Passion, Obsession or Insanity

Things That Go Bang In The Night

2011-12-01T10:09:00.001-05:00

I'm still absolutely furious as I write this entry, 12 hours after the fact.

I was on my way home from work last night sitting at an intersection, when a car pulled up beside me. It should have pulled up diagonal from my vehicle since I was the 4th car in my lane, and this particular car would have been the 3rd car in their lane.

The car sat opposite my car and the occupants, got my attention, partly because that was a stupid driving move. If I thought that was a stupid driving move, what happened next is beyond stupid.

The occupants were laughing and jeering (I could see mouths moving), and the driver pulled up a gun and shot 2 times at my car. The gun was a play gun, but for a split second, you don't know that. With the windows up on my car, I couldn't hear the gun go off, but heard the 2 dings off my car's passenger door.

The vehicle and it's occupants advanced when the light turned green. I did what I could to get the licence plate, but of all nights, I didn't have my my cel phone. Forgot it at home. I wasn't able to properly remember the plate number. I'm so mad at myself. I do remember the last 5 digits "NY 709". It was the combination of the first letters that I know I messed up. The NY part was easy to remember because of New York, and the 709 is a commonly used pager number at work. GRRRR on messing up the first digits.

I called the police when I got home. I know what happened was bad, but I wasn't really thinking of how bad it was until the dispatcher told me an officer would be out to my house shortly to speak with me. It then dawned on me, it was a crime with a gun. A toy gun, but a gun just the same. It all just clicked with me. I am so mad at myself that I messed up the plate number - so mad!

It just hits me from time to time that people are bat-shit crazy! Stupid little punks! Seriously, they need to be taken home and their arses whooped and good!

Who would think, eh, just driving home and all this could happen. You just never know. I've said that from time to time, but to actually feel it is just crazy.

Long Time No Communication

2011-11-24T18:26:00.001-05:00

I have not blogged in a dog's age. To the point of why bother anymore?

Most of my computer time is spent on a wedding board and mindless clicking game links on Facebook. I don't do much blog related activity at home, never have and the work computer parameters have changed so much that I can read blogs, but can't access my own blog from work.

Even as I start this, I wonder who out there is interested in what I have to say anyway, so has the blogging world really lost much when I've not been blogging? I think the answer that best applies, would be: NO!

Never one to give up or in easily, I'm still here. My fingers continue to type.

Live, since I've last been here, has been hectic to say the least.

Princess and the Prince have moved away. My heart breaks a little every day. I'm getting used to it, but it's not easy. I am very proud of her and her quest to go back to school. I just really wish she would stay in town to do it.
Queenie is doing really well. Very proud of her.
Wedding plans are fast and furious. I'm enjoying myself and questioning my decisions most every day. It's insane this wedding planning business.
Cuteboy and I are quickly approaching our 2nd annual winter vacation. I can not wait to put my feet up, read a book and drink free beverages for a week. REALLY CAN NOT WAIT
The battle of the body is still ongoing. I've actually hit my highest weight to date. It is heart breaking and something I am so tired of dealing with. I whine and cry and do nothing about making changes. Things will remain the same if you don't make a change in your behaviour. I tell myself that, but in the strangest way, it goes right out the other ear. I've tried switching ears, but it seem both ears allow for important information to escape.

Anyway, that is my life in a nutshell.

I think I will attempt be a bit more consistent with my posts. This is a short one, but it really does feel good to see things coming together in the form of thoughts getting out of my head.

Until next time....

Wasted Time

2011-08-04T07:12:00.005-04:00

I feel like I'm doing nothing but wasting time.

Wasting time with thoughts of wanting to work out.

Wasting time pretending to eat properly then blow it with stupid decisions.

Wasting time working to pay for a gym membership that I don't use.

Wasting time spending energy with negative self imagine and self worth thoughts.

My weight has hit another all time high. This is getting to the point of pathetic, if not already past the point of pathetic. Something has to give and I do hope it's not the button on my pants.

My plan for the month of July was to run/walk a distance of 30 miles. That is a distance of 1 mile per day. Not too hard, right? Wrong!!!! I went to the gym 3x for a total distance of 12.38 miles. That distance includes a 6 mile walk, so to say I came up short would be an understatement.

I give up!

Happy Heart

2011-07-15T18:59:00.008-04:00

I was given the most incredible news this week and it has taken me a bit of time to process.

My dear friend Velda who has been battling cancer for coming up on 2 years now. Her prognosis wasn't a good one, but in true Velda fashion, she has shown that damn disease she is not going quietly in the night.

I have been remiss with my blog. Remiss with my friendships. I fill my days with stuff and stuff and stuff. Not a lot of time is spent with Velda. There are many stupid reasons for that, and right now, not one that I want to share!

I was talking to Velda earlier this week and was so happy to hear that her tumours are half their original size or gone completely. From where she started, the journey from there to here, that is wonderful news!

For me, one a more personal selfish level, this brings us one day closer! An extra day of time together to hopefully share with each other some special happenings and experiences.

Long Time Gone

2011-06-29T21:50:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder why I haven't deleted my blog yet?

I love my blog. I really do, but I just don't make time for it anymore. It makes me sad to think that I don't make time for myself to express my thoughts, feelings and silly life happenings anymore.

I come here periodically and dump info and then run again. My blog has become a hit and run blog. Poor thing!

I will try to be kinder, gentler and more considerate in the future.

Since I've last visited I have done the following:

Walked a half marathon (3 hrs +)

Walked a 10.5K (1hr 41m)

Gained and lost the same 10lbs - bleh

Wedding Related Stuff

Was given a beautiful engagement ring (finally ::) Seriously worth the wait

Set a date

Chose a reception location (still waiting on word from chef/organizer)

Have been flipping and flopping on some decisions (grrrr)

Made a major decision on a surprise element for Cute Boy (down payment tomorrow)

Have been searching high and low for a certain type of shoe. Getting closer!

I think that is all the stuff that I have to share, or that I think you would be interested in reading about. :)

Until next time, and hopefully that doesn't translate to a month from now.... take care!

Precious Prince

2011-05-04T20:43:00.004-04:00

I'm back!!!!!

I have a shameless plug of little boy cuteness. In my last entry I said I would be back with an updated pic of my adorable grandson. This picture is my little heart breaker a week ago. I was able to take part in bath time.

I'm rendered speechless by my love and awe of little guy, so be this my Wordless Wednesday!

Where Has The Time Gone?

2011-04-19T16:50:00.006-04:00

It does not seem like an entire month since I've last blogged, but apparently it has been near to that, if not even longer.

I've been busy, although I'm not sure I've been THAT busy.

My commitment to more positive thinking has been going well. My body will do what it will do and what I push it to do. There is really nothing to be gained in my mentally abusing myself. I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I sometimes internally talk to myself. I'm impressed with how much I've changed my self-directed dialogue.

Time has been spent in love with the most adorable little grandson to ever grace the earth. It goes without saying, that I am so in love with him it is nuts.

This is a very old picture of him.... how is 2 months an old picture? I like it because it is so crisp and his wee eyes are open.

Weight Watchers is going well. I'm down a total of 4.5lbs. Would love for that number to be much higher, but this time around I feel like I'm doing this the right way. Good eats. Good gym time and a mental balance that is working really well for me.

No news on the engagement front. And I mean, no news! There is still no ring. No date and not even a lot of talking about it. I'm trying to keep positive about this. although I'd be telling in big old lie if I said it wasn't bothering me. I'm working with myself on a daily basis not to over think things, although that is what I do and what I am doing.

I will be back in the next couple days with more chatter. Probably nothing much important, but chatter.

Late for Lent

2011-03-14T15:18:00.002-04:00

I never did post what I was giving up for Lent. I didn't know what would best suit me this year, almost to the point I thought I wouldn't be participating this year. I finally figured it out.

I am going to give up negative self-talk. I am really bad about listening to the internal voice that chatters to me. The chattering isn't usually a positive comment, but something that is a pick at a physical trait or a personal limitation. The way clothes fit or don't fit. That sorta things getting exhausting!

It dawned on me this week at my WW meeting. I weighed in with a loss of .5lbs. I wanted more than a half pound loss. I would have normally come here and said, "I only lost a half pound". I lost half pound. That is a half pound that brings me closer to my ultimate goal. That is a half pound that puts me that much closer to fitting in to clothing that didn't fit last month. I am a half pound closer to all those things. I am happy with that.

Negative chatter no more. It may take me a bit and I'll keep working on it.

Week One Weigh In

2011-03-06T15:56:00.002-05:00

My first week back on Weight Watchers following the Points Plus Program, was a pretty good week. I lost 1lb. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking to lose more on my first official week back. I will be happy with this loss though. A loss, no matter how small is always better than a gain.

There has been a lot going on in my personal life. Really, when isn't there? I find that I'm mentally and emotionally distracted with a lot of what is going on, so that I didn't eat my way through it - can you say CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE and more CHOCOLATE???

I started training for my second Ottawa Half Marathon. I've logged 8 miles and am already 3 runs behind. I'm not stressing over it though. Things will figure themselves out eventually.

