Done Like a Dinner

So, we went out for dinner. It was great to see my in-laws. The food was great. The reason for the gathering was great as well. The attitude from the girl for the reason for the celebration - not so much.

I was asked for pictures. The attitude took care of that. After the attitude I couldn't be bothered to take pictures. Why bother? To commemorate the joyous gathering?

I'm so sick and tired of being treated like I'm just a carpet. The tone and ignorance is beyond what I can handle. I'm at the end of my mental rope. I will tolerate this no longer! I'm done like a dinner and all it took was a final celebration dinner to see that I'm not respected or appreciated. I'm nothing more than a means to an end. The end has come for me.

My heart breaks at the way I feel right now, but that broken heart is not an indication of weakness, but rather a resolve to stop being an emotional punching bag for those that use me as such. So, the tears I cried last night and the heaviness of thoughts today are not a lack of strength. It is more a show of strength that I am shutting down my emotions and from here on out just going through the paces.

Done like a dinner is me!

I Wish

Things as usual, are a mess!

I wonder at times, why life works the way it does. I just don't get it how sometimes things can just flow so smoothly and then 'BAM' right when you least expect it, you're on your ass looking around for what went wrong. In this particular case, I know what went wrong and I'll not get in to that here or now. I will ride it out and for once not use this as a mental dumping ground.

Instead I will do this - I WISH

• I had your strength

You know, I started this post to list things I wished for in and around my life. Where things weren't working, how things were making feel and how I wish they were different. I was wanting to list things to show how I feel unappreciated and not understood, now not so much. I list one thing - the brave fight of a most amazing, courageous and beautiful woman and everything else pales in comparison.

All the things I'm feeling are just so unimportant now. I will deal with my life and the way I feel right now, at another time. I will continue on how I am - quiet and alone with my thoughts. Talk is cheap. Screaming and storming off in a fit of whatever, even more so. The quiet continues, the hurts fester, but life goes on.

I leave you with a beautiful song - Rascal Flatts

"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

The Wonders of Watermelon

In my blog reading, I find some very interesting things. This is a most recent awesome find. Thank you Jenni. Copied with permission. Go on over and show her some love, too.

The Watermelon Credo is meant to be a starting point in generating a positive attitude.

W – Whatever you believe creates your reality.
A – Attitude is the magic word.
T – Together everyone achieves more.
E – Enthusiasm is the wellspring of life.
R – Respect yourself, as well as other.
M – Make commitments, not excuses.
E – Everyday can be a fun day.
L – Love is the answer.
O – One day at a time.
N – Never give up or become a victim.

As you can see in my recent postings, my life has been a bit off kilter. I discovered this Watermelon piece the other day and it's been flitting around in the back of my mind since.

I'm really working in my head to get things figured out and I'm going to carry this close to my heart as an added tool too.

Cute Boy and I are working more towards a common goal of happiness than I've felt in a very long time. It does my heart good and leaves the lingers of a tiny smile on my face at all times.

Princess is really struggling and that is the problem in the equation right now. I'm hopefully although not optimistic that will change any time soon.

On that note I'm serving up a delicious dessert of Watermelon for dessert tonight.

3 Years Ago Today and Other Stuff

3 years ago today, I signed my separation agreement! I'm no closer to a divorce today than I was then. 3 years removed and the only thing that has changed is the level of resentment, disgust, and animosity toward him. Not a great way to raise daughter's when you can't stand the ground the other walks.

I don't see a divorce anywhere in the near future and that is just heartbreaking. It could happen, although highly unlikely. The man child does not follow the rules and is unaccountable for his actions and responsibilities. I could attain the divorce if I were willing to sign off on a certain situation, which I'm unwilling to do. As much I want this divorce and my association with him severed, I refuse to give in to his unwieldy ways of life and lack of responsibility in regards to what is right by our children.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm really struggling as of late with various areas and happenings in my life. It is not a good place to be and one that I am so hoping to step away from sooner rather than later.

I find the struggles are affecting so many areas of my life and my blog too. I want to turn this around, so this is my attempt at doing so.

Life is what it is and I'm the making of my own demise or success. From here on out I'm accountable for me, living the best life in the only way I know how - with my heart!

MWAH!!!!!

Exhausted

There are times when, as an adult, I think my life is heading in one direction and it charters another course. This pattern of uncertainty and questions is ever present again.

