Happy Heart

I was given the most incredible news this week and it has taken me a bit of time to process.

My dear friend Velda who has been battling cancer for coming up on 2 years now. Her prognosis wasn't a good one, but in true Velda fashion, she has shown that damn disease she is not going quietly in the night.

I have been remiss with my blog. Remiss with my friendships. I fill my days with stuff and stuff and stuff. Not a lot of time is spent with Velda. There are many stupid reasons for that, and right now, not one that I want to share!

I was talking to Velda earlier this week and was so happy to hear that her tumours are half their original size or gone completely. From where she started, the journey from there to here, that is wonderful news!

For me, one a more personal selfish level, this brings us one day closer! An extra day of time together to hopefully share with each other some special happenings and experiences.

Week One Weigh In

My first week back on Weight Watchers following the Points Plus Program, was a pretty good week. I lost 1lb. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking to lose more on my first official week back. I will be happy with this loss though. A loss, no matter how small is always better than a gain.

There has been a lot going on in my personal life. Really, when isn't there? I find that I'm mentally and emotionally distracted with a lot of what is going on, so that I didn't eat my way through it - can you say CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE and more CHOCOLATE???

I started training for my second Ottawa Half Marathon. I've logged 8 miles and am already 3 runs behind. I'm not stressing over it though. Things will figure themselves out eventually.

Velda, my dear friend, started her chemo treatments this week. I've been pretty quiet on here about all things Velda. I'm pretty quiet lately about all things Velda in all aspects of my life. I just don't really want to deal right now, so in true fashion, I just don't talk about it.

I think that is all I have to share for today.

Sunflower Smiles

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I got up and threw open the curtains, very Ebenezer Scrooge-like, in the hopes of letting in the sun and chasing away this nasty gloom I'm carrying around with me.

It worked for about 2 seconds.

I hit up the coffee pot (my inanimate object BFF) and then sent an e-mail. It was to one that knows me well and loves me in spite of it. Wise words from a wonderful friend had me responding to her comments with tears falling so fast down my face it was hard to see what I was typing. Thank you, Velda. You know, this is why, along with half a million other reasons, I love you!

I played out my addiction of Farmville and Frontierville and then hit the deck with my book. It was in short order just what I needed. I was surrounded my milk jug filled with red/orange sunflowers that are so gorgeous. They just make me smile to know I own them and they are mine... how silly, eh? Cute Boy and I bought the sunflowers and 2 hanging baskets for the deck when at the local market yesterday. I tried as best I could, when on the deck to soak in that feeling of peace and contentment, for times when the dark thoughts reappear. Not sure how well it will work. We'll see.

On my way to work, I stopped in quick to HomeSense to see what pretty things they had in stock. I saw lots and bought nothing, just again soaking up the pretty surroundings. I did the same at Pier 1. Looked at the pretty, and didn't spend.

I feel a little bit better today, but as is the pattern, that could change in the blink of an eye.

Runner's Adrenaline Trouble in the Making 101

A couple days have passed since the hellfire of my current situation. There has been no change. No official word on what this change of events will bring to my life. The fear and apprehension still reside deep down, but there is nothing for me to do right now, but wait. So, wait, I shall do.

In other less titillating news, my life is just plugging along.

I have a word of advice to all of you. Listen closely it's really super important. DO NOT sign up for a running event ie: half marathon within the first month directly following a completed half. You are being lead by your runner's high which is bound to come back and bite you in the kiester!

I signed up to run the County Half Marathon in October and I've run a hand full of times in 2 months. This is not the suggested plan of attack to run a faster 2nd half than that of the inaugural time. YIKES! I'm a bit freaking out.

I'm flat out of time! My time at the part time job is about to increase 10 fold. I'm currently coming off two double shifts. I was overzealous in my thoughts I'd have the time to fit in running and working. The highlight of the upcoming run is that I will have some awesome women on the course with me. It will be a good way to spend a morning, regardless of my finishing time. The competitor in me is singing a different internal tune, but that is really nothing new.