Velda, my dear friend, started her chemo treatments this week. I've been pretty quiet on here about all things Velda. I'm pretty quiet lately about all things Velda in all aspects of my life. I just don't really want to deal right now, so in true fashion, I just don't talk about it.

I think that is all I have to share for today.

February Flop?

2011-03-01T07:36:00.003-05:00

There is no try, only do. I will not say I tried to get to the gym in the month of February. If I had tried harder to make it there I would have. Apparently in the month of February, I didn't want it bad enough.

I made it to the gym 5/28 days with 2 weight training sessions. That is not a good number. It leaves a lot of room for improvement. March is a new month and a new beginning to getting myself moving; my body and the scale.

Total distance traveled in the month of February 11.36 miles. I will definitely be building on that total and I look forward to the challenge of hitting higher totals per week/month.

New Beginning

2011-02-27T20:37:00.003-05:00

So, no longer living in denial of the weight I have gained, I joined Weight Watcher's yesterday morning.

I didn't expect the scale to show a pretty number and as much I like being right I was hoping I would be wrong in this particular instance. No sirree. The scale read 10lbs more than when I last officially joined WW about 4.5 years ago.

I have read mixed reviews about the new program, but my first few days I really like it. It would be much easier if I actually had the calculator, but unfortunately I will have to wait until somewhere near to the end of March.

It has been a long time since I've truly felt accountable. It feels good to have some sort of structure and accountability to myself, my meeting leader and the scale. I look forward to the next couple weeks to see how and if my body will adapt to this new lifestyle. Things promise to be interesting if nothing else.

New Little Man About Town

2011-02-22T20:30:00.002-05:00

It has taken me quite some time to get pics up of the love of my life. Welcome to the world, my little prince, born Feb 8th, 7lbs 11oz! He shares his birthday with his Auntie Queenie (my oldest daughter).

Princess handled the rigors of labour with class and dignity.

This situation didn't start in a very positive way, but now I couldn't imagine my world without this most handsome little guy in it. He is the apple of his grandma's eye.

Books, Beach, Beer, Boy and Bling

2011-01-19T09:18:00.006-05:00

Okay, so I didn't get back to update on the Resolution Run on New Year's day! The reason is a very good one. 3 days after I was on a plane to the Dominican. Cute Boy and I booked a week long trip with another couple to escape the rigors of everyday life. The trip was just what was needed by all. All I wanted was to be surrounded by books, beach, beer and the boy!

The weather was fabulous. The company even better. Big news came out of the Dominican! Cute Boy and I came home engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There has been some talk of marriage in the last couple months, but I was not expecting this. Not at all.

Cute Boy and I now have to go ring shopping. That should be fun because we are no where near close on a price point.

I am so happy I can't even tell you.

Bring on the divorce from the first marriage and let the planning and fun begin.

Good-bye 2010

2010-12-31T18:54:00.006-05:00

This has been quite the year. It hasn't been the best year nor has it been the worst. This has been a year filled with change and a lot of personal growth.

I've learned that I am so very blessed and loved by the most amazing man. Our relationship hasn't always been the easiest and that is okay. For everything Cute Boy and I have faced together, it has brought us to this most incredible place with an understanding of who we are as individuals and has shown us how our experiences make us who we are today.

My youngest daughter is now pregnant and that discovery knocked me for a nasty mental loop. The road back to a stronger mental spot has been wrought with many ups and downs. I still struggle with her actions and decisions, and figure I will for some time still. There is nothing to be done now. The little peanut is on the way and a small part of me, okay a bigger part than small, is getting excited. If it's any indication, the shopping for him has already started.

My oldest daughter still amazes and impresses me. Her and I have had our fair share of trials this past year, but seem to be in a better place now. I'm glad for that. She is doing extremely well in her first year of college. She has made some major decisions with regards to her schooling. Major move. Queenie has applied to another college (4 hours away) to a new program after she realized this one she is in isn't for her. When did she become so mature? Some of the courses she is currently taking may be transferable so she is going to continue on with this program so to enable an easier transition from one program to another.

Velda is still alive! That has been the biggest blessing of this year. I still worry every day and deal with the busy of my day to day life that keeps from seeing her as much as I would like. Never far from my mind is she, and even closer to my heart. She is another area of my life that I know I am amazingly blessed. I am never made to feel guilty when I don't visit as I should, nor does it ever feel like I've left when I get back there. From what I can see, her health is still good and she looks incredible. She does a heart good!

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Oh ya, I do. It brings 2011 Resolution Run with the ugliest running jacket EVER!!!!! I look like a freaking pylon! I'll be back with an update tomorrow or the next day.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Contented Sigh

2010-12-17T00:04:00.003-05:00

I made mention in my previous post about my life being at a place where I am content. I'm so much more than content. Aside from my worries about my daughter's pregnancy, I'm so incredibly happy.

My life hasn't always been what it is today. I was in a marriage that I thought was going to last forever. Who doesn't think that when they get married? After many years, some good, some great, and some just downright awful, the marriage ended. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I felt, as I'm sure many do, when something such as marriage ends, you'll never feel normal or happy again. It's a way of coping and healing.

What I thought was a good marriage turned out to be a mess. I look back now and see the dysfunction for what it was. It wasn't all bad, but there was so much of me I couldn't be. I was constantly striving to be what he wanted. What he wanted wasn't me and that much and so much more is evident by the cheating and the disrespect shown over the final years of our life together. That was tough. I'll never say otherwise, but I am certain of one thing. I would do it all over again if it put me where I am today.

Today, I share my life with the most wonderful man. I am more blessed than I sometimes think I deserve. The life that Cute Boy and I live is pretty charmed. I don't mean charmed in the lots of money, fine dining, exotic trips and all that glitz and glamour, but charmed in a way that each and every day I see my life as a blessing. My life with him, a blessing.

The life I live with him is one that shows me laughter, friendship and the most incredible support and understanding I could ever find. As with any relationship, he and I have had our ups and downs. From those early days when you're a huge grin knowing you're going to be spending time together while still in that honeymoon phase, to the points of moving in together and all the adjustments that entails. Wondering at that point, between the settling in to this new living arrangement and the fighting if we've made the right choice. Are we right for each other? Should we have moved in together? Have we made a mistake?

It has been a crazy year and not one I would want to relive, although I can see a different side to my relationship. You can add that to the rest of the lessons learned over the past couple months. I am so content and at peace with where I am and how I got here. I've said to Cute Boy in the past, 'I would take every tear and heartache all over again, if it were to put me here with you'. I meant it when I said it the first time and I think it holds true more and more as we face each hurdle together.

From a few short months ago, spiralling in to a depression, fearful of the future and struggling to get out to bed, to now being excited to see what life brings me each and every day, is quite a feeling. To share that excitement each day with Cute Boy is priceless.

***This post started out in my head completely different than how it hit the blog. I'm not certain I did justice to what I was really trying to say.

Figuring It Out As I Go

2010-12-14T23:52:00.003-05:00

I am smart and a wonderful woman. Those were the words uttered by my doctor this morning.

I had an appointment today to discuss my emotional and mental struggles with all the things surrounding my daughter and her pregnancy. It was a very good appointment. I've learned a lot about myself, my strengths, weaknesses and coping skills. This situation is not something I would ever wish on another parent, but from all things come a learning lesson. Mine would be that I may crack and a may crumble, but I will not break. I am much more equipped to deal with things than I thought I was. I'm stronger than I've ever really given myself credit.

It is not without the help of others though that I can say that I am who I am. The list is long, the instances many when I was given support and strength from others. Not all that have helped me read my blog and for that, I am sad. I have done my best to thank them and to let them know how much their generosity, love and friendship have meant to me while I struggled.

A very important thing I learned is that this baby is coming. It's not as though I didn't know it, but I've worked towards accepting that fact that this little guy is coming. Regardless of his parent's life choices and how his little life began, he is coming. He is going to be loved, cherished and adored. These are things I know. No matter my feelings about this pregnancy leading up to his birth, I know myself well enough to know I'm going to fall in love with him as soon as I lay eyes on him. My fear for his future is now being replaced with thoughts of his little fingers, his tiny toes, his little face and those first wondrous moments and all the joy a little baby brings.

This journey isn't just mine. It will be my daughter's and that of my little grandson, but this right now is about me and how I'm coping. I've come a long way. I'm not to the point that I'm excited. I'm still scared. Scared to death really, but I'm starting to work my way around to being more happy than apprehensive. Is it wrong to feel happy about something that I was so torn up about only 4 months ago, if even that long? The battle in my head is a struggle.

A baby is on his way in the next couple months. That is huge! Holy cow!

My life is really coming around to a place that I am so content with and I will post more on that in the next couple days.

Quick Update

2010-12-08T06:56:00.004-05:00

Life is no less crazy 2 weeks later. Thank you for the kind works and support. They are greatly appreciated.