Never in a million years would I have ever thought my life would be where it is this very minute. There are situations around me that are of my making and those that are directly the result of others and their actions. I can be accountable for my own, which I am, but can only sit back and wait and watch for the actions of others to play out how they will. No matter the amount of hoping, wishing or want is going to do a thing to change their course.

Tomorrow is another day and what will happen may already be in motion because of actions taken today. I will face it the only way I know how, with an open mind and a ready heart.

A rock and hard place of my own making.

Home Sweet Home

My baby girl is home! My baby girl is home!

I wasn't expecting her until sometime today because she had some difficulty getting her dad to drive her home yesterday, as was the plan. I was disappointed to have to wait another day to see her. Off I went to ball with a heavy heart at this delayed reunion with my peanut (you'd think she was 5, not 15). I got home from ball to find my baby in the kitchen. A sweet reunion with tears ensued!

Can I tell you I'm so happy to have her home. I know I missed her a lot while she was gone, but didn't realize to what extent until I could actually touch her beautiful face and talk to her. That is what I missed the most. Talking to her. She is the most wonderful conversationalist. She is mature, witty, sensitive and just a genuine caring and compassionate young lady.

In other news - sad news, but good news, I got my phone call today. I have an appointment to talk to someone 2 weeks from today. I'm scared to death, but excited and apprehensive. Does that make sense? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop from crying most every day... oh who the hell am I kidding. It is every day. Numerous times per day.

Not too much longer and I'll hopefully have some directions, some answers and I don't know what else.

In case you forgot - MY BABY IS HOME!

A Tough Call

Things in my life are what they are, as they always are.

I've finally made a phone call for an appointment for some kind of counselling. I have an Employee Assistance Program for various types of counselling through my work. I figured it's a service that is offered and I might as well use of resources available to me.

I called for an appointment about a month or so ago. I was never able to connect to the counsellor since I'd only given my cel phone as a contact. I let things slide for the time being, but life being what it is I've made another attempt at setting up an appointment.

I'm expecting a call from the counsellor in the next couple days. I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for an appointment. Hopefully not long.

My head is a mess. I'm an emotional basket case, so much so, that I think I'm depressed again. I've been depressed a couple times in the past, so I'm very aware of the signs. I cry at the drop of a hat - numerous times per day. My head races with thoughts of all sorts. I'm not sleeping all that well. The only oddity is I still have an appetite. Of course I still have an appetite! GRRRRR!!! My previous experiences with depression have seen these symptoms as my indicators of a slippery slope for me. I hope it's not depression because I hate that feeling. Been there done that before.

I will keep doing what I'm doing for now and hope for the best that I'm not too long in getting in to talk to someone.

Hugs!

Have a great day!

Do You Ever Just Not Know?

Do you ever have a feeling about something and you just can't figure it out?

No matter how you try to figure your mind around it, a clear answer does not come.

I'm in the strangest of places mentally. There are thoughts to be had, feelings to be felt and answers to be found. I'm searching and coming up empty on all fronts.

How's The Head?

Well, I started on the purging of the stuff! If you can believe it, I'm still alive to blog about it too. I'm as surprised about that as anyone.

I started cleaning stuff out from under the stairs. The fun got under way after I got home from taking Lily to work. I thought it would be less traumatizing if I did it while she was gone. Well, she's home now and the attitude is front and center again, so I ask myself, what was the point?

My goodness, some of the stuff under those stairs is enough frighten small children. Krista came over to help me with the lugging of boxes. Sweet girl she is, frightened of spiders and all. To my amazement, I didn't see a single critter. The space isn't as restrictive as a crawl space, but you do have to be careful of whacking your head or jabbing your head with a stair nail. Well, whacking the head happened 3x between Krista and I. I smacked myself twice and Krista only once. I say only, as though it wasn't all that bad. The sounding thunk of her head hitting that beam I can still hear it. I'm sure she can still feel it. Sorry, KP, but that was too funny. You know when something hurts, and hurts bad, but you're standing there laughing although what you're feeling is anything but funny. Well, this was definitely one of those moments. I'm still laughing, again sorry, KP, but I can barely type this from laughing so hard - still! KP, how's the head? See, blog title in honour of you! Aren't ya proud? You're famous!

All the boxes are now scattered around the basement computer room and rec room. I've gone through most of them. The girls still have to go through their special boxes and I have a couple that I will have to go through as well. There are so many memories in those boxes. It fills me with joy, peace and a bit of heartache to see in these boxes, my children in my mind's eye through their little doll babies and clothes. It's like a short walk down memory lane with every toy or dress. I can't remember all the toys, but the clothes I can pretty much remember the reason I wanted to keep each dress or outfit. Where did the time go, from those little bundles of joy to the critters I'm surrounded with today? One is upstairs, I'm sure feeling as though her life is about to end. I know differently, but from the perspective of a 14 y.o. girl, life is over as she knows it.