Stress and pressure are the way I live my life. I'm driven by such craziness, but this one is way more than I expected. Knowing myself how I do, I believe I do this so I stress over things so that I can avoid dealing with other things. Those other things scare me way more than a half marathon, I can tell you that much. When I signed up for this 2nd half marathon, Cute Boy and I were talking about my push to do a second which I knew I would eventually do, but not this soon, he was telling me about a conversation he had with a girl at work. This co-worker is a runner too (that 'too' implies I think of myself as a runner - I don't!), and she was telling him that you continue running until whatever it was that put you on the road in the first place has been dealt with. Running desire and drive has been explained. Now to find he time to deal with the requirements of running this new half better than the first! See, I'm a loon!

To further prove the point of my lunacy, reading back this entry I wonder at what I'm really trying to say. To heck with it.... I'm hitting 'publish post'.

Why I Relay

This would be the reason I relay this year!

This year's team

One of my beautiful daughters ~ Princess

This year's version of Velda's Angels is now put to bed.

I am very proud to announce we raised over $3650+ dollars as a team. I am hopeful there is more money out there. I had a few team members that didn't show up or have their money sent in by those that did come out and support us.

I've learned a lot about others and more importantly a lot about myself while doing this relay team this year. I'm not sure all of it is good on either front. Along the way, I've been honoured, I've been annoyed, I've been thoroughly pissed off and upset, I've been disappointed and sometimes stunned. I know I should be more impressed with the money raised, rather than a bitter taste in mouth by the actions of some, but the frustration of this daunting task is more than I anticipated.

I was blessed by a few team members that were available, helpful and committed. It wasn't about signing up in name only and then never being present for an event, not one, or only one event. It was a commitment of time and emotions, not just a phoned in experience. For those team members, thank you!

I didn't intend to come here and rant about this that or the other. The reason for why I do what I do is because of Velda. That being said, I don't deal well if I perceive the reason why some are doing this is for the wrong reasons. The problems I for see in future years is being able to control the team members I have and that is near to impossible. You can't control who joins, so as soon as I activate my account for next year, I'm stuck with running the risk of team members I've struggled with this year.

On a very positive note, Cute Boy saw how much I struggled. The commitment issues of others, and the way I was doing what I could at the eleventh hour to keep the wheels from falling off, and he told me he's in for next year if I do this. I don't know how I could not do. This is about Velda after all. Having Cute Boy on the team would be awesome. I've never been on a relay team with a guy before, so that would present a whole new dynamic. Not to mention I love this man to bits! I look forward to that different dynamic.

All in all, the event was a success, monetarily. Emotionally not so much.

First Half Marathon Report

That would be the smiling face of a woman about ready to run the first half marathon of her life. It is crazy to think the day had finally arrived and that I finished in 2:41:59.8

It was a long path. I guess all runner's have a story, and after this experience I have a story too. Not only do I have a story to tell, but the stories I witnessed is enough to have me smiling for days.

The morning started off pretty quiet. The alarm went off and I laid in bed for a few minutes watching videos. I wasn't as nervous in the morning as I was the night before, which I found rather strange. It was the do or die moment, I think. There was no turning back at this point. Not that that there was ever a moment that I wouldn't follow through with this. It's just not how I'm wired.

I had various items of support with me:
Red shirt - my favorite colour
Shoe soldier - From Bree to Velda to me
Hat - from Cute Boy
Purple sweat rag - Velda
Music - from my girls
Pam and Mary - support

The shoe bling

Off to the race site we head, Mary, Pam and I. Tracy who was to come with us, had a family situation that kept her from spending the weekend with us. :( Let me say it here and now. I couldn't have chosen better supporters to travel with. Pam and Mary kept me entertained and filled me with hope and confidence. I couldn't be more thankful for their love and support.

The 1/2 was started in waves so as to alleviate congestion where the full and half met up. I was in the Red Corral. Okay, how cool is that? Red is my favorite colour. So, being slow had it's advantages. ;)

I was so far back from the start line, I could barely see it. It took almost 19 minutes for me to cross the start line. It was then that race really began for me. Those first few steps in an actual Boston qualifier and holy hell, I was doing it. One problem with this delayed training and whatnot, my Garmin and I got in a fight, so I was without it for the first 40 minutes. That really threw me off my game. I used my ipod as a timer on my walk/run splits. Oh well! Not everything is going to go right on game day.

