Fight of Flight

Why is it that sometimes life's just like that? I'm soooo damn tired it's not even funny. I don't think that I'm so much physically tired, but emotionally exhausted. Is it that I'm too much of a pushover and people 'abuse' that or just expect that I will continue to be pushed and prodded. One minute I'm travelling along in my happy old way and BAM here it comes again!

I sometimes feel as though I'm surrounded by negativity and then I in turn become negative. How to stop the cycle? I'm living one life that is pretty much divided into 15 different sections. Let me list them and see if you feel as dizzy as I do just thinking about it. I have on my plate on any given day the following things to contend with:

• The craziness of my job and the shifts involved
• Lillian and trying to balance my time with her (her thinking she's a burden)
• Worrying about Alyssa doing her thing on her own (way too young)
• Finding time for the gym
• The everyday running of my house and all that it involves
• Trying to find time for Todd....
• Worrying about my finances and the mess I've made of them
• The added burden I've placed upon myself with my finances and thinking I need to get another part time job
• Dealing with ex-husband and the havoc he is dishing up right now
• Balancing the old life with the new and the emotional turmoil that always presents

For the most part I very much love life. This feeling I have right now is one I deal with from time to time, but not no matter how many times I've felt this way, it gets no easier. It's as though when life is good, it's really good and when it's not....look out.

I wonder what is more difficult, living in a verbally abusive relationship; one that was predominately run by emotional blackmail and heartache in the last years? Or, what I do now, running from place to place in a state of never being able to do enough for others. I love helping out, I love being able to be depended upon to help out, but sometimes I just want the same in return. I don't ask for much, but when I do it would be the most amazing feeling in the world for an instantaneous 'yes'. As I said, I don't ask for much.

On another front, but one from the list above. I applied for 2 part time jobs yesterday. One is with a temporary agency. I don't expect to hear back from it, but you never know. Right? The second job I applied for, which I'm hopeful about is at a local pharmacy here in town. It is only 12 hours per week, which would be a good amount of hours to bring in a little extra money and not so much to completely undo me physically and emotionally. My plan is to get this part time job and use half of the money to pay down my debt (on top of my regular payments) and the other half will go into a savings account for new boobs. I know! I know! Frivolous dreams of a girl that should be thinking of other things. :)

I will conclude this whining session. I don't really like the idea of two posts back to back that are rather heavy and filled with negativity, but I more than needed to get these things out of my head. You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

Love ya's bunches and bunches.

ETA: I just did a very smart thing. I'm not always doing smart things, but this one is good. I know my ex-husband is gearing up to take me to Family Court, so in the event I have to pay him back any money I've taken a lump sum of $1000 and put it into a GIC. It doesn't pay a lot of interest, but the additional $30.00 per month might just be enough to help out. I know one thing, it's better than the money sitting in my savings account where I can get to it easier than in the GIC. In the event I have to pay him back (GRRRRR) a lump sum I'll be able access this money within 24 hours. Doing that withdrawl is going to be uber painful!

Funny how a little thing like this can change one's outlook. I'm still very much in a contemplative 'why bother' state of mind, but I do feel somewhat better than I did when I started this post. Push on or give up? Push on is my choice.