So far I have 4 empty plastic bins and I've created 2 bags of garbage and 4 bags to go to The Goodwill. All in all good night's work with not a lot of time to be had in getting it done.

Still lots to do, but I'm feeling accomplished today. I was up before 5am this morning. I hit the gym, worked all day, did some shopping with Lil, took her to work and have picked her up, got this sorting started, had Starbucks with Krista and some laughs, cruised in her new car - cool wheels. I'm now heading to bed to get my butt rested to do it all over again tomorrow.

I feel like a drama queen about this whole Lily moving thing, I really do. I'm so finished with living in a stressful situation and I hate distention. I'm out of a marriage that was full of it, and to be dealing with some of the same feelings from her is more than I feel I have the strength to give. Please keep us (me) in your thoughts as this transition period looms closer and closer, now that this moving ball is starting to roll.

What would I do without this forum and the most amazing women, some I've the honour of knowing and some I don't know to help me through these situations? You have no idea how much I appreciate your support, even that from 'strangers', and I use the label strangers loosely, very loosely! Thanks so much!

Oh Lukcy Me

It has been quite some time since I've done a post about me. I'm usually going on about my stitching, my weight or a book I've read. There are other things in my life, if you can believe it. Things that make me so incredibly happy.

I find I'm very much more in tune with my feelings and thoughts over the last couple years. I no longer live on auto remote, but more aware of what goes on around me. I've yet to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Regardless, I'm happy so that is a major improvement and something that I cherish deeply.

My life is still full and busy. I don't know where to find the time to get things accomplished, as well as meeting all the demands and needs of those around me. I struggle daily to find balance between my personal needs to those of what is required of me at home. I'm not home near as much as I should be, but that is slowly changing and I'm home a little more frequently. My time with Todd isn't as much in quantity as it once was, but things are still good. Now that being said, I'm not sure when I'm going to lay eyes on him again, probably somewhere close to a week. It is painful, but such as things are right now!

The juggle of time and schedules that I do to spend time with T is worth it in the end. I'm still very much in awe of how happy I am with him, not to say things are perfect. There will always be an issue of some sort in any relationship. There is this sense of freedom, peace and strength I get from this relationship. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect perfection from him, but this is as close to heavenly as I've ever been, as far as a relationship goes. Being in a long term relationship and to see it end is painful and not something I would wish on anyone, but the pay off for me personally has been huge. I couldn't be happier and it stems from some major personal growth on my part and being able to share in the simple day to day life of him. I find one of my biggest thrills is to see a smile on his face. How is it a smile on his face can bring a quickening of my heart (no lies or exaggeration there)? I'm still in awe of the simplicity and depth of how I feel for him and how I feel when I'm with him. There are times that leaving and coming home (a place I truly love to be) is painful and more difficult than I can understand.

Lily has gotten her first job this past week. That is going to make me crazy busy and really cut into 'me' (translation - Todd) time, but I know that is the gift and burden of a single parent. The alternative is not near as pretty and I'll take being a single parent taxi cab to the alternative any day. I can't believe how much Lily has grown lately. To think my baby girl has her first job is 'WOW' to me! I hope she enjoys her job and learns the true value of a dollar.

Anyway, nothing much else going on in my life at the moment. Just some special feelings for a special someone. I walk around with a sweet smile and a gentleness in my heart that I thought was long exhausted and gone. Oh, lucky me it's not!

Whatever You Say - Martina McBride

Whatever You Say

You think I'm always makin'

Something out of nothin'you're sayin' everything's okay

You've always got an answer

Before I ask the question

Whatever you say

~*~

Now we can change the subject

Pretend I never brought it up

Same old story anyway

Later we can work it out

Right now you're talked out

Yeah, whatever you say

~*~

CHORUS

Oh I know you can hear me

But I'm not sure you're listening

I hear what you're sayin'

But there's somthing missin'

Whether I go whether I stay

Right now depends on

Whatever you say

~*~

You say yes you need me

And no you wouldn't leave me

And that should be enough to make me stay

And even though I want to

I don't hear I love you

In whatever you say

~*~

Oh whether I go whether I stay

Right now depends on

Whatever you say

Whatever you say

Whatever you say

~*~

It has been quite some time since I've had a lyric blog entry. This song came on the radio this morning and just got in my head for more reasons than I can explain. Not only is Martina the most beautiful woman in country music with the exception of Faith Hill, but she is one of the most talented gems in the industry. Her music is of the nature you walk away from listening to her feeling changed or moved, atleast I do anyway. I know country music isn't for everyone, but the reason I love it so much is the way it makes me think and moves me on a very personal and emotional level. This song is just that for me.... something that is moving and touching.