I was in the 3+ pace group. Yee of little faith. At one point I saw the 2:45 pace bunny. I wanted her and I wanted her bad! I passed her, by a long shot and then all of a sudden she was back in my vision. Ahead of me! I don't know what happened to my pace, but I was pissed. It was a back and forth with the 2:45 pace bunny. At points I was envisioning smacking her with her little timer stick! LOL

I met up with a woman and ran with her for about 10 minutes and then pulled away. I realized I really was on this journey on my own. I wanted to set my own pace. No matter how fast or slow, I wanted to have the freedom to do my own thing and not feel less than someone else. I ran every training run on my own. No need at this point to mess with what got me this far.

I hit a favorite song at 5K and it totally pushed me forward. Jay-Z, you are the man! I was neither here nor there about the music I was hearing, except for a few songs. A few reminded me of Cute Boy and that was very special while I was out there. A few reminded me of each of my girls. I contemplated putting The Climb on there, but didn't think that was the smartest decision for me at this point in time, or ever.

There was never a moment that I doubted I would finish. There were moments of incredible inspiration, but never many of doubt in myself or the process. The various runners of age, body and physical disabilities, but really disabilities? I don't think so. They were on the route running a half marathon. That in my mind was incredible. I saw people with braces on their knees, ice packs taped to their shins. The whole thing was just mind blowing. I loved it.

I have to give a shout out to any of the volunteers that stood for hours handing out electrolyte drinks, water, gel shots, water sponges, Vaseline swabs. I made sure to thank every volunteer that I was fortunate enough to be supplied something from, usually with a 'You are a rock star' comment. It made them smile. It made me smile. The people on the side of the roads, when they would be encouraging, I would make sure to make eye contact and give a quick smile so they would know they made a difference in my race experience. They really do make a difference!Sometimes it's a bit embarrassing, but it was greatly appreciated and many times just what I needed.

All in all this was an experience that I wouldn't trade for a minute. I'm on the fence about whether I will do another. That is for another time to be thought about long and hard, but not right now. I did this one. I didn't prepare the way I had wanted to, but I'm happy with the outcome. Now, if there is something you think you can't do, go out and try! You just never know how well you may do! Have faith in yourself.

And, the hardware!

MWAH!

Productive Monkey on Monday

Do you ever get so mad at someone you could just cry. You're not hurt. You're just so angry at them you could cry. Oh, and this time, it's not Cute Boy. Phew!

I have a co-worker that is ridiculous and I say that in the nicest way possible. We have been friends for 18 years and seen each other through a lot. She can be very nice and then..... like a lurking predator in shallow waters (cue the Jaws music), she comes up and bites you in the ass. A word of advice - Do not drunk dial. Better yet, DO NOT DRUNK DIAL ME AT WORK! In all seriousness get yourself some help!

Just had to get that off my chest.

On to the good part of my day! I was very Relay For Life productive today. I have arranged an economical fee for advertising for our team yard sale/bake sale.

I have secured A-frame signs to advertise Velda's Angels yard sale, from my real estate agent/friend. He is going to drop them off at the house a few days prior to the yard sale. Andy, you rock!

I bought some supplies for the yard sale - yellow bristol board, yellow balloons, pricing stickers.

I was able to print off some copies of the flyer and have given a few to a friend who is going to hang them up around her house so as to generate some business. I've talked to the library and Starbucks to ensure I can advertise there. Both were very gracious and encouraging. Sweet!!!!

Krista has made some headway in getting us a 16' pool to sell at our yard sale. I'm stoked about that. I have people that are scouring their basements for stuff to sell and e-mails sent requesting baked goodies to be donated as well.

I have the keys to the house where the yard sale is being held, so I can start co-ordinating the drop off of stuff. That should be fun, if not a bit challenging.

I'm a notebook toting organizer, trying to keep all my hats in place with regards to what I have to do and remember where and when I have to be somewhere. It's going to be a very hectic month and then factor in I have a 1/2 marathon to run in 27 days. How the hell did that happen?

Oh, and the best part, I got a $25.00 donation today! How cool is that? Tres cool!