The crazy really isn't much to do with Princess (pregnant daughter), not in a day to day sense, but figuring it all out in my head. I don't see her much. She doesn't see anyone else much either. She is all about the father of the baby and working. I know she is extremely stressed out. Who wouldn't be? 17 years old. Pregnant. No longer in school and supporting yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's child (4 years old) from a previous relationship. I'm 41 years old and that situation would stress me out!

Outside of the pregnancy situation, life is good. Cute Boy and I are in an awesome place. I couldn't be happier with respect to my personal life.

I have been hitting the gym again - finally! My weight isn't going down. It is holding steady and I'm okay with that for now. I've finally realized this isn't a race. It is about living, learning and doing what I can from day to day. If the gym isn't my #1 priority that's okay.

I hope is well with those that are ready. I'm doing my level best to get back to blogging, reading others and commenting.

Take care!

Plug Your Ears

2010-11-22T11:34:00.002-05:00

I am so angry and frustrated I just want to scream bloody murder!

I am fast sliding in a mental state to taking myself back a few months.

Things just seem to never end. People want and take, want and take! It gets old. I'm about ready to flip a lid and I'm telling you, those in the line of fire had better duck!

I just want to bury my head under the covers and not come out until it's time for Cute Boy and I to go away.

Life's a Bumpy Ride (read cautiously)

2010-11-09T06:58:00.003-05:00

I've been away for quite some time, and to be completely honest I'm not sure how much more I will be back. I think about blogging A LOT, but I just don't know what to say. How to say and how much to say.

I've had a lot going on in the last year and in August, I hit my breaking point. I find, there are times that I just get so mired in thoughts of 'whoa is me', that I just step back so as not to be a constant downer to those around me. That is where the 'Tammy Turtle' comes from. I go within and I shut down. It's not a healthy thing, really, but it's what I do.

I had been off work from mid-August until just this past week. I've been under the care of my family doctor and now a counsellor. It has been one the most difficult things that has crossed my path. I would take the heartache and questions of my separation/divorce, 10 times over rather than feel like I've felt in the last couple months.

My 16 year old daughter (now 17) will birth my first grandchild at the beginning of February. It has taken me a while to build up the courage to put that out there. Those that have me on their facebook, please do not mention this there. Out of respect for my daughter and my in-laws, I do not mention my struggles in that forum. As much as my blog is a public Internet (all can read it), this is 'my' place. I just feels different.

I have cried more tears about this situation with my daughter than I would have ever thought possible. This pregnancy and my issues with it, are not just about her age, but the age and history of the father, who is still around. I find that he is still around somewhat surprising.

I'm not putting this next bit of information out there to spark debate or to bring a backlash of my situation. Please keep in mind when you read this, that my world and my daughter's world will forever change from the moment of her realization of pregnancy. I talked (or screamed), depending on how you look at it, about my daughter aborting this pregnancy or putting it up for adoption. I didn't think I believed in abortion and I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

The baby is being birthed by my daughter and I am now working through the process of feeling as though abortion or adoption as an option for my first grandchild, which is a boy, by the way, was something that went through my mind. The situation, being what it is, I feel robbed of that excitement and joy of being happy for the day when I am going to be a grandmother. I don't want to get in to why, other than age, as to why these options where what I thought was best for this unborn child and my daughter. It's not my story to tell and I can't trust myself and my feelings to think I will tell the story without putting my own personal views and feelings to it.

So, in light of that world-rocking-news, my world crashed around me. I was off work for almost 3 months. I'm on anti-depressants. My relationship with both of my daughter's has changed and now viewed in a more contentious and cautious light. I am guarded and scared about my daughter's future, not to mention that of my unborn grandchild. Right now, I take life one day at a time and try to find the good from day to day and work through getting inside my head with the fear of the unknown.

On that note, I think I've unburdened enough. Thanks to those that are still reading and commenting.

2010-09-24T22:31:00.002-04:00

I've been working at getting to the gym on a regular basis. I am happy with how much I've been able to get there considering all things that have been going on lately. I think the gym has somewhat been my mental saving grace.

Thus far, I haven't really had much of a plan of attack. I've just been doing whatever I feel like doing. I decided today to change things up a bit. I decided to focus on specific body muscles. So, today was back and legs. The legs work out could have and should have been better.

Back
Seated Rows
45lbs - 10 reps
45lbs - 10 reps
50lbs - 8 reps

Lat Pulldown
40lbs - 8 reps
45lbs - 10 reps
50lbs - 10 reps

Close Grip Seated Row
27.5K - 10 reps
27.5K - 10 reps
27.5K - 8 reps

Legs
Leg Press
70lbs - 10 reps
70lbs - 10 reps
75lbs - 12 reps

Hip Adduction
80lbs - 12 reps
85lbs - 10 reps
90lbs - 12 reps

Single Leg Glutes
60lbs - 10 reps
60lbs - 10 reps
60lbs - 10 reps

I think tomorrow I will work triceps and shoulders. I love working shoulders.

Still Off

2010-09-22T11:57:00.002-04:00

I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm off for another month. I wasn't expecting this. I know I'm dealing with some things, but I figured he would give me a prescription and my return to work letter. No way! I asked if I was getting my letter and he looked at me like I was nuts. Okay, I feel like I'm losing it, so maybe that was me more than anything else. His belief is that I'm suffering anxiety and panic attacks, as well as being borderline depressed. Is it any wonder?!

I have a counseling service available to me through my employer, but they have been terrible this time around. I've called them 4 times and haven't had a call back. I'm not impressed. So, in telling my doctor this, he has offered to have me see a counselor from the doctor's office. It will enable better communication between him and her. That is a good thing.

I'm not 100% about the prescription right now. I took it last night and today I feel odd. I didn't sleep well last night and right now my ears are ringing something awful. I'm really not enjoying being me lately.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff! I want to talk about some good stuff!

Today is my WI day... my new day! I lost 1.7lbs this week. I would be making great progress if not for that one week I gained 3lbs. I'm really happy though. It's been a while since I've been this low and since I've had 2 back to back weeks of loss. Yaaaaaa!!! Take joy in the small things.

The one good thing about being off work is that I can get to the gym easier. I do believe once I do get back to work I will be have some sort of routine and it should work out okay too.

I have a half marathon to run in less than 2 weeks and I am nowhere near prepared. Right now, the only hope is that I don't hurt myself. I don't know why I let the adrenaline push me to join this half. I wanted the bling, I think, more than anything else. Awful. I'm just awful!

Anyway, I'm outta here to do nothing and then do more of nothing.

Love and hugs until next time!

Colour Me Green

2010-09-19T20:49:00.005-04:00

Green isn't really my colour, but lately I seem to be wearing a lot of it.

I have so much going on in my life lately, and stuff that isn't pretty. No matter how many times I revisit the issues I can not make them any less of an ugly frightening situation than what floats in my damn head. It's not that I've manufactured the issues, I just can't escape them. The two that have created them seem to be doing fine with things, but the mother (me), not so much. I think the reason would be that I'm the adult and see the situations for what they are - life changing!

On top of all the issues I'm having with my girls, I'm struggling with jealousy in other people. I know many of you that know I want a breast augmentation think I'm crazy, but I really do want one. It's been years and I've never wavered. Not for one second have I had a doubt that this was something that I wanted. The only thing holding me back was, and always is, money. That is the heart breaker of the situation. I'm a viable candidate and I just don't have the money. When I first requested the referral to the plastic surgeon, I had the money and could have and would have had the surgery done, if not for the fact that my doctor had my incorrect mailing address 3 addresses back from the one I was living in at the time, or I could have had my surgery done and paid for a long time ago. If only the referring plastic surgeon's office had called my house to confirm it years ago, rather than wait until 3 years later to follow up. So sad.

I just read on another's blog that she is getting a breast job, tummy tuck and liposuction to compliment all the weight she has lost. Great on her for losing the weight and essentially getting rid of all the excess skin and improving her breast line as well. As I read her blog entry I cried. I cried a lot. How pathetic.

A friend I work with is getting a breast augmentation in December as well as a tummy tuck. I'm happy for her. I really am. She is a sweetheart of a woman and this will make her extremely happy. Her fiancee bought her this for her 40th birthday. How freaking sweet is that! She has her appointment December 1st I think it is. As happy as I am for her I am so sad for myself. Again, how pathetic.

People will say to me from time to time, just buy a good bra. A bra will give you the lift, the cleavage and bust line you want. That is all fine and dandy, so my chest will look good in clothing. What the hell happens when I take the bra off? Oh ya, the sagging will be down to my rib cage and stretching more it seems everyday. Lay on my back and my freaking sides have grown boobs. Lovely! I hate it.

Why is it that I have so many other more important and life changing events happening in my world and I'm sitting her crying over boobs? Pathetic! Really freaking pathetic!

Inspiration Dress

2010-09-18T10:13:00.003-04:00

I bought this little gem when I was in hiding and healing mode at Cute Boy's sister's. I've had it for about a month now and just mustered up the gumption to share it with all of you.

Cute Boy and I have 2 weddings to attend in the month of October. I figured with the colour of this dress it would be perfect.

