The Point Is

I'm in a bit of funk as of late. It seems to be going around. I'm not normally one to want to be like everyone else and this is no different.

I've not blogged in a bit on account of being in this bit of a funk, so as much as I'm going to blog now, I'm going to cheat a bit and do it point form.

• I'm not sleeping well.
• I'm tired.
• My daughter's best friend's mother has been diagnosed with 4th stage uterine cancer.
• This hits too close to home. I'm not dealing with this well.
• I'm sick and tired of cancer and the fear it incites.
• I've been feeling sick to my stomach for days and mild annoying headaches.
• I am sick of working 2 jobs.
• 2 jobs is making a small financial difference and I'm thankful for that.
• I miss the sun.
• The rain is not helping me feel any better.
• My new running plan is going, but not great.
• My life is good and I feel ungrateful with what sounds like a negative post.
• I'm getting my hair cut and coloured next Wednesday.
• Is it next Wednesday yet?
• I want some quiet snuggle time with Cute Boy

That is a quick unload of the things floating in my head. I get like this from time to time. As quickly as it appears, something good will happen and I'll feel better. I don't get like this often and for that, I'm thankful.

Heavy Hearted Moment

When you're tired and working on less that 7 hours sleep in 2 days, you should do what you can to avoid things that are emotional and difficult. Working on less than 7 hours sleep in 2 days, is in no way smart. It is not good for you. It's especially not good for your heart or your emotional handle on things you can normal deal with in a manner of strength and not as a blubbering maniac.

I got out of work early today to do a bank thing for Cute Boy (new truck comin' - ya). That was fine. Since I was in the neighbourhood, I thought I'd check up on Princess and see if she was at work so I could pop in and see her. Her not living at home obviously limits our time together. She was shocked at that in the beginning, but has gotten used to it, or it seems anyway.

Princess has 2 jobs and I expected her to be at the job closest to where I was, but unfortunately she was at her job a bit further down the road, not far, but more of a hassle for me to get to at 5pm. Traffic joys? You wanna bet. I communicated via text messaging that I would pop by the close job, but not deal with the traffic to the farther job. The whole time talking to Princess she had told me she was outside her work waiting for me. It was a tough thing to tell her I wouldn't be driving down to her job to see her. It was too close to her start time and I'd never make it in traffic. So, I headed towards home or so I thought. I just automatically got in the lane that would spin me around and take me to her job.

I drive in to the parking lot and there she is in the window, looking out. I thought telling her I wouldn't be popping by to see her, was tough. This was so much tougher. You know how people say, "It was like getting punched in the gut". Well, this was just like that. She had this expression on her face that just hurt so much.

I didn't stay long, but seeing her felt good. I think it felt good. It hurt like hell. I cried all the way home and then stood in the kitchen and sobbed to Cute Boy. I know a lot of Princess' decisions are of her own making and she has to do what she has to do, even if that is not what is best for her future or her safety or health. I can only do so much. I have to step back and watch this unfold. It hurts like hell. I know I've already said that, but it's the only thing that really seems to fit.

I'm putting this day to bed!

The Exodus Edition of my Life

I don't know where to begin. Most people would say, the beginning. Where the hell is the beginning?

Queenie
Queenie came home. Queenie is leaving again. She is not finding what she needs here. Our house doesn't feel like a home to her. She is really struggling. She is going again.

It has been talked about at great length. There is great concern about her leaving again. She has done a good job up to a point of making it work for her on her own. It appears to me that she is stuck in two worlds. A world, where for 2 years she was on her own. Making her own decisions. No parenting involved. No one to answer to. No one to tell her what to do. No one to demand expectations of her. In a school that is filled with other young adults. Now, back home she is in a school with 'kids' and it drives her crazy. I don't want to speak for her or how she feels, but it is as though she is displaced in her life.

This particular topic could go on and on, but I'll keep short in saying, that Queenie leaving is very sad for me. I have loved having her around and it breaks me heart to know I'm not going to see her everyday. It has been very good for us that we have had this time together. I know, it has done me worlds of good. When I kicked her out of the house it was one of my biggest life regrets and to put some of that right again, feels good. Really good.

Princess
Princess has now left home. When will the revolving door of my house/life end, really? I'm not saying this for pity or compassion. I'm not looking for it and most importantly I don't want it.

Things have never been easy between Princess and Cute Boy. It is as simple as that. I have been as much a contributing factor to that as anyone. I take my responsibility for that.

My fears of the life Princess will lead while not living at home, scares the hell out of me. I don't even know how to put to words the true depth of my fear. We'll just leave it at that. I've been very quiet about Princess leaving. I think a lot of that silence is the fear. The sadness. The hurt. The worry. The ugly of it. The feelings of failure as a parent.

Me
I never dreamed that I would be living the life I'm living. To think I have a house that neither of my daughters want to live in is just too much for me at times.

I have a life that is sometimes smooth, sometimes not. I am a woman that lives life with my emotions and wouldn't change that even if I could. I'm passionate about the things that matter to me and I'm always trying to figure out how to make those around me that aren't happy happy. I wonder if therein lies my biggest mistake. Worrying more about others than myself and then when I do worry about me and put myself ahead of one or another, I'm left.

I have no relationship with my father (whose birthday is today, by the way) and that is just sad no matter how you look at it. The story is long. The story is simple. I stood up for my children and my father and his wife couldn't handle that and walked away. Sad. There is obviously a lot more to the story, too much to write. The short and long of it is - no relationship with my father.

I don't stand up and fight much for my own happiness, as much as I am happy, I just don't fight for it often because people walk away if you don't tow the line.

My dad - walked away
Queenie - walked away
Princess - walked away

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but just to get the rattling thoughts out of my head.

I never know if you read or when you read if you do. In case this is one of those times - I love you!

Where Walks The Angel?

I don't even know where to begin.

This has been a week for the ages. I'm more tired right now than I've ever been in my entire life. There is so much to say and so little that I want to say.

I know you read my blog and that makes it more difficult than anything. This is my safe place, my unload spot and you will read my fears. You know my fears because you know me, but to see them in black and white in front of you is more than I want you to ever see.

3 tumors in your brain and another on your lung! Life is a wonder. Caner is a bitch! Life is to be enjoyed and loved, appreciated and cherished NOT to be dreaded with 3 tumors and now another! You hold me up. I hold your hand. I cry the tears and you hold the tissue. You fight the fight and I'll be right there beside you holding your heart in my hands. This is not going to be easy, but you've got me under your wing and your friendship is forever embedded in my heart, so we are going to get through this. Whatever you face, I will face too!

You are one of a kind. You speak to me without words. You know me in a way few do. Words aren't necessary and the silence is of a precious gift. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you now or ever.

I love you!