To Never Stop Learning

Do you remember when you were a kid you would say, 'I can't wait until I grow up, I'm going to....' Have you done what it is you thought you'd do? Is your life where you thought it would be? Are you happy with where your life is right now?

I remember growing up so eager to be finished school. I couldn't wait to start my life. Little did I know then that staying in school would be the ticket to a good life. I was so eager to start my life I didn't take the time to lay the foundation for financial success, most of all. I'm not begrudging my life or the successes I've had thus far. Looking back I know I could have studied harder, worked harder then and planned more for today rather than getting caught up in the 'I want it now' way of thinking and living. There are so many times I've tried to explain my way of thinking, especially to my girls, so they realize the importance of staying school, not because I'm preaching at them, but so hopefully they can see it is an important first step in achieving life goals.

I love my life and am very happy. The thing I think I'm most struggling with right now is that I'm in a job I love, but hours I hate. I know if I'm not careful how I present this, I will come away painting a picture of feeling sorry for myself and that is not the way I want to be. I've worked hard to have the things I have and with that being said, I know they have also come at a high price. I want more, but not in a completely, want more materialistic way. Does that make me selfish? I hope not!

I'm content with my place in this world. My want doesn't stem just from a materialistic point of origin, but from a desire to have a home that is tucked away, resemblant of the simpler things in life. I posted a pic of a cross stitch pattern that I will be working on shortly, Wildflower Rhapsody, if this makes any sense that is the life I want. I want to clean up some debt and get my mortgage paid down, so I can actively look at putting this plan in motion. All that from a cross stitch picture, you ask?

I struggle with the words to make this make any sense whatsoever, but I know in my heart I want something more than just the grind of these crazy shifts I work. I want something simple from a simpler time where life wasn't just about want, need and the almighty dollar. Don't get me wrong, it is money, sadly that keeps this world moving. I want for things, sometimes too many things, but I want to try and work on my house as economically as I possibly can, but still have it look nice and see if I can't find a way to make some of my dreams come true. New found dreams, I've been holding tight and close to my chest for the last little while.

I ramble, I know. My head has been spinning with these thoughts and in an attempt to save my sanity, and my blog being my place of comfort right now, it is here I unload.

Ch ch ch changes....

There are changes brewing that really have nothing to do with me, but will definitely affect me. I'm not the best at dealing with change, but I'm trying to change (ha) that... insert humour to avoid the trepidation accompanying the changes. Holy, do you think I could use the word 'change' any more in one sentence?

I've already stated that the changes have nothing to do with me, but will affect me. Why does this have me so freaked out? I'm not sure, really. I've been sitting here at work for hours pondering this very question. I have many hours left of my shift so I've a lot of thinking time on my hands. Change can be a good thing, as this one can be, but for some reason it scares me to death, and the scared to death part is what really scares me, I think, more than the change itself, if that makes any sense.

I try to live my life taking each day as it comes and not borrowing trouble until I know what I'm dealing with, so with that in mind I'll meet this new and different with the same outlook. I'm a worrier by nature as much as I try not to be, so keeping things in perspective, I can do nothing about any of these changes, therefore just go with it, I guess, is my only option...

I'll do my best to keep you posted on the changes as they come in to play and how they affect those I care about, as well as how they affect me. Wow, as I read back before I hit 'publish', do I ever sound self-centered and yucky, for lack of a better word. I don't sit well with being selfish, but trying to be honest with myself and those I love, I'll leave the post as it sits.

Thanks to those that read and post and those that read, for all the support you always offer to me! You know who you are!!!!!!

Emotions Of All Kinds

What a day I've had so far. It hasn't been a bad day, but I'm feeling very forlorn. I'm not sure what's up or why I'm feeling so blah. Well, I probably do, but haven't the cajones to out myself would be better stated.

I get like this sometimes and I know it's the way I'm wired, and let me tell ya it drives me crazy! My head races with words that wont come and thoughts I try to rein in but without fail the thoughts win out each and every time. I think I'm best to get back to busy work and keep my mind occupied.... maybe some stitching time would be the best way to chase away the thoughts, the apprehension, fear and forboding.

