute Boy, Princess, my in-laws and myself will be hitting up The Lonestar for a little dinner to celebrate Queenie and her accomplishment!

I, along with many others, couldn't be happier!

Congratulations Sweetie!

Date Night

Cute Boy and I had ourselves a date night last night.

Dinner at Montana's with the cutest waitress ever! That waitress would be my daughter - Queenie! Dinner was a selection of the Cobb salad with a side of 4 Cheese spinach dip. I slowed my eating on this one so that Cute Boy ate more than I did. Sneaky girl, I am.

Off to the movies we go. Our timing was perfect for seating, except for a very obnoxious lady beside me that thought it a good idea to verbalize her thoughts about what the characters were doing. It was uber annoying! I could have smacked her.

I advise you to head out to your local theaters and see this movie. Sandra Bullock's character was amazing. She did an amazing job. Her character didn't smile a lot, but she showed her emotions so well with mostly only her eyes and a twitch of her mouth. I cried a few times, not as much as I expected, but tears were definitely shed.

All in all, a great day with Cute Boy, an awesome waitress and a feel good movie!

College Bound

College Application $90.00

Child College Bound - Priceless!

Queenie and I submitted her applications for college admissions tonight. WOW!! It was quite the proud moment. I cried! Of course I cried. I could cry now, still. I am so proud of Queenie. I was just beaming! What was even sweeter was she was beaming too. As proud as I am of her, she has to be equally as proud of herself.

The path to this time in her life and this success has not been easy. Life has been a challenge for her. There are challenges of her own making and those made my others, myself included that would have, could have sabotaged her efforts to get her act together and persevere to a point where she is able to submit college applications. She hung in there, she struggled and she fought for this moment. She deserves every success!

I love you, peanut! Congratulations! I am so proud of you!

p.s. -- Yellow for her favorite colour

Balancing Act

Blog News
First off, I'm having issues. What????? Me???? Issues??? No, really, I am. If you are the owner of a blog that has multiple posting options (live journal, blogger, ID something or other) I can't comment on your blog. Graciela, Velda, 20somethingfatty, I can't post. I'm reading everything you write, but I can't comment. My computer screen comes up with an error code "error on page". At first, I thought it was my work server putting up a soft firewall, but I've tried to comment from home and it's doing the same thing. I'm so sorry for not offering up support. I feel like I'm being cut off from my family. If you want to e-mail me your address I can e-mail me your comments. Big hugs to those of you that haven't heard from me lately. I'm still rooting for you, in all that you do!

Queenie
Queenie is still planning on moving back to Cobourg She has hit a bump in the road courtesy of her father. He is juvenile in his thoughts and more so in his actions. His actions are again affecting how she is feeling about moving there.

Cute Boy and I are of two minds about her moving to Cobourg. It's good. It's not so good. It is her life though and she needs to live it. All we can do is support her decisions to the best of our ability and be available to her in the event she needs us. Isn't that the job of a parent anyway?

Princess
She is still not at home. That is tough! No if, ands or buts about it. I don't like the idea of her not living at home, but she needs to figure some things out for herself. I have to step aside and realize no amount of crying or coddling is going to bring her home. It isn't that I don't want her in our home and being cared for by me or Cute Boy, for that matter. I just will not allow myself to feel the hurt of asking her to come home and getting the "No". The emotional cost is too high for me. It's not pride. It's trying to protect my emotional state and my heart from further hurt.

Cute Boy
We are great and that is no small miracle. Any long time reader will know that we struggle in our life, in our ability to communicate from time to time. I hate those times more than mere words can convey. As much as I dislike those times, I'm starting to learn a lot from them. The lessons learned are many and not lost on me.

What I've learned in the last couple months is that Cute Boy is amazing and just what I need in my life. I've always thought he is amazing, now I know he's amazing for me. He offers support, love and understanding. There are so many times that I come here and dump my negative and don't give him enough credit in the good that he represents to me. That is the balance that I strive for in my day to day life.

