Colour Me Green

Green isn't really my colour, but lately I seem to be wearing a lot of it.

I have so much going on in my life lately, and stuff that isn't pretty. No matter how many times I revisit the issues I can not make them any less of an ugly frightening situation than what floats in my damn head. It's not that I've manufactured the issues, I just can't escape them. The two that have created them seem to be doing fine with things, but the mother (me), not so much. I think the reason would be that I'm the adult and see the situations for what they are - life changing!

On top of all the issues I'm having with my girls, I'm struggling with jealousy in other people. I know many of you that know I want a breast augmentation think I'm crazy, but I really do want one. It's been years and I've never wavered. Not for one second have I had a doubt that this was something that I wanted. The only thing holding me back was, and always is, money. That is the heart breaker of the situation. I'm a viable candidate and I just don't have the money. When I first requested the referral to the plastic surgeon, I had the money and could have and would have had the surgery done, if not for the fact that my doctor had my incorrect mailing address 3 addresses back from the one I was living in at the time, or I could have had my surgery done and paid for a long time ago. If only the referring plastic surgeon's office had called my house to confirm it years ago, rather than wait until 3 years later to follow up. So sad.

I just read on another's blog that she is getting a breast job, tummy tuck and liposuction to compliment all the weight she has lost. Great on her for losing the weight and essentially getting rid of all the excess skin and improving her breast line as well. As I read her blog entry I cried. I cried a lot. How pathetic.

A friend I work with is getting a breast augmentation in December as well as a tummy tuck. I'm happy for her. I really am. She is a sweetheart of a woman and this will make her extremely happy. Her fiancee bought her this for her 40th birthday. How freaking sweet is that! She has her appointment December 1st I think it is. As happy as I am for her I am so sad for myself. Again, how pathetic.

People will say to me from time to time, just buy a good bra. A bra will give you the lift, the cleavage and bust line you want. That is all fine and dandy, so my chest will look good in clothing. What the hell happens when I take the bra off? Oh ya, the sagging will be down to my rib cage and stretching more it seems everyday. Lay on my back and my freaking sides have grown boobs. Lovely! I hate it.

Why is it that I have so many other more important and life changing events happening in my world and I'm sitting her crying over boobs? Pathetic! Really freaking pathetic!

Why Do I Do What I Do?

That would be the brick wall that is currently being used as an object of unlimited pain. I've been beating my head against it since my appointment with the plastic surgeon.

I've tried letting go of the dream and it's not working. I know many have said that it may come at another time for me. I'm trying to keep that in mind, but it's a challenge. Since the appointment I've been even more obsessed and I'm not doing a good job at all of letting go. I've called the surgeon's office to get a breakdown of the cost, which follows

Implant Fee - 1800.00

Doctor's Fee - 3000.00

Anaesthetic - 425.00

Hospital Services - 900.00 (4-6 weeks post op)

Total Price $6125.

Talking to the surgeon's secretary, she advised me to call my insurance company to see if there is any part of the fees they would cover. I know better. Of course, they don't cover any part of it.

When talking with the receptionist she told me if I make my decision in the next couple days she could schedule me in for the end of June! Seriously??? It is good to be informed, I know. It is bad to be too informed.

My biggest worry is that I'm starting to be overly obsessive about this. I cry easily at the thoughts of what could have been. I don't often do 'what ifs', although right now, you'd not know that. Last night I went home and I was the only one there and I find myself filling up a baggie with salt to do the measurement to see what CC is best for my body size. I'm walking around the house with salt bags in my workout shirt and crying. Okay, holy shit, get a grip already!

Anyway, that is my most recent update to where I am mentally with my girls!

It's Been Quite The Day

I don't even know where to begin. Truth be told I've been fighting the urge to post this blog entry all day. Do it, don't do it. Do it, don't do it. Well, you can see which option won out.

I know this entry is going to come under some scrutiny (sorry Cathey)! I love you and I value your opinions and experiences, but I'm just trying to follow my own path.... sort of!

I had an appointment today with a plastic surgeon for a consultation for breast augmentation. I submitted the request for a consultation/referral in November 1995. It has taken me this long to see the doctor because my family doctor (the retired ass) had an incorrect address on my file (2 of them, actually). I did update every time I moved. I got a phone call about 3 weeks ago in regards to this appointment and have been excited and apprehensive ever since. Part of my annoyance with my retired doctor is that at certain points over the last 3+ years, I would have been able to afford this procedure. To know it was doable is just beyond heartbreaking.

The sad part for me is that no matter what the doctor said today, I know I can't go forward at this point and time because I can't afford to at the moment, nor does it appear to be any different in the foreseeable future.

I was almost tempted to cancel my appointment, but I didn't. I figured if it took me this long to get the appointment I might as well keep it. The resident (student doctor) and the staff doctor were both awesome when I apologized for what I felt like was a waste of their time.

I was informed by the Plastic surgeon, that my age, health and physique make me a perfect candidate for augmentation. We talked size, silicone or saline, under pectoral muscle or over (I'm more suited to over), nipple sensation and numerous other things. I was very impressed with the doctor's manner and how he dealt with me. He told me everything I wanted to hear and then some!

Off he goes and on come the tears. I could barely get dressed for the tears streaming down my face. I pulled it together enough to get through the room of waiting patients and to my car. Once in the safety of my car, I was a freaking mess. I don't know how long I sat in my car crying my eyes out. My own financial stupidity is what is the problem. I was thisclose to getting what I've always wanted and for my own stupid financial miscues and carelessness, I'm missing out.

I've heard most every negative comment that can be thrown at me for a reason why I don't want this, and why I shouldn't want it. It doesn't change that fact that I do want it and I've made it virtually impossible to get it! Stupid stupid stupid!

That being said, and the segue being made that I've made a mess of my finances, I'm starting to look for a part time job. I need something that can work around my 1 week days, 1 week nights. I'm off every weekend, so I'm hoping that will help some. I know, if I'm able to secure a part time job, a portion of my money will be spent on Princess' cabs to and from work, but other than that the money can be directly applied to my current debt load! I've applied for a 2 jobs already tonight, 1 full time and 1 part time. The full time, I don't expect to get, but did explain my work schedule so if they're flexible it might be possible. The part time appeared more flexible, which I would expect. It is for the Tommy Hilfiger outlet here in town. Who knows. One thing I do know... I've made a financial mess of my life and being an adult sucks big time! Wish me luck!

Oh, and in case you're wondering the part time job has nothing to do with not having the money for an augmentation. The part time job thought started a few days ago when I realized I'm not keeping up with my life financially. Something needs to change, my spending and my money coming in if I'm ever going to see the light at the end of the financial tunnel.

MWAH!!!