I look at life with such a sweetness right now and to be having these moments of 'what for' is something I could easily do without. I know these thoughts and feelings will pass, and that is all fine and good, but the issues that are bringing them will remain until I take the figuritive bull by the horns and make some decisions and stand up for what I want and what I know I deserve!!!!

Happiness is fleeting so never let it pass you by!

4:40pm ETA: I'm feeling better. I did keep my body and my mind busy, maybe not busy as I would have really like to do although what I did, take down Christmas decorations, kept me occupied to get over the mini-funk! Thank goodness sometimes for a life that never stops so I'm able to ALWAYS find something to do, as much as I long for quiet time just for me.

Wonderfully Welcome

I just had the most wonderful afternoon. The only thing missing was my family! What does that really say when you get right down to it?

I spent last night with Cute Boy and his girls. We went to dinner to celebrate Cute Boy's birthday. Today we went to his sister's house for lunch. We didn't get to stay for very long, but the time there was incredible. I'm still really quiet, but I think having met me one time prior to this, they somewhat expected it. I'm really very shy until I get to know people and have never really done well in large crowds of people. I'm so impressed by the warmth shown by Cute Boy's family. We walk in and his sisters are right there giving hugs, me too!!!! Very much an ease setting thing for me.

I've so many estrangements in my life and they break my heart. As I'm leaving the house today, I'm driving with tears rolling down my face. It is so sad to see the destruction of my own family. I'm getting to a point that I'm becoming consumed with thoughts to make this right and just don't know how, not to mention the fact I'm a slight bit cowardly in making the first move. So much time as gone by and hurts have been done that I'm not sure how much there is left to fight for anymore.

All things being said, I did go to my Grandmother's house today ~ step 1. She wasn't home, but I'll keep trying. I left a message and I'll now wait and see what comes of it. My only reservation is that right now with the holidays, I want a reunion with my family because it is what is right not just because the holidays are approaching. Something for the wrong reasons is just wrong no matter how you look at it.

Life in all it's wonder is a gift like no other, but at times it can be so difficult. How is it that things can get so blown out proportion? I think that is why I will do most anything to avoid confrontation. My history dictates when I stand up for myself people walk away. Is it that I'm so much a disposable in their life? Do they miss me or am I just someone 'they use to know'?

A day of questions today is, when all things in my life seem so much clearer than ever before. I feel for the first time in a long time I know where I'm headed, what I want and with whom. I shall again remind myself this life thing is a one-day-at-a-time wonder. I will live each day to be happy, even through the struggles, strive to be the best I can be and settle for nothing less than the best for myself. I think in the end if you've lived a life you can be proud of, you've treated people with the respect they deserve and have done the best you can do for yourself and others in the situation you find yourself at any given time, you've done well. I like to think, thus far, in my life I've done well!

Riding the wave wherever it leads

How is it that life is just like that. I'm usually very guarded in how I communicate but this post will be nothing of the sort.

My head is racing with thoughts that don't form or will never finish. I have to wonder what it is I'm trying to say if anything. You just never know what will come of your life, why it will happen the way it does. Do you try to figure it out or just ride it out?

I'm very much a thinker, this much I know. I'm always analyzing things to death, so I'm told. I don't know how to stop so I just give up. I try to know why it is I do what I do. It's the way I'm made I guess. I can't figure out the answers to things so for now I'm going to do my best to stop asking the questions. Things will be how things will be and nothing much I do can stop it, if I so wanted things stopped, which I dont. Life is about living it, enjoying it. That is where I am right now, I guess as strange as that sounds.

Here is a little something that can maybe better describe my thoughts....

Somebody

At a diner down on Broadway they make small talk
When she brings his eggs and fills his coffee cup
He jokes about his love life
And tells her he's 'bout ready to give up
That's when she says,"I've been there before
But keep on lookin' 'cause maybe who you're lookin' for is..."

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody

Across town in a crowded elevator
He can't forget the things that waitress said
He usually reads the paper
But today he reads a strangers face instead
It's that blue-eyed girl from two floors up
Maybe she's the one maybe he could fall in love with

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody

Now they laugh about the moment that it happened
A moment they'd both missed until that day
When he saw his future in her eyes
Instead of just another friendly face
And he wonders why he searched so long
When she was always there at that diner waiting on

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right on by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody