January in Review

January in review:

What a month it has been. I can hardly believe it's just over a month since Christmas. Normally in my world, January drags on and on. I think keeping myself busy has been helpful, both for my mental state and my emotional well being.

Here are some of the things I've been doing to pass the time.

Running - 50.32KM

I've logged 12 runs for the preparation of my half marathon in May. It's only MY half marathon! Ya right. There is an estimated 35,000 people over the course of the Ottawa Run weekend. When I'm not running I'm thinking about running. It has consumed me. I have a tendency to become obsessive about certain things. I see an obsession in the making. Apologies now to those that have to listen to me drone on and on about this run or that run.

Reading - 5 books

I've read 5 books this month! I'm blown away by this one. It's been so long I can't remember when I last read 5 books in a month.

Talk Me Down - Victoria Dahl
Last Gasp - Carly Cassidy
The Last Song - Nicholas Sparks
I, Alex Cross - James Patterson
Too Close To Home - Linwood Barclay

I have another book that I'm almost finished, but it will be credited to February.

Weight Loss - 6 lbs lost

I've lost 6lbs over the course of the first month. I'm pretty happy with that. I'm still in the 140's and that part bothers me, a lot. I want to get in to the 130's again. I'm most comfortable at 125-123, so for me to be in the 140's it still seems like a long way to go. I know in reality I'm more than I number, but the mental games I play with myself and my thoughts of carrying around this extra weight weighs heavier than the weight itself. 6lbs for a month is a great start and I know this as well as anyone. I am focusing more on the running right now rather than the weight loss, but the weight is never far from the front of my thoughts. Over the course of my training I'm sure I'll lose a little bit more weight, but nothing like the 125 I want to be sitting at. One meal at a time and I'll get there eventually.

Stitching - 16h 10m

Well, I've once again discovered my desire to stitch. I'm not able to find the time at home and that is okay. I stitch at work every other week when I'm working evenings. I'm too busy at home when I'm on days getting ready for the following day to sit down and put needle to thread. I find my thoughts about my stitching have really changed. It isn't so task oriented now, it's just fun again. I don't have to push myself to get it done, just enjoy the process. I had a visit from the frogs (those non-stitchers, that is when you have rip out your work) and rather than become all stressed out it was just a matter of pulling it out and starting over. That is a wonderful place to be in regards to the love I have in stitching.

I've offered my services to Velda, but I'm not sure if she'll take me up on my offer. Time will tell. Seriously, V, if you're reading I will totally do this for you. Pam said she would do one too, and you could even start it the way you stitch - she's a lefty too! Think about it, my dear.


Personal Life

My home life is amazing. Cute Boy and I are just grooving along. Working and doing what we can when we can when we're together. He and I are great and that is no small wonder. It is wonderful.

Our children are in various states of life and that is tough. I think, tougher for me than for him, but that stands to reason I'm a more emotional critter than Cute Boy. I struggle with the place of my girls. I know things will eventually work themselves out and the girls will be stronger for it. Living through it is another story.

All in all it's been a busy month and a good month. If this doesn't prove the point that I missed my calling as a statistician, I don't know what will.

Have a great one!

Band-Aid Fixes and Princess Wishes

I had been doing so well and now I'm just sitting here a mental and emotional mess. Some of you may be aware of some of my situations with regards to my personal life and some not so much. I'm the mother to two incredible girls, young woman really. One is 19 in just over a week and the other is 16.

Things with the girls hasn't always been easy, never more so than when their father and I split up. I don't always blame him for the wrongs that have faced us, but he has a hand in them no matter what I want to believe or say. My oldest daughter was prompted to not respect me (by him) and it worked. Our relationship took a nasty turn and I kicked her out of the house at the age of 16. I couldn't take the attitude and disrespect any longer. During that time, it was as though every time she opened her mouth it was his ignorance coming out of her mouth. I lived with the demeaning disrespectful talk when I wasn't towing the line long enough, that to hear it from the mouth of my child was more than I could bear. It has been an issue for me ever since, the kicking her out. I turned my back on my daughter in a way I despise. Our relationship has found it's way back to a place that is good -- really good. My oldest daughter still struggles through life, but is working towards a better life. I worry though. I guess I will always worry. It's what mothers (parents) do.

My youngest daughter has moved out of the house Cute Boy and I share. Cute Boy and Princess (youngest daughter) never connected. I take responsibility for some of it, but not all of it. They are just so different and I'm stuck in the middle. Princess moved out the end of October. Since then she has been struggling with staying different places and feeling as though she is an imposition to those that she is, or was staying with.

Just this last week, she got her own bachelorette apartment. I know in the beginning she was excited, but now the shine has worn off and already the loneliness has set it. I've had a few text messages from her and it is evident that she is sad and lonely. I hate it so much that she feels that she can't live here with me and Cute Boy. Not really me, but with him; that she feels she's not comfortable. It breaks my heart to hear the drop in her voice, even the tone of her texts are sad. I don't talk to her about moving home, nor will I. I lived through that with Queenie (oldest daughter) and I was broken hearted every time she said no. Princess always has a home with us, but she chooses this path and I, as her mother, as much as I don't like it, can't do much to change it. So, nothing is what I do. Feels great - read very sarcastically!

I sit back and I watch and do what I can to help when I'm able. It is never enough. I feel like a failure in not being a better parent. I'm not looking for sympathy or platitudes, please understand that. This is just so difficult to think of my daughters out there in the world on their own, before they are ready. It is like they are playing dress up and sometimes, like now, I just want to scream and cry and shut out the hurt that is rolling around in my head and heart.

I guess the distraction of training for a half marathon and trying to get back to the things I like to do to pass my time, is only going to stop the thoughts and hurt for a short time. It's like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It will not fix the problem. That much is becoming glaringly evident.

Dragging my ass to bed to put what was an otherwise good day, behind me. I hope I wake up with a better outlook than the one I'm saying good night with, because already, this Debbie-downer attitude is pissing me off! I wish I could snap my fingers and my girls would be grown and I would know that things turned out alright for them and all this stuff they are dealing with now didn't do detrimental damage to them. Oh, to live the life of a fairy tale princess.

Until next time....

Sweet And To The Point

• Visited Velda today. Awwww, sweet visits with those you love.


• Weight loss this week .8lbs. Was expecting better, but I'll take it!


• Feeling great mentally and physically


• Princess is all moved in to her little bacholerette pad. Cute place, but the mental issues I have with this are tough


• Love the fact that I look forward to working out again.


• Can't wait to play with my Garmin on the treadmill tomorrow
  
• Queenie is finally getting some calls for interviews. She's been trying, without success, until today. Wearing the biggest grin for her right now.
  
• Today is Friday, so it's Starbuck's day at work. Sweet. Sweet. Sweet.
  
• Having the best time stitching and reading.


• I like being me again!