I love the strength he shows. I love the strength he sees in me that I don't always see. I love the uncompromising morals. I don't always like when they don't lie in place with my own, but I appreciate the conviction of his beliefs. I love the conversations we are having lately. They do my heart and head good. I love the easy flow that we have right now. I love the sense of commitment and dedication of making our day to day life better for both of us. In the swirl of craziness it is comforting to know I'm blessed with the presence of Cute Boy not only now when life is good between us, but everyday!

There are other thoughts dancing in my head, but I'll keep them there for now for fear of truly and completely falling apart.

The Exodus Edition of my Life

I don't know where to begin. Most people would say, the beginning. Where the hell is the beginning?

Queenie
Queenie came home. Queenie is leaving again. She is not finding what she needs here. Our house doesn't feel like a home to her. She is really struggling. She is going again.

It has been talked about at great length. There is great concern about her leaving again. She has done a good job up to a point of making it work for her on her own. It appears to me that she is stuck in two worlds. A world, where for 2 years she was on her own. Making her own decisions. No parenting involved. No one to answer to. No one to tell her what to do. No one to demand expectations of her. In a school that is filled with other young adults. Now, back home she is in a school with 'kids' and it drives her crazy. I don't want to speak for her or how she feels, but it is as though she is displaced in her life.

This particular topic could go on and on, but I'll keep short in saying, that Queenie leaving is very sad for me. I have loved having her around and it breaks me heart to know I'm not going to see her everyday. It has been very good for us that we have had this time together. I know, it has done me worlds of good. When I kicked her out of the house it was one of my biggest life regrets and to put some of that right again, feels good. Really good.

Princess
Princess has now left home. When will the revolving door of my house/life end, really? I'm not saying this for pity or compassion. I'm not looking for it and most importantly I don't want it.

Things have never been easy between Princess and Cute Boy. It is as simple as that. I have been as much a contributing factor to that as anyone. I take my responsibility for that.

My fears of the life Princess will lead while not living at home, scares the hell out of me. I don't even know how to put to words the true depth of my fear. We'll just leave it at that. I've been very quiet about Princess leaving. I think a lot of that silence is the fear. The sadness. The hurt. The worry. The ugly of it. The feelings of failure as a parent.

Me
I never dreamed that I would be living the life I'm living. To think I have a house that neither of my daughters want to live in is just too much for me at times.

I have a life that is sometimes smooth, sometimes not. I am a woman that lives life with my emotions and wouldn't change that even if I could. I'm passionate about the things that matter to me and I'm always trying to figure out how to make those around me that aren't happy happy. I wonder if therein lies my biggest mistake. Worrying more about others than myself and then when I do worry about me and put myself ahead of one or another, I'm left.

I have no relationship with my father (whose birthday is today, by the way) and that is just sad no matter how you look at it. The story is long. The story is simple. I stood up for my children and my father and his wife couldn't handle that and walked away. Sad. There is obviously a lot more to the story, too much to write. The short and long of it is - no relationship with my father.

I don't stand up and fight much for my own happiness, as much as I am happy, I just don't fight for it often because people walk away if you don't tow the line.

My dad - walked away
Queenie - walked away
Princess - walked away

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but just to get the rattling thoughts out of my head.

I never know if you read or when you read if you do. In case this is one of those times - I love you!

Passionately Pink's Run for the Cure

Our personalized shirts


Loot bags


All my pink and angel goodies



The most rockin'-est team ever!

My angel (Velda)

This year's run didn't turn out anything like I expected. Not one single thing. I had an awesome team! I love doing the run, but I hate doing the run. I don't want to do cancer anymore. I'm tired of it! I'm sick of it! I hate it!

We all gathered around each other on a cold wet day. There was one of us missing and that just broke my heart. Velda couldn't be with us this year because of her own battle with cancer.

Our team broke apart once the run began. Krista ran, Princess and Queenie walked together, Cute Boy's daughters and I walked together and bringing up the rear was Miss Mary and her little chicklets. The route this year was very hilly and not the most walker friendly route there ever was.

In the last 500 meters, Cute Boy's daughters and I caught up to mine. We were coming down the home stretch where Krista was already waiting, and out of the corner of my eye, was Velda. I didn't expect to see her at all. It was such a shock to me! I cried as I saw her and together we stood holding each other just on this side of the finish line. Hand in hand we walked together across the finish line. I don't know the last time I cried those kind of tears, until today!

Less than one week later, the tears have started again.

The run will be run again next year! I don't want to do the run anymore! I'm sick of it! While I was living the Run day and I was composing this entry in my head, I wanted it to be about hope (and it is) and a fighting spirit. Right now I'm all out of fighting spirit. I know I'll find it again. I will. I have no choice, but right now I'm all out of everything.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day that I can start over when my feet hit the floor. A day that has nothing but promise. Tomorrow will not bring me the heartaches of today. Today will not be lived again (thankfully).

I'm sorry!

Hail To the Queen

I've been sitting on some information for a few days while I waited for things around me to unfold. The things I've been waiting on have fallen in to place and are in such a way that I can now share with you what has been going on. You just never know who could be reading your blog, so I kept things quiet until I knew for certain that things were done and not going to negatively affect the people involved.

I got a phone call from my oldest daughter (Queenie) on Saturday afternoon. She was extremely upset about things that have been going on in her world and how they are affecting her desire to move forward in an effort to make a better life for herself. After talking to her for about 10 minutes, she told me she wanted to come home. I thought she meant come home to the city, not my (our) house, but that is exactly what she meant. Factor in Cute Boy and a sister that has been the only child in the house for quite some time, this is a huge life change for everyone! It has been 2.5 years since she has lived under my roof and with me parenting her.

There are things she has experienced that I will probably never understand, nor would I want to to be completely honest with you. I'm keeping an open mind and doing everything within my power to make this as smooth a transition for all parties. There will be growing pains, of course, but I'm hopeful that things will work out okay.

I have spent and inordinate amount of time on the phone (major dislike of mine) coordinating with the high school here to see that they will accept her as a student again. The Vice Principal has been incredible to deal with. Queenie has been in an independent study school, in the city she lives, for about a year now. She has been accountable to herself and her studies. No one there making her get up and go to school. No one to care that she is getting her work done (Teachers, yes. Parent, no) In the past week the counsellors and teachers at her current school have enabled her to get her final compulsory credit and filed the appropriate paperwork for her to get her work experience credits. If things work out the way they are supposed to she should have all her credits by the end of first semester (January) and graduate in time for college this fall. That would put her only one year behind her intended graduating class. I'm optimistic that Queenie will make the most of this second, third or fourth chance. It's been a few second chances.

I've been in communication with Cute Boy's niece about her helping Queenie get a job at Montana's. Queenie has worked her way up in East Side Marios and is currently a waitress and wants to continue with that here. Keeping my fingers crossed for her.

Cute Boy has been amazing through all of the communicating. It is awe inspiring what can be accomplished when two people work together and communicate with how they feel in a certain situation and what their expectations are. I'm glad for his support and understanding. As hard as this may be, he's rallied behind me and is in complete agreement that the best place for Queenie is with us. Just typing that sentence has tears in my eyes.

There are bedrooms and dressers to be moved around. Furniture to be packed and moved from 1.5 hours away to our house. Cute Boy and I are hitting the road on Wednesday of this week to undertake the daunting task of packing up my baby and bringing her home. It will be bittersweet because of all the moving she has done, she doesn't own a lot of stuff and that is just a bit of a heart tugger for me.

I'm not delusional in the fact that I think life is going to be a bed of roses. There are certain expectations that Cute Boy and I both have for her and from Princess as well and getting them may be a challenge. I hope it is understood that as much as I am the mother, Cute Boy is an adult in the house and he is to be respected and appreciated for what he does for each of my daughters and for what he brings, as well. I think Queenie has seen enough, done more than enough and done without enough that she will appreciate the basic necessities of life such as a hot shower, rather than one lacking the heat, food in the fridge, a closet for her clothing. The list goes on.

I guess, as Cute Boy's niece said, "Never say never". I really never dreamed in a million years I would have both my daughters living with me under one roof ever again and what do ya know! In one short week, the life I know right now will be completely different.

A few good thoughts that things work out for Queenie from now until the time she's home and then when she gets home, would be greatly appreciated. Things in her current living situation could still blow up any minute and that causes me great concern.

That, my dear readers is the news from my house to yours!

Hugs and love!