Stay tuned. Tomorrow will have more exciting news. This one, I'm excited about, if not a little bit sad, but the reason I Relay!

Mish Mash of Thoughts

The week has been a busy one. I woke up this morning surprised it is already Thursday. I love it.

My sweet beautiful friend Velda had a stint in hospital. I will now state the obvious that these bouts of issues scare the shit out of me! I can only imagine her fear. When I pick up the phone and it's her husband on the phone, I'm less than cordial. I'm all "What do you want?" I don't mean to be rude, but for a split second my stomach plummets, my hands shake, my body temperature skyrockets. Pretty much a panic attack.

My leg is getting better. I've been icing it, but I've yet to do any running on it. I'm a chicken poop. I'm so apprehensive about hurting myself again or having the pain, that is gone for now, will return. Fall off the horse get back on needs to be my motto for this one.

I'm all sports excited today. The Habs start their run for Mr. Stanley! I'm realistic in the fact I know it's going to be a challenge, but I'm going at this one with optimism. I never really cheered for a team until starting my relationship with Cute Boy. It was hard not to get caught up in the youth movement in Montreal, okay Carey Price is super cute too although Carey is not the goalie of choice right now. Go HABS Go!

There is a party for this weekend for my ball team. Okay, not really MY ball team because I'm not playing this year - YAAAAAA!!!! I'm all about the party though and that is all I'll say about that right now.

Bring on the Friday afternoon!!!!!

Dump List

• I am tired
• I have worked 82.5 hours in 7 days
• I haven't run since Sunday
• I think I have a plan about my debt that has given me some piece of mind
• I'm still stressed about my debt ratio and my overall debt load, even with the plan
• I'm feeling thick and chunky today
• I can't wait until Thursday at 5pm - I'm off until Tuesday unless I get called in to the p/t job which would be good AND bad!
• It is almost Easter which means Coke Zero. How bad is that? I'm losing sight of the reason of the Easter season. I'm not strong like Tash - sorry, sweetie :)
• Still working hard on the Relay for Life Team ~ Velda's Angels is currently moving strong to a good fundraising goal.

How much of a whiner do I sound like today? I'm just mentally exhausted. You would think it's the other way around, that I would be physically exhausted since I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep per night for the last week, but the stress of this debt is killing me mentally.

I feel as though I'm going it alone and I hate that feeling. If it weren't for Pam to bounce ideas and my stressful thoughts off of right now, I'd be certifiable. I've been so dependant upon Pam lately and spending more time with her than with anyone else, I've asked her to marry me. She said, "No!" Can you imagine her turning down such a sweet offer.... she doesn't know what she's missing.

On that note, I'm signing off in search of my good attitude. If anyone sees it can you send it home, please I miss it.

Yankee Grass

There is a bit of a story to this post. Robin, from Saudia Arabia, by way of New Hampshire has been sending me New York Yankee gifts for years now, by way of Velda.

This year things took a turn for the different because of Velda's diagnosis and this year's gift took an even longer time to arrive. It went from Robin, to New York via Margaret, via Tina who was in the U.S. and then in Canada visiting Velda. I hope I got the story right. Those that are involved the trafficking of my grass (Yankee grass, not weed grass), that may read my blog correct any mistakes I may have made.

So, there is the back story of my grass. However it got to me, I couldn't be happier. I am now the proud owner of Yankee grass courtesy of Robin, another die-hard Yankee fan.

When Cute Boy and I get our basement done and turned in to the bar/sports room that we are planning to do, I'm going to plant Yankee grass to sit on a shelf in the back of our bar. I also have a Yankees World Series hat that was given to my by the priest that visits our office. He is not a Yankee fan, but still bestows wonderful gifts on the crazy girl in the office. The crazy girl would be me.

How lucky am I?? I'd say pretty lucky. Robin, I can not thank you enough for your thoughtful generosity.

January in Review

January in review:

What a month it has been. I can hardly believe it's just over a month since Christmas. Normally in my world, January drags on and on. I think keeping myself busy has been helpful, both for my mental state and my emotional well being.

Here are some of the things I've been doing to pass the time.

Running - 50.32KM

I've logged 12 runs for the preparation of my half marathon in May. It's only MY half marathon! Ya right. There is an estimated 35,000 people over the course of the Ottawa Run weekend. When I'm not running I'm thinking about running. It has consumed me. I have a tendency to become obsessive about certain things. I see an obsession in the making. Apologies now to those that have to listen to me drone on and on about this run or that run.

Reading - 5 books

I've read 5 books this month! I'm blown away by this one. It's been so long I can't remember when I last read 5 books in a month.

Talk Me Down - Victoria Dahl
Last Gasp - Carly Cassidy
The Last Song - Nicholas Sparks
I, Alex Cross - James Patterson
Too Close To Home - Linwood Barclay

I have another book that I'm almost finished, but it will be credited to February.

Weight Loss - 6 lbs lost

I've lost 6lbs over the course of the first month. I'm pretty happy with that. I'm still in the 140's and that part bothers me, a lot. I want to get in to the 130's again. I'm most comfortable at 125-123, so for me to be in the 140's it still seems like a long way to go. I know in reality I'm more than I number, but the mental games I play with myself and my thoughts of carrying around this extra weight weighs heavier than the weight itself. 6lbs for a month is a great start and I know this as well as anyone. I am focusing more on the running right now rather than the weight loss, but the weight is never far from the front of my thoughts. Over the course of my training I'm sure I'll lose a little bit more weight, but nothing like the 125 I want to be sitting at. One meal at a time and I'll get there eventually.

Stitching - 16h 10m

Well, I've once again discovered my desire to stitch. I'm not able to find the time at home and that is okay. I stitch at work every other week when I'm working evenings. I'm too busy at home when I'm on days getting ready for the following day to sit down and put needle to thread. I find my thoughts about my stitching have really changed. It isn't so task oriented now, it's just fun again. I don't have to push myself to get it done, just enjoy the process. I had a visit from the frogs (those non-stitchers, that is when you have rip out your work) and rather than become all stressed out it was just a matter of pulling it out and starting over. That is a wonderful place to be in regards to the love I have in stitching.

I've offered my services to Velda, but I'm not sure if she'll take me up on my offer. Time will tell. Seriously, V, if you're reading I will totally do this for you. Pam said she would do one too, and you could even start it the way you stitch - she's a lefty too! Think about it, my dear.


Personal Life

My home life is amazing. Cute Boy and I are just grooving along. Working and doing what we can when we can when we're together. He and I are great and that is no small wonder. It is wonderful.

Our children are in various states of life and that is tough. I think, tougher for me than for him, but that stands to reason I'm a more emotional critter than Cute Boy. I struggle with the place of my girls. I know things will eventually work themselves out and the girls will be stronger for it. Living through it is another story.

All in all it's been a busy month and a good month. If this doesn't prove the point that I missed my calling as a statistician, I don't know what will.

Have a great one!

A New Beginning Of Sorts

It's all over but the crying. There has been any crying yet.

Christmas Eve has been celebrated, Christmas gifts given, dinner consumed and the exodus of the loved ones.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were wonderful. I was apprehensive about how it was all going to work out, but to be completely honest it was wonderful. It really did feel like Christmas Day while we were celebrating. To make it even more perfect it snowed such a pretty light snow. We loved it!

Princess stayed the last 2 nights at the house which was awesome. It felt great having her around the house again. I was concerned she'd feel uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to me as though she did. I hope she didn't. She was a great help in the kitchen and preparations while Queenie uploaded music to my brand spankin' new ipod, my gift from the girls. Lovin' it already!!! It has the coolest little clip rather having to fuss with those damn armband thingies. The ipod is going to come in super handy in the next couple months. More on that later!

Everyone was up early today. Princess got off to school and straightened some things out on that front. One more day and she is out of school for the holidays. Cute Boy and I were off to take Queenie back up to Cobourg. That was tough, but not as tough as I expected. I really believe it is the best place for her, so off she goes. I may notice the quiet in the next little while, but not right now. There is too much going on for me to notice. It was times when I was as busy as I am going to be in the next couple days that I always felt negligent. It will be after the rush of the holidays that I notice more that my girls are no longer living at home. I will deal with the quiet the only way I know how and that is by keeping busy and occupying my mind.

I find that my life is always a series of time consuming demands. I'm hoping to be able to slow things down some and find some time for me. Spending some quiet time with Cute Boy is high on the list too. Never far from my thoughts, but not enough time given, is to Velda. I am really looking forward to finding some time for her and I to just sit quiet and catch up with each other. Avoiding my fears and concerns is not going to make my fear and concern any easier to deal with, so now its time for the big girl panties to be donned and that's that!

I do have some things I'm working on or will be working on over the next couple months. There will not be a lot of talk about it, but it will keep me away from the computer, so as is the norm now, most of my posts will come from work which is why I'm so lacking in pretty pictures.

Until next time. Be good to yourself and take a little time for YOU today!

A How To Guide

A How To Guide To Crying At Work

• Have a best friend diagnosed with terminal cancer - sucks
• Have said friend choose The Climb as her theme song - fits so well
• Avoid The Climb like the plague since diagnosis and choosing of theme
• Have issues with posting to blog journal of the treatments and feelings of friend - damn it
• Know that your friend is dealing with things your can do nothing to help with
• Hear The Climb on co-workers on-line radio
• CRY sad sobbing tears

Anniversary of Sorts

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of my split from FN. What a 4 years it has been.

There has been so much that has happened as a result of my separation. I would like to be able to say DIVORCE since FN is 'married' to someone else, but the sad disgusting truth is we are still married. I hate it and if not for what seems to me, the compromising of my beliefs and allowing him to go unaccountable for his responsibilities, I'd be divorced by now.

That is all I will say about that. This post is about celebrating the good in my life because of my life experiences, and that separation was a major life experience.

Cute Boy is first and foremost in my thoughts when I think about the good that has come of my new life post break up. I have never admitted this on my blog before and to very few people in my real life. I never admitted it to anyone, until after I did to Cute Boy. I'm a very loyal relationship partner, and by that I mean I'm not a cheater! I'm not a physical cheater nor an emotional cheater. I just have to get that out there, I guess to clear my own conscience. Some of you may be aware that Cute Boy and I had known each other for about 11 years prior to entering in to this relationship. Even while married, I was drawn to him. It was only through the summer (baseball) that I would see him, but I was always content when talking to him and it was something I would look forward to. When I would get to ball and he'd not be there I'd be disappointed. The first year I played ball after my marriage fell apart, it was because of being able to see Cute Boy, that I played. I'm so glad I did. I've always loved the people on my ball team, and now I REALLY love a person on my ball team. How cool is that? All because of ball and him taking a leap of faith asking me out. There is a long story about him asking me out. I should share it one day. There is a woman that both, Cute Boy and I adore that was instrumental in him asking me out. She too, has a special place in my heart! Thank you Traci!!!

There have been some not so good to come of my life taking a different turn. I don't think for a minute it's all about me, those negative happenings. That realization comes thanks to counseling and having very sound advice given by people that love me to the ends of the earth and back, specifically Velda, just today in fact!

I've been blessed in the last 4 years with the support of some amazing people. You make what I do each day easier. You give of yourself unconditionally and in a way that fits my needs when I need them. I'm truly blessed.

So, those early days of my separation, filled with not knowing, the fear, the blame, the hurt and the sense of failure where all for good. I am stronger because of every experience. I am in a place different than what I envisioned for my life, but I place I am proud to call my own. I like who I am and I like where I'm headed. I love in a way that I wasn't sure I could again. I love with a simplicity of ease and comfort. My life isn't always an easy one, but it's not one I would change for anything! I have told Cute Boy before and I tell him again, if he reads this entry and will continue to tell him - I wouldn't change a single tear or hurt if it kept me from being where I am right now with you!

MWAH!!!

I Wish

Things as usual, are a mess!

I wonder at times, why life works the way it does. I just don't get it how sometimes things can just flow so smoothly and then 'BAM' right when you least expect it, you're on your ass looking around for what went wrong. In this particular case, I know what went wrong and I'll not get in to that here or now. I will ride it out and for once not use this as a mental dumping ground.

Instead I will do this - I WISH

• I had your strength

You know, I started this post to list things I wished for in and around my life. Where things weren't working, how things were making feel and how I wish they were different. I was wanting to list things to show how I feel unappreciated and not understood, now not so much. I list one thing - the brave fight of a most amazing, courageous and beautiful woman and everything else pales in comparison.

All the things I'm feeling are just so unimportant now. I will deal with my life and the way I feel right now, at another time. I will continue on how I am - quiet and alone with my thoughts. Talk is cheap. Screaming and storming off in a fit of whatever, even more so. The quiet continues, the hurts fester, but life goes on.

I leave you with a beautiful song - Rascal Flatts

"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

On The Wings of An Angel

Velda and Berto



The group after shot. See, we're all still smiling!


The locations of each tattoo



My foot 1 week after

Tired Tattoo Today

Another one of those days that I have to step back from and see things as beautiful and a gift, not hard and emotional and a mental struggle.

I'm running on very little sleep this week and that could very well be a major contributor to my exhaustion. It's not so much a physical exhaustion, but mental. I think that is even worse.

GOOD
I had the honour of accompanying Velda to her radiation appointment this morning. It was something else. I'm telling you Velda has to be the single most amazing person I've ever known. I'm not just saying that! Here we are today going to her radiation treatment and you'd think we were going out for a night on the town. We talked. We laughed. We ranted (me). We were just together. What is better than that? Absolutely nothing!

BAD
That Cancer Centre is something else. It really was so very tough for me. (Velda, I don't like that you read this blog sometimes). I kept looking at the people, but didn't really want to see them, not in the sense that I didn't want to see them as people. I didn't want to see them in the regards to being cancer patients. This cancer fucking sucks! I hate it! I hate it! I'm sick of it! I'm not living it like Velda, but I'm watching and I've never in my entire life felt as helpless as I do right now. I thought my divorce was the most difficult thing I would ever have to live through at the time, and looking back, that was like a walk in the park now.

I hate that I feel like I do. I have this ridiculous feeling of being selfish. In no way is this battle of Velda's my battle, and it's not at all about me. I don't want to come off as an, 'oh poor me', but I'm just at a loss right now what to do for Velda and then my own fears on top of that - I'm a fucking mess.

GOOD
Velda and I went for her blood work this morning and then hit up the Golden Arches for some deep fried fat ass grease. It was out of this world amazing! Great food with a great woman!

BAD
Off I head to pick up Queenie at her grandparent's, where she spent the night since both Cute Boy and I were unavailable to pick her up from work. That was an interesting experience. I've always had a good relationship with my ex-in-laws. Today, I'm not so sure how to read the relationship. There are troubles in my life with Princess and I'm doing what I can to emotionally survive that nightmare situation. The problem right now with the in-laws and the Princess and me, is that they've been fed half truths, as far as I can tell. I'm not going to go out of my way to correct said lies. I don't feel at this point in the game (no game, but my life), that I should have to defend my actions, and that actions weren't even mine. The words of a liar are what they are and I will not justify them with a preemptive action. I would think my own track record as a parent, mistakes and all, would speak for itself.

GOOD
Today, as you know, was Tattoo Day! OMG what a time that was! We were booked for 5 tattoos over 5 hours. Total time was about 2.5 hours, I think. I'm now the proud owner of a beautiful purple coloured angel wing on the top of my right foot. It is amazing and means the world to me to have this FOREVER connection to Velda, her daughter, and both of mine. Pics coming soon - sorry for the delay.

BAD
This situation I have with Princess right now is getting to the point of no return and I can see the signs on the wall. It is going to get ugly. It breaks my heart that I'm faced with the thought of my daughter in the way I am right now. It's not what I would have ever expected. I wonder why I'm surprised by things that happen around me. I asked Cute Boy today, "Am I the cancer in these situations, these relationship issues? Really, is it me, please be honest?"

I feel like I'm a season pass holder of the roller coaster emotions of life. I will be glad to put this week behind me, although I don't think the upcoming week will be any better, sadly. I am tired. I am sad. I am lost. I am scared. I am hurting. I am disappointed. I am drained.

This blog is taking a nasty turn and I'm sorry for that. I just don't have much going on that is peaceful and easy. Life is in a phase that is challenging and heavy and then in turn so is the blog.

Hang in there. The 'me' you know and love will find it's way back! I promise.

Blessed Am I

Today has been quite the day, I'm telling you.

I had my final appointment with regards to my relationship issues. I can not tell you the difference I feel about things. It is so refreshing to have an unbiased opinion to hear me out and help me figure out why I may feel the way I do or why I'm affected by certain things and not others.

My life has been hectic lately as you can well imagine. Cute Boy and I have had barely more than a minute together this week. I've worked 2 shifts at my part time job and full time at my full time job. Factor in Cute Boy's hours and that makes for a very long week. He and I were able to talk to each other a bit today. There are things swirling around our house and life that I've not discussed here, nor will I until I'm certain one way or the other in regards to what may or may not happen.

This talk that he and I had was amazing. The comfort and understanding I'm getting from him right now is worth so much more than money or fine diamonds. It is as though in the last few months we have come to a point in our relationship that I can just 'be' with him. It is wonderful. If I were facing the things that I am and didn't feel or know that I have him in my corner, I'd be lost. I truly am blessed for his love, support and understanding.

In my appointment today, of course, I talked about my relationship and the support given to me as I'm dealing with Velda's illness, my own fears and concerns. I feel so selfish when I say I don't know how I'm going to deal with my life if/when something happens to her. She is such a rock in my world. I've said it before I don't mind saying it again. She is my safe place. Never to be judged, just loved and appreciated for who I am and what I bring to our relationship. I truly am again, a blessed woman!

When my appointment was over (my last relationship issue appointment), my counselor looked at me and said, "I'm concerned about you and I'm going to refile your paperwork so you can come back and deal with your feelings about Velda". I'm so grateful. I really like this woman, not just because she has offered me an opportunity to come back, but because she's hard, but soft. She is thoughtful, but makes me think for myself. She is just what I need when I need it. I said as much to her. I stated that this would be my last relationship appointment and now mine and Cute Boy's relationship is better than ever, that I spend 45 minutes talking about Velda, my heartache and worry. My counselor responded, "Maybe you were in that place in your relationship to get to the point where you are able to deal with new challenge in your life". I love that reasoning. Not that I want to have to be dealing with Velda being sick, but that my counselor sees a connection in things and that life is all connected to one event leading to another. I laughed out loud at her and said Velda is going to love that when I tell her! She did too! I couldn't imagine if my relationship were a mess and I was still dealing with my fears.

I am blessed beyond words. It is funny because I'm able to see that not all things are perfect in my life, but I can still find happiness. Now, to deal with the issues I've yet to speak of. I'm hopeful, but realistic in my expectations. Only time will tell.

Thank you for always being here for me and commenting when you can. It means the world to me. If it weren't for being able to post at work, I'd never be on. I apologize to those who have seen my number of comments drop. I'm still thinking of you!

Tough Talk Time

The start of another week and I'm already tired.

I have a busy week ahead of me, but that gives me no excuse for slowing down. It just really pushes me all the more to get done what needs to get done.

I was up early this morning and showered ready to start the day.

I went to visit with Velda for a bit this morning. It was a tough, but good visit. There were tears. Of course there were tears. There were some difficult topics, of course there was. We talked about a lot of things and laughed a wee bit too! It felt good to be in the fold of Velda's friendship without the barriers of Internet or telephone!

Velda has asked for my assistance in doing something. It's not something I'm comfortable divulging until she does, if she does, on her own blog. I'm honoured to be requested to help with such a task, although I know it is going to be emotionally hard as hell. I will do this for her. I will do anything for her!

4 days until Tattoo time!!!!!!

Tattoo Talk

I took my little picture to my tattoo guy yesterday! I talked with him a bit about the reason, the why and all of that. He has proposed some changes to the design because of the size requirements and location.

We have an appointment booked, 5 of us, for Friday Oct 23rd.

In answer to the questions from my previous post.

• I don't find that tattoos hurt


• I did find the picture on line


• Cathey, I did receive your package the other day. I'm working towards getting a picture and a formal thank you posted here.

I think that's all I have the energy to do for now.

Love and hugs all around!