I feel a bit hippy in it and thicker in the middle than I normally like when wearing a dress that fits as tight as this one. I couldn't pass it up though. Chris (Cute Boy's sister) and I went shopping in Montreal at the Outlets and you know how it is when you find 'the one' piece of clothing that is a just have.

The Le Chateau outlet had some great deals. This dress was marked at $129 regular price and I paid $49.99 for it. I ended up walking away with $260 worth of clothes, and 1 kick ass purse, all for $101.00! Deals like that, for me, don't come along often, so I couldn't pass it up.

I will be pairing the dress with silver shoes. Love them, especially since my angel wing tattoo will be visible, along with a silver clutch purse.

Cute Boy and I don't find many opportunities to dress up and we are both looking forward to the occasion. It promises to be a good time, both weddings.

Off to the gym I go, so as to slim down my middle somewhat to feel a bit more confident in such a pretty little gem.

Wacky WI and Life in General

2010-09-17T09:22:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile -again! I have the best of intentions for getting here daily and sharing some little tidbit about my day. I think I just live such a boring life, why bother.

My life right now, since I'm still not back to work, consists of the gym and that is pretty much it!

I weighed in on Wednesday (new WI day) and I've lost 2.5lbs. I'm hoping to build on that number and get it a little bit lower still. My commitment to the gym has been good. I've been more than not and that is what is important to me. I gained myself 15 Activity Points for the past week. Yaaaaa me!

Things on the home front with the girls is status quo. Neither one of them are still really talking to me unless they need something. Princess needs the address for her health card to be mailed. Drama queen is just looking for mail and such. Oh the joys of being a disposable being in the life of those you love.

Cute Boy and I are doing well. Thankfully. If I had to add a tumultuous patch to the rest of the mental garbage I'd seriously flip a lid.

I am working on finding a personal happiness and mental balance amidst all the rumblings in my head. There are moments when I can see that I truly do love my life, or moments of it anyway. That is a great thing, I know because there were times when I was so bogged down with negative thoughts and hurt that I wasn't sure life would find it's easy flow. I know things never stay the same and that this life is about evolve, learning and growing, so those feelings wouldn't be a forever thing, but when you're living it - oh boy!

I will be back later (hopefully today) with a couple pictures of something I bought that is a great push in getting me to the gym. It is a gorgeous dress I bought to wear to Cute Boy's nephew's wedding and the wedding of a couple of people we play ball with. So unlike me, to wear a dress to 2 functions. Unheard of!

Until next time! Take care and lots of love being sent your way!

On Your Mark, Get Set....

2010-09-13T10:25:00.008-04:00

Go!!!!!

Front shot

Side Shot --- my goodness!!!

The backside - ugly ugly!!!

Since the beginning of September I have been participating in Syl's 30 day challenge that she has going on her blog and Facebook page. I've not been to the gym every day this month nor did I expect to be.

I started this challenge as way to get my motivation level up and inspire myself to want to do something more than nothing. It is a great way for me to get back to doing something for me and only me. That comes out more selfish than I would or could ever be.

I'm not back to work yet, so getting to the gym is pretty easy right now. I will be juggling and struggling more when I am back to work. As of right now, I'm not sure when that will be. I was to have a doctor's appointment today to assess the situation and see where and what happens next, but my doctor's office called early this morning to cancel the appointment. My next appointment isn't until next Tuesday now.

Sadly, my breathing issues are still front and centre. I struggle to get a full breath and have to do funky things with my mouth to get a decent breath or a full lung breath. I do a lot of sighing and it sounds like I'm always yawning or huffing in annoyance. I'm not, I'm just trying to breath. Scary crap, I tell ya! I think it's related to stress and anxiety, but a doctor I'm not so who really knows.

As for the gym, I've currently been there 9/12 days. All things considered I'm extremely impressed with that so far. I will keep working towards my goal of a healthier more fit body. Mentally, I'm a long way off, but I will keep working on that too!

Until next time, to those of you that are still out there reading - thank you!

Love and hugs!

I Do and I Don't

2010-09-01T23:28:00.003-04:00

I do want to do this and I don't want to do this.

I've been M.I.A. from the world in general for quite some time now. I've been on Faceboook and that is pretty much just a mind kill activity playing games.

My life has been a shit show for about 3 weeks and I'm about ready to lose my mind. I'm off work, doctor ordered stress leave, with a life that isn't getting any less stressful. I'm not sleeping and I'm eating like crap! I'm not sleeping without sleeping pills and I went to the pharmacy to get a refill and the pills I've been prescribed are on back order and have been for 2 months or more. I never took the sleeping pills often, until lately.

My doctor is on holidays and I don't have another doctor's appointment until next Monday, the Monday after the Canadian Labour day. Sorry, too lazy or tired to check a calender. I can just tell you it's too long from now. That is the sad harsh reality of my nights right now. Can you say addiction??? No really, it's not that bad. Okay, maybe it is that bad.

Some of you that read my blog have been around since before it was a blog, when it was a friendship started on a Cross Stitch Board and then it became THIS. Those of you that were around then, were around for the demise of my marriage and all that that entailed. This current life drama is worse than anything I could imagine.

I have a personal fear of certain things happening to either of my daughter's. I best explain them on a ladder scale. The top wrung being murdered, the second wrung raped and the third wrung, I'm living it. I guess the answer to the title, "I do and I don't'', is that I don't. I don't want to do this right now. I can't do this right now. I can say the words of what I'm dealing with, but as I sit here right now, I can not make myself type the words that I can say, and I've been living for weeks. I can do all that, but I can't type them here for me to have to see and relive. It's not going away and I'm not dealing any better now than I was when all this mess began.

On top of the issues with one daughter, my oldest daughter has now decided to embroil herself in this nightmare of her younger sister. She is moving out - her story = she is being kicked out. She is avoiding me and Cute Boy, specifically Cute Boy. Her story = I am lying and being immature and handling the situation incorrectly.

I'm done in a way I have never felt before in my life. The emotional gas tank has no more gas. It is running on empty, zilch, nada, finished! I think I've turned one corner in my thinking and I'm able to get back to some sort of normalcy and then BAM! Here comes another hit upside the head.

Sleep evades. The pills are gone. The tears come. The sadness sits. The questions arise. The hurts seem to fester. The doubt never ends. The fears are endless. The future is as uncertain as it ever was, but in a way so much more so than 3 weeks ago.

I am supposed to go back to work on the 7th or 8th, I'm not sure now, but I'm not 100% on that either. I don't trust myself not to blow up at a caller and say something that would endanger my position or future. I really wish it wasn't coming up to Labour Day and my doctor wasn't on holidays.

Oh well, that's the way of the world, my world right now. I don't know how much more I can take or if and when I will be able to write words that clarify the craziness right now. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Here's to hoping it's some sleep.

System Reboot

2010-08-11T13:54:00.002-04:00

Things have been hectic as of late. I don't really know why I continue overstating the obvious. My life is always hectic. I say this each time as though it's something new. It's not!

Since I last updated, I've been to the doctor. He doesn't think I'm depressed. Thankfully! The doctor thinks I'm stressed, overworked and exhausted. It is good to have an idea of what is going on in my head, beyond the non-stop activity. He advice was to continue on with taking a little time each day to enjoy 'my pretty'. I've been trying to do that, but it's really hard when I'm working, trying to sleep and then all the other daily demands.

I'm trying to take his advice and instead of dealing with the blue screen of a mentally crashed computer, take the time each day for a system reboot.

Keeping with the theme of the system reboot going on, I've decided to recommit to my Weight Watchers way of life. I used to always weigh in on Friday, but I've changed that up too. I'm moving my weigh in day to Wednesday. That is going to take some getting used to that much I know.

I weighed in Friday past and then this morning to restart this new approach. It was a good weigh in. I was down 3.6lbs since Friday! Yaaaaa me. The program works if you allow it to work. I feel amazing today. I haven't been able to say that for quite some time.

This amazing feeling isn't just the weight, although that is a big part of it. Cute Boy and I are in the early stages of figuring out some things that will hopefully enable me to step back from my part time job a bit. That would be awesome. Keep your fingers crossed.

Now for the best part of what has me feeling a bit excited and optimistic is that Cute Boy and I are discussing going on a trip. It would be our first big trip away. It's in the early stages yet, but as things develop I will update. I'm really excited! It could be a whole week with him and another couple. A couple that I very much love and know will have an incredible time with! I hope! I hope! I hope!

So, for my first positive feeling post in a very long time, I may be soon getting away from the blue screen of my life where I feel like I'm about ready to crash! I'm rebooted and on way to working the way I should and want to be from here on out.

To those of you that commented and offered up support, I thank you for riding out the storm with me.

~Love and hugs

Sunflower Smiles

2010-07-30T22:14:00.003-04:00

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I got up and threw open the curtains, very Ebenezer Scrooge-like, in the hopes of letting in the sun and chasing away this nasty gloom I'm carrying around with me.

It worked for about 2 seconds.

I hit up the coffee pot (my inanimate object BFF) and then sent an e-mail. It was to one that knows me well and loves me in spite of it. Wise words from a wonderful friend had me responding to her comments with tears falling so fast down my face it was hard to see what I was typing. Thank you, Velda. You know, this is why, along with half a million other reasons, I love you!

I played out my addiction of Farmville and Frontierville and then hit the deck with my book. It was in short order just what I needed. I was surrounded my milk jug filled with red/orange sunflowers that are so gorgeous. They just make me smile to know I own them and they are mine... how silly, eh? Cute Boy and I bought the sunflowers and 2 hanging baskets for the deck when at the local market yesterday. I tried as best I could, when on the deck to soak in that feeling of peace and contentment, for times when the dark thoughts reappear. Not sure how well it will work. We'll see.

On my way to work, I stopped in quick to HomeSense to see what pretty things they had in stock. I saw lots and bought nothing, just again soaking up the pretty surroundings. I did the same at Pier 1. Looked at the pretty, and didn't spend.

I feel a little bit better today, but as is the pattern, that could change in the blink of an eye.

Catch Up of the Grumbly Kind

2010-07-29T21:28:00.003-04:00

It has been ages since I've been here. I've thought about it numerous times, but just have no desire to put anything down in writing.

I don't know what is up with me, but I definitely don't feel like myself lately. There are so many times throughout a day that I feel manic. I'm up. I'm down. I feel like I have a handle on things. I feel like I'm a fake in the very next breath. I laugh one minute. Could cry the next. I'm driving myself absolutely crazy. My head just doesn't stop. As I sit here and attempt to compose an entry, I'm practically in tears. My throat hurts with the urge to stop the tears. I would probably feel better if I let them fall, but for what reason do I cry? I miss my house. I miss being home. I hate the things in my life that I've done that have put me here. It's just too much some days.

Cute Boy and I were discussing selling our house and building again, or buying a pre-existing house. That isn't going to happen. Long story (not relationship issues), that are now passed and no need to bother with the long drawn out saga of it all.

I'm still working my part time job. The month of August is going to be nothing but a blur for me. I think I have 3, maybe 4 days off the entire month. I am so sick of working working working and not feeling as though I'm making any progress whatsoever. It's as though I'm just holding steady. No longer accumulating debt, but not really decreasing the amount I'm carrying either.

Queenie is all paid up for college and that is a good thing. It was a touchy money month with getting her all squared away. That was another additional financial drain. I'm glad things are taken care of now, though. Help from her dead beat dad would have been appreciated, but that is not ever going to happen.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. It is my escapism from the every day of my life. That has been an upside of working a lot. The part time job has a television with basic cable. That has been fun too. I've been all over The Real Housewives of whatever place. The is mind numbing fun. Great way to pass a midnight shift.

The eating/working out/training for 2nd half has been a non-event! I've not weighed in for 3 weeks. It wasn't helping my mental state, but neither does the muffin top on every single bottom I own..... augh!!!!

Maybe I should have stayed away from the blogging a bit longer. This nasty attitude of mine will scare people away. The people I want to read and comment will go, but not those damn blog spammers will be here to forever torment and torture. My word to them, although I know they don't read they just have some stupid computer program hitting blogs - KCUF FFO, would ya already. Do something constructive and positive with your time! Those stupid spammers would be the reason for the id word function and save to be approved option too. Sorry to those it inconveniences!

Runner's Adrenaline Trouble in the Making 101

2010-07-13T15:58:00.004-04:00

A couple days have passed since the hellfire of my current situation. There has been no change. No official word on what this change of events will bring to my life. The fear and apprehension still reside deep down, but there is nothing for me to do right now, but wait. So, wait, I shall do.

In other less titillating news, my life is just plugging along.

I have a word of advice to all of you. Listen closely it's really super important. DO NOT sign up for a running event ie: half marathon within the first month directly following a completed half. You are being lead by your runner's high which is bound to come back and bite you in the kiester!

I signed up to run the County Half Marathon in October and I've run a hand full of times in 2 months. This is not the suggested plan of attack to run a faster 2nd half than that of the inaugural time. YIKES! I'm a bit freaking out.

I'm flat out of time! My time at the part time job is about to increase 10 fold. I'm currently coming off two double shifts. I was overzealous in my thoughts I'd have the time to fit in running and working. The highlight of the upcoming run is that I will have some awesome women on the course with me. It will be a good way to spend a morning, regardless of my finishing time. The competitor in me is singing a different internal tune, but that is really nothing new.

Stress and pressure are the way I live my life. I'm driven by such craziness, but this one is way more than I expected. Knowing myself how I do, I believe I do this so I stress over things so that I can avoid dealing with other things. Those other things scare me way more than a half marathon, I can tell you that much. When I signed up for this 2nd half marathon, Cute Boy and I were talking about my push to do a second which I knew I would eventually do, but not this soon, he was telling me about a conversation he had with a girl at work. This co-worker is a runner too (that 'too' implies I think of myself as a runner - I don't!), and she was telling him that you continue running until whatever it was that put you on the road in the first place has been dealt with. Running desire and drive has been explained. Now to find he time to deal with the requirements of running this new half better than the first! See, I'm a loon!

To further prove the point of my lunacy, reading back this entry I wonder at what I'm really trying to say. To heck with it.... I'm hitting 'publish post'.

The Merry-Go-Round Of My Life

2010-07-11T14:29:00.002-04:00

My life is just a bit of a trip lately.

I've been plugging along and having a great time with life lately. The ride is about to get bumpy and not so much fun, I think.

The rollercoaster ride of my life is about to start with that person I am still married to. His life is about to change. It's not something I can openly discuss, but things in that regard are getting very touchy. I'm extremely apprehensive to downright scared. Those that know him and know him well, as in one of my daughters, feels the same way, scared for me. Cute Boy is not so concerned for the situation, but he has never witnessed my ex-husband's wrath when he is backed in to a corner. I'm truly freaking out. I know, from the ex-husband's point of view, this all my fault. Nothing that he has done, but all because of me and the fact that I'm an F.........B......!

I don't directly have anything to do with what has been happening to him, although he will see it differently and for that, I'm scared. I am thankful, more than you will ever know, that he lives 1.5 hours away from where I live and that I live with someone now. I have moments where I'm just thinking about things in regards to this situation and I break out in a sweat and shaky hands. How pathetic is that. Fear does that to you, I guess.

What is happening to him is of his own doing and payment for his lack of accountability to his responsibilities, namely our children. I worry about the affect this will have on my daughters and how his parents will see the situation. I know for certain my oldest daughter is already feeling the fallout of what is believed to be as her knowledge of this situation. I had no idea this thing that happened to him was going to happen, so there is no way she was going to know. It is hard to see my husband's wife, I love saying that because it is sooooo wrong, treat my daughter poorly. It is the new woman's immaturity level that is evident here. My daughter offers her help and friendship and the new woman shuts the door. Wake up woman, or rather, girl. You hooked up with a loser when you hooked up with this one. I didn't know it at the time when I was going through my separation, that this was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

There isn't much I can say because this is a legal situation and I don't know how many people read this blog. I don't want to say anything that could detrimentally impact any situation that is upcoming. I just know in the event something comes of this current situation I'm going to be a freaking basket case and I'm scared to death of how I'm going to be portrayed and how I'm going to deal with the pressure of the upcoming weeks.

If I've not completely confused the hell out of you with this extremely cryptic entry, I'm surprised. I just need to get this stuff out of my head and not wanting to go on and on about it to Cute Boy, I needed to dump here. Feel free to click back and not even bother with commenting. I understand either way. There really isn't much here to comment on, just a bunch of mumble jumble from my head to my fingers to this computer screen.

I do ask in closing, just think positive thoughts and if the time comes that I can say something more concrete, I will.

Hugs,

Lordy, My Legs!

2010-06-30T22:31:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was supposed to be a chest work out day. It was also Cute Boy's oldest daughter's graduation day too. That took precedence. I could have probably been better with time management and fit my work out in too, but I was too busy enjoying the extra time with Cute Boy to bother with working out. My bad, I know! It's all about balance, right?

Graduation was awesome! I will do a post in the next couple days. Suffice it to say we are both very happy to know that half our collected children (2 of 4) have graduated high school. Both of our graduates took a rough route, but they both succeeded and are college bound in a few short months.

Sorry. Back to the topic at hand. My legs. My poor poor legs. Today's workout was short and sweet. I stated in an earlier entry that I'm not a fan of our home gym, but I have amend that statement a wee bit. I'm doing okay with 2 home work outs under my belt. Again, difficulty walking. This time from the lunges, squats and calf raises and not the treadmill workout from my Oxygen magazine.

Squats
1 set - no weight - 12 reps
2nd set - 15lb weight - 12 reps

Lunges
1 set - no weight - 10 reps each leg
2nd set - 10lb weight in my outstretched arms - 10 reps each leg

Low Rise Calf Raises
1 set - no weight - 10 reps
2nd set - 10lbs - 10 reps

Single Leg Step Calf Raises
1 set - no weight - 10 reps each leg
2nd set - 10lbs - 10 reps each leg

You may notice I only did 2 sets of each exercise and most normally you will see 3 sets. 3 is my comfort level and what I was taught and what I do. Today, not going to happen. I was in so much pain by the final rep of the single leg calf raises that I was just about crying from the maniacal laughter.

This work out, as much as it didn't involve a lot of weight, was brutal. I felt my quads in a way that I haven't felt them in a very long time. It felt about as great as I imagine someone sticking needles in my eyes would feel. Again, the stairs are killer and walking down the front steps to the truck this afternoon with Cute Boy was really fun too - NOT. Not when he's snickering at me because I'm walking like I'm a 2 year old just figuring out how to do the stairs alone. Nice! :)

I'm really starting to rethink this at home working out. It's really not all that bad. It just takes an open mind and the drive to follow it through. So far so good.

Treadmill and Triceps Today

2010-06-28T15:33:00.003-04:00

I sat down last night and laid out a little work out routine that I can do at home. It's not where I used to be, in weights nor in intensity, but for now it is what I can do. I will revamp as I can and I see things needing improvement.

I am trying to get passed the thoughts of yesterday and focus on what can be done for me today. Today's work out was a 24 minute run, as per my half marathon training plan. I decided to play with that a bit today too. I did Oxygen magazine's Crank Up Your Cardio treadmill run. It is interval based with 2-5 minutes of either walking, jogging or running. Holy hell! It was intense. I wasn't sure I would be able to finish it. I got it in my head that I would quit at 24 minutes. At 24 minutes, I said to heck with it, another 6 minutes would definitely not kill me. As I sit here at the computer, with my legs doing absolutely nothing, my calves hurt. It is painful hurt, but a good hurt! I covered a 3.6K distance which is pretty good since I was doing an awful lot of walking.

I also worked my triceps today. Keep in mind I have a minimally stocked weight room, that I absolutely abhor! It is lacking in space. It is lacking in weight selection. It is lacking in equipment. Most of all, it lacks in a place that I want to be when I'm lifting weights. When I think about going downstairs to work out, I get angry. How pathetic and sad is that.

Now that I've finished bitching about my work out room and the conditions under which I have to work out, I will finally tell you what I did.

Standing Overhead Extensions - 8lbs 12/15/15 reps - 3 sets
Single Lying Arm Crossovers - 8lbs 12/15 - 2 sets each arm
Bench Dips - 10 - 2 sets
Kickbacks - 8lbs - 5 - 1 set each arm

I could feel my triceps when I was working them, but now, not at all. :(

I really need to get a flat bench to compliment the one that is down there, that has a seated leg kicks attachment.

Tomorrow I am going to do the cardio crank up routine again and then work another body part. Which body part I've lined up, I can't remember and the book is downstairs. Those stairs that my legs get annoyed with having to climb!

The Evolution of a Friendship

2010-06-24T10:39:00.002-04:00

How is it to know when a friendship is no longer a friendship, but an acquaintance.

I struggle with this thought a lot. It is funny because it's all about labeling and really who cares?

You are friends with a person and you do things with them and that is great. A common ground is discovered and a friendship comes to life. That is when things are good and you're learning and discovering how best this particular friend fits and fills a need. As time passes and things change, so does the friendship. It is over time that you show a different side of yourself and a different side is seen of your friend.

Without words being spoken, you find you're no longer spending time with each other and that is okay, because the needs of the friendship are not what they once were nor are the people. As much as the people may not see their contribution or patterned behaviour it is there to be evidenced.

When something or someone comes into your life and fills a void and is no longer needed, is it wrong to not grieve that change or loss? I struggle with this too. I don't grieve it. I get annoyed with it. I feel used and tossed aside. Not tossed aside in a way that bothers me, but tossed aside in the way that I was the replacement to a previous friend of the friend. I feel that I should reach out to the friend I replaced and offer my compassion and apologies. It's a tough one. I never saw the behaviour for what it was to the first friend and now that I'm the replaced one, I see. How self absorbed am I???

What has really defined the end of a friendship and the move to acquaintance is the lack of honesty and openness. It's as though secrets are kept or life is now being compartmentalized. That is the most bothersome to me, if anything is right now. Just be honest about what you're doing. It's a small world. People share and things are learned. It is the separation and secrets that are the problem for me. These 'secrets' you keep, are suspected and to have them confirmed by someone other than the friend is just, I don't know maddening, I guess maddening fits best.

Of this, I wash my hands.

Do I sound childish? I don't intend to come across that way. I find it a difficult thing to explain without sounding like I'm 5 y.o. and taking my ball and going home!

Not Feeling Well

2010-06-23T22:00:00.003-04:00

I've been fighting some sort of bug lately. I have no idea. The combination of issues are odd. I've been hot/cold, sweaty/clammy. Stomach ache when I eat. Stomach ache when I don't eat. Frequent headaches.

I stayed home from work today and I called in for tomorrow (Thursday) as well. I've been feeling this way for the last 10 days or so. I will think I'm starting to turn a corner and not feel too bad then the feelings all present themselves again. It's very odd and more than annoying. It's gotten to the point that I've called the doctors to book an appointment. I hate going to the doctor, but I dislike feeling like this even more.

This feeling of blah is starting to play games with my head. I've not been running because of the overall feeling of wanting to vomit. Sorry, I know that isn't very pretty. I just want to feel like myself again. I have no energy. Some mornings, getting ready for work, it is all I can do to shower. That isn't pretty either.

I've been doing a lot of reading. Doesn't take much energy to lift a book. That is the upside. I've barely been eating which is okay, but that isn't the way I want to lose weight. Watch me have a gain this week. LOL Okay, that isn't really funny!

Let's hope another 12 hour sleep helps me feel better. It didn't do much for me today, but trying to keep a positive outlook here. Oh, I do have positive to share. I got my hair cut and coloured today. I love it! If I can get a good shot of it tomorrow I'll post pretty pictures. It felt good to be pampered when I was like a poo bag!

Off to read some more.

Balance Board

2010-06-18T08:54:00.004-04:00

You know you're struggling with your weight when a loss of .6lb has you fist pumping like a lottery winner.

I felt like a lottery winner when I stepped off that scale this morning.

There was a time when the losses and stay the sames, weren't a bad thing, and it seemed to come easy. I say easy, but I don't mention the 6 days, 8-10 hours I spent in the gym each week. The careful watching of food I ate. The gym and lifestyle were great, but looking back now I see as off balance.

Today, my life has balance. It has some running. No weight training. I hate weight training at home and I hate weight training alone! My life has beer and healthy eating. My life has a man that is not pushing himself or me for something more than what we currently have in our life right now.

There was this moment that happened about 6 weeks ago. My oldest daughter was here when I was getting dressed, and I know not the best message to send to a 19 y.o., but in the end the lesson was taught to me.

Not a lot of clothes fit me right now. I refuse to go shopping to get bigger sizes. I just refuse. That feels to me that I'm giving in to be this weight and I don't want to do that. So, in that line of thought, refusing to shop, I will get back to my story regarding my daughter and the life lesson.

I was getting dressed and I had put on this particular pair of carpi's that I have owned for years. I owned them when I was with my ex-husband and they fit well when I bought them. I continued weight training and running on the treadmill and biking at the gym. The pants got to being unflattering and extremely saggy bummed. He told me time after time that they didn't compliment me and my hard work, that I should throw them out. I continually said I'd keep them for a day that I was just grubbing around the house. The pants never got thrown out, but the marriage ended and the husband is on his way to be coming an ex-husband.

Fast forward to when I was going to wear these pants the other day. I put them on because they are a go-to pair that fit when most everything else is too small. I put the pants on and did them up and then uncontrolled tears just silently rolled down my cheeks until I was sobbing. My daughter walks in and sees me and asks what is wrong and I tell her these pants didn't fit to the point that I should have gotten rid of them and now they are fitting like they should, so much so that I have to put them in to regular rotation! I was so sad.

I've raised a very wise and intuitive daughter. Much wiser than I realized until this particular conversation. Her response was: You and Dad lived your life together and at the gym. You both looked great, but at what cost? You were at they gym working out and getting healthier and Dad was at the gym working out so he could look good to go out and cheat on you. You don't want that and you know you don't. You come home to a man that loves you. He has never made a comment about your weight, he thinks you look great. You come home from work and sit with him on the couch. You talk. You laugh. You have a beer with him and watch the hockey game. You are happy. Which would you want? The life of being thinner than you are now at the gym all the time, trying to please Dad, or feel and look like you do, with a man, like Cute Boy that loves you for you!

Pretty smart girl, huh?

I was crying when I put the pants on and I was crying at that moment. To have such love and support, but most important validation that I did what I could when I could. It was a moment that really impacted me and still does. I am truly blessed with people that understand I struggle with where I was when I was heavier than I want, where I was in my head when I was smaller and how I am still struggling with how I feel as I've gained some of the weight back.

I am working towards the balance and for today, I think I have it!

I am happy with a loss and I am happy to know that eventually I will figure out what best works for me in getting to where I am comfortable and that do that I don't need to be in the gym 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. I don't need steroids - never did them, but was pushed in that direction. I don't need work out pills. I need to drink some water. I need to ingest healthy foods. I need what I have right this very minute. People that support, love and listen.

I'm balancing really well right now!

Misinformation

2010-06-17T18:28:00.002-04:00

In my point form entry from yesterday, I stated that my youngest daughter's best friend's mother had been diagnosed with 4th stage uterine cancer. That would be incorrect. She was misdiagnosed.

The poor woman. My heart hurts at the thoughts of how she must be riding the most frightening roller coaster.

The Point Is

2010-06-16T14:52:00.003-04:00

I'm in a bit of funk as of late. It seems to be going around. I'm not normally one to want to be like everyone else and this is no different.

I've not blogged in a bit on account of being in this bit of a funk, so as much as I'm going to blog now, I'm going to cheat a bit and do it point form.

I'm not sleeping well.
I'm tired.
My daughter's best friend's mother has been diagnosed with 4th stage uterine cancer.
This hits too close to home. I'm not dealing with this well.
I'm sick and tired of cancer and the fear it incites.
I've been feeling sick to my stomach for days and mild annoying headaches.
I am sick of working 2 jobs.
2 jobs is making a small financial difference and I'm thankful for that.
I miss the sun.
The rain is not helping me feel any better.
My new running plan is going, but not great.
My life is good and I feel ungrateful with what sounds like a negative post.
I'm getting my hair cut and coloured next Wednesday.
Is it next Wednesday yet?
I want some quiet snuggle time with Cute Boy

That is a quick unload of the things floating in my head. I get like this from time to time. As quickly as it appears, something good will happen and I'll feel better. I don't get like this often and for that, I'm thankful.

It Begins Again

2010-06-10T18:26:00.005-04:00

The insanity. The fun. The struggle. The triumph. The pain. The joy. The challenge. The desire that is this run will eventually be repeated.

The distance the same. The scenery and the people in attendance will be different this time around.

The place

<>The scenery could look, hopefully, will look something like this.

Crazy things happen and somehow I get myself right in the middle of them. Last week when I was doing the Law Enforcement Torch Run, I was talking to a girl that also ran the Ottawa Half, and she was telling me about different races around our area. She mentioned that Picton is a good, flat, fast course.

I, in my not so smart moments, mentioned this at work. Well, one thing led to another and I'm running another half marathon. Another half marathon, when I am still dealing with the wonderful feeling I still have from running my first half marathon. I am running again along with a first timer, Tracy. Pam and Kristie are going to walk the half marathon. Cute Boy is contemplating it too. There is a great possibility that a girl that works with Cute Boy will be joining in the fun too, by running the half. It would be her first ever half marathon too. How is it that, me, only ever having run one half marathon in my entire life, will be the veteran of the group? Just kidding. I'm just as green as the rest of them! LOL

I've already started training. I didn't run Monday, because the decision to do this didn't happen until late Monday night, so I've run Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm about to hit the treadmill soon to get my Thursday run in. It looks like I have a bit on my plate again. As much as I wasn't expecting it, I'm looking forward to it again. What have I done?

Gifts for Me

2010-06-08T21:10:00.003-04:00

The Card

This card is gorgeous and with the most beautiful handwritten note. The card alone brought tears to my eyes. It was the sweetest most thoughtful gesture and written note made me feel beyond-words-special.

The Plaque

The plaque is engraved with:

Congraulations

Ottawa 1/2 Marathon

May 30, 2010

Time Completed 2:41

Tracy, the girl that was to come to Ottawa with Pam, Mary and I, but couldn't for personal reasons wanted to give me something to commemorate my special day. I couldn't be more touched. Everyone needs friends like mine that acknowledge the simple, the wonderful and the amazing things in one's life.

I have this little beauty sitting up on the shelf in my kitchen and each morning I drink coffee from my 'Ottawa' Starbucks mug that Pam bought me to celebrate when we where in Ottawa. A girl could get used to this kind of special treatment. Happy is me!

Law Enforcement Torch Run

2010-06-07T21:14:00.006-04:00

I can't believe I forgot to tell you what I did on Friday morning. Not really surprising with all the hectic happenings of the Relay for Life. I participated in my very first Law Enforcement Torch Run in support of the Special Olympics

It took place in the quaint little town of Gananoque. There were too many picturesque shots, so I thought you could take a look at your leisure. The pictures don't come anywhere near to do the beauty of this town justice. It isn't very far at all from home, but not a place I visit often which is really very sad.

I participated because Cute Boy asked me to and since I was going along with him, I figured I might as well participate. It's only neighbourly to support others when have willingly supported me in my fundraising efforts, not to mention the girl that was putting in together is too cute for words. I was hesitant to do something such as this, not because I didn't think I could do it, but because when he asked my quads were still 1/2 marathon screaming.

We had Brian on site with us for our run through Gananoque. He would run for parts of the route then get in the police car, ride for a bit and then out again and carry the torch. It was quite an amazing experience. Oh, I said run. Others ran, Cute Boy and I rode our bikes.

The route was short and quick with police escorts in front and back. Uber cool! The car in back had a very siren-happy-driver, so that was a riot. The concept was simple. A few participants carried a pretty decorated Special Olympics Torch Run can, think paint can, and approached businesses, pedestrians and stopped vehicles for change. Quick and simple and quite lucrative I might add. In under an hour, over 450.00 was raised.

This was the perfect way to spend a beautiful Friday morning with the man I love, in a gorgeous town, doing some good for others. This is definitely something I will be doing again next year. To be honest, I can't wait it was that much fun and that rewarding.

What To Do Now

2010-06-07T15:50:00.003-04:00

Relay for Life team barbecue - DONE

Team yard sale - DONE

Team music event - DONE

Relay for Life - DONE

Half Marathon - DONE

Now what to do with what seems to be all my free time?

I think I'm going to go home and hit the treadmill for a 24 minute run!

Why I Relay

2010-06-05T14:14:00.006-04:00

This would be the reason I relay this year!

This year's team

One of my beautiful daughters ~ Princess

This year's version of Velda's Angels is now put to bed.

I am very proud to announce we raised over $3650+ dollars as a team. I am hopeful there is more money out there. I had a few team members that didn't show up or have their money sent in by those that did come out and support us.

I've learned a lot about others and more importantly a lot about myself while doing this relay team this year. I'm not sure all of it is good on either front. Along the way, I've been honoured, I've been annoyed, I've been thoroughly pissed off and upset, I've been disappointed and sometimes stunned. I know I should be more impressed with the money raised, rather than a bitter taste in mouth by the actions of some, but the frustration of this daunting task is more than I anticipated.

I was blessed by a few team members that were available, helpful and committed. It wasn't about signing up in name only and then never being present for an event, not one, or only one event. It was a commitment of time and emotions, not just a phoned in experience. For those team members, thank you!

I didn't intend to come here and rant about this that or the other. The reason for why I do what I do is because of Velda. That being said, I don't deal well if I perceive the reason why some are doing this is for the wrong reasons. The problems I for see in future years is being able to control the team members I have and that is near to impossible. You can't control who joins, so as soon as I activate my account for next year, I'm stuck with running the risk of team members I've struggled with this year.

On a very positive note, Cute Boy saw how much I struggled. The commitment issues of others, and the way I was doing what I could at the eleventh hour to keep the wheels from falling off, and he told me he's in for next year if I do this. I don't know how I could not do. This is about Velda after all. Having Cute Boy on the team would be awesome. I've never been on a relay team with a guy before, so that would present a whole new dynamic. Not to mention I love this man to bits! I look forward to that different dynamic.

All in all, the event was a success, monetarily. Emotionally not so much.

Twas The Night Before The Half

2010-06-01T07:29:00.005-04:00

Pam, Mary and I hit Ottawa about 2p or so. We did some walking around and went to the Expo site to pick up our race kits. WOW! This is really happening, was the thought that kept floating through my mind.

We head to our hotel room, thankfully given early check in. The 5K started at 5pm. After finding our way to the run site - awesome hotel location. The people at Holiday Inn didn't mislead us when they told us we are directly in the backyard of the start line. We didn't fuel properly all day. Very bad, I know. So, the three of us split 2 beaver tails. Chocolate Hazelnut and Maple Sugar. Not the normal food choice of elite athletes, I know, but we had to improvise.

Off to the starting line we head. By starting line, I mean 500 meters back, at least 500 meters. The number of people, as much as I knew there were going to be a lot, astounded me.

A view of the start line from where we were

Oh ya, another red corral day!

A little inspiration will follow. I had to take a picture of this shirt design. It was worn by an entire team of 5K'ers.

Having my own attachment to angels. I could not let this opportunity pass me by. Too cute, although a bit heart wrenching too.

The city of Ottawa is a gorgeous one. I took some pictures while on the route. It was good to get out and walk around a bit without the confines of shoppers on Bank St!

Since this 5K was mostly for Pam, it was for her to set the pace. We came in over the finish line at 57:51. I was impressed with that time. It was Pam's desire to finish in less than an hour and we did! I can not come anywhere near to finding the words to express how proud I am of her. For someone to just be restarting their healthy journey, my heart swelled with pride that she did this.

Again, sharing these last couple days with both Mary and Pam couldn't have been a better way to spend an awesome weekend. Thanks girls.

After the 5K, off we went in search of supper. Real food, not crap. We ended up at Richtree Market for dinner. I say we ended up there. It was planned the entire time. It wasn't the carbs I should have had, but the roasted chicken, oven roasted potatoes, and roasted carrots and sweet potatoes were going to have to do. It is the coolest restaurant with great food. Pam and I have another road trip planned in July to Toronto and we will be eating there again. Can hardly wait.

Back to the hotel we head were we snacked on chocolate this and chocolate that with a few potato chips and fruity Ike and Mike's thrown in to watch a marathon of Criminal Minds. Nothing like a little Shemar Moore to relax a girl and ease her thoughts about a half marathon in the morning. I was as snug as a bug in bed by 11p and up at 7:15a to start my own race adventure.

It was a great weekend and a memory that I have to last a lifetime! Thanks girls for automatically jumping on board when I started this crazy journey. Pam, you for helping me (read pushing) to make the decision in the first place. I couldn't have asked for a more relaxing laid back way to run my first (maybe ever) half marathon and a 5K first for another! You girls (and Bre) are Rock Stars!

First Half Marathon Report

2010-05-31T08:39:00.004-04:00

That would be the smiling face of a woman about ready to run the first half marathon of her life. It is crazy to think the day had finally arrived and that I finished in 2:41:59.8

It was a long path. I guess all runner's have a story, and after this experience I have a story too. Not only do I have a story to tell, but the stories I witnessed is enough to have me smiling for days.

The morning started off pretty quiet. The alarm went off and I laid in bed for a few minutes watching videos. I wasn't as nervous in the morning as I was the night before, which I found rather strange. It was the do or die moment, I think. There was no turning back at this point. Not that that there was ever a moment that I wouldn't follow through with this. It's just not how I'm wired.

I had various items of support with me:
Red shirt - my favorite colour
Shoe soldier - From Bree to Velda to me
Hat - from Cute Boy
Purple sweat rag - Velda
Music - from my girls
Pam and Mary - support

The shoe bling

Off to the race site we head, Mary, Pam and I. Tracy who was to come with us, had a family situation that kept her from spending the weekend with us. :( Let me say it here and now. I couldn't have chosen better supporters to travel with. Pam and Mary kept me entertained and filled me with hope and confidence. I couldn't be more thankful for their love and support.

The 1/2 was started in waves so as to alleviate congestion where the full and half met up. I was in the Red Corral. Okay, how cool is that? Red is my favorite colour. So, being slow had it's advantages. ;)

I was so far back from the start line, I could barely see it. It took almost 19 minutes for me to cross the start line. It was then that race really began for me. Those first few steps in an actual Boston qualifier and holy hell, I was doing it. One problem with this delayed training and whatnot, my Garmin and I got in a fight, so I was without it for the first 40 minutes. That really threw me off my game. I used my ipod as a timer on my walk/run splits. Oh well! Not everything is going to go right on game day.

I was in the 3+ pace group. Yee of little faith. At one point I saw the 2:45 pace bunny. I wanted her and I wanted her bad! I passed her, by a long shot and then all of a sudden she was back in my vision. Ahead of me! I don't know what happened to my pace, but I was pissed. It was a back and forth with the 2:45 pace bunny. At points I was envisioning smacking her with her little timer stick! LOL

I met up with a woman and ran with her for about 10 minutes and then pulled away. I realized I really was on this journey on my own. I wanted to set my own pace. No matter how fast or slow, I wanted to have the freedom to do my own thing and not feel less than someone else. I ran every training run on my own. No need at this point to mess with what got me this far.

I hit a favorite song at 5K and it totally pushed me forward. Jay-Z, you are the man! I was neither here nor there about the music I was hearing, except for a few songs. A few reminded me of Cute Boy and that was very special while I was out there. A few reminded me of each of my girls. I contemplated putting The Climb on there, but didn't think that was the smartest decision for me at this point in time, or ever.

There was never a moment that I doubted I would finish. There were moments of incredible inspiration, but never many of doubt in myself or the process. The various runners of age, body and physical disabilities, but really disabilities? I don't think so. They were on the route running a half marathon. That in my mind was incredible. I saw people with braces on their knees, ice packs taped to their shins. The whole thing was just mind blowing. I loved it.

I have to give a shout out to any of the volunteers that stood for hours handing out electrolyte drinks, water, gel shots, water sponges, Vaseline swabs. I made sure to thank every volunteer that I was fortunate enough to be supplied something from, usually with a 'You are a rock star' comment. It made them smile. It made me smile. The people on the side of the roads, when they would be encouraging, I would make sure to make eye contact and give a quick smile so they would know they made a difference in my race experience. They really do make a difference!Sometimes it's a bit embarrassing, but it was greatly appreciated and many times just what I needed.

All in all this was an experience that I wouldn't trade for a minute. I'm on the fence about whether I will do another. That is for another time to be thought about long and hard, but not right now. I did this one. I didn't prepare the way I had wanted to, but I'm happy with the outcome. Now, if there is something you think you can't do, go out and try! You just never know how well you may do! Have faith in yourself.

And, the hardware!

MWAH!

Yikes

2010-05-28T07:21:00.003-04:00

My first week back in the blog world and I'm doing okay. No pressure in the comment department. Just doing this to get this stuff out of my head. Although, to those that have commented - THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

Weighed in this morning and it was an ugly happening. I'm hovering at a ridiculously high weight. In an attempt to not lose my noodle, I'll just remember I was this high before and I changed things. A gain of 2.6lbs is pretty much a colossal FAIL!!! I can change things again. Now, if that darn gym will just hurry up and open.

Speaking of the gym. They have been calling me about my personal training payments or something. I don't have a clue. I have to call them back today because by the sounds of it John is going to blow a gasket if I don't return his call. I've heard some rumours that the gym is about 1 month behind in opening. That would not be a good thing. I need the gym, like yesterday.

I have my half marathon 2 days from now. Yooowzers! Can you say freakin' out? I've not packed yet. I've not charged my ipod. I've not charged my Garmin. Nothing. Am I in denial?? You wanna bet I am! One of the girls that was to come with is not now. She has some things going on with her teenage daughter that is keeping her pretty close to home this weekend. She will be greatly missed! A good time will still be had, but without one. :(

Other than all the chatter above, I haven't much to say today. I'm off to guzzle water and find some vegetable to stick in my mouth. Not as much of that as I thought apparently.

Over and out! I'll be back on Sunday evening with a race update! If you're prayin' sort, keep me in mind on Sunday will ya!

MWAH

Woozers Wednesday

2010-05-27T05:16:00.004-04:00

Wednesday was not as successful food wise, but it was a great day.

Cute Boy and I did some work around the house and then stuffed our bellies with grilled steaks, asparagus, garlic potatoes and 2 beer! It was the beer and the steak that really upset the scales in the eating department. It was all good though. Good tasting and good mentally. It was hot as hades in my neck of the woods and that beer was just what I needed. Water would have been better for me, but wouldn't have tasted quite as good. ;)

I'm down to 3 days for the half marathon. That is crazy. I've not been training like I should be. Very afraid of aggravating the shin splints, so I'm just winging it. I mean no disrespect to those that train hours and hours hitting the street. I just can not muster the strength of character to hit the street, I'm that scared. I don't know what would be worse. Running this thing the way I am, on a wing and a prayer or running it with pain. It's a tough decision, but not one I can change now.

In other non running/eating related news. The Velda's Angels Relay for Life team has hit it's online fundraising goal of $1500! I'm uber excited about that! This event has been a lot of planning and a lot of work, but something that has been extremely rewarding. I'm blessed with the help and support of some amazing women. Some read the blog and some don't. You know who you are! In my head and in my heart - YOU ARE ROCK STARS!

Wednesday was a great day! Now to get going on Thursday and make it just a good.

Today

2010-05-25T23:37:00.002-04:00

Day 1 was a success. Stayed within my points. Could have done better on the fruit and veggie intake.

I will take today as a victory and a good place to start over.

Or So She Thought

2010-05-25T10:22:00.003-04:00

I've been getting outside of my head lately and figured I'd be best to find my way back to 'my' place. This is where I will be unloading my good bad and ridiculous! To hell with whether or not I get comments. How freaking vain am I anyway to think that what I have to say prompts others to support, comment or criticize.

I was sitting last night running dialogue through my head and grabbed my food journal to jot down some thoughts. I'm so far removed from tracking, eating properly and working out. I've never been this way before, not since I've gained the knowledge that my body deserves better. Craves better, actually!

The food journal entry follows:

141.1lbs. That is probably a low number, that was Friday and it is now Monday.

Nothing fits. I am so 'body sad'. I just keep putting poor-food choice food in my mouth. It doesn't feel good to feel like I do right now. I need to change my mindset of instant gratification, for long term happier success.

Tuesday is a new day. Water! Fruit and veggies!

The day is off to a good start. So far, so good.

That's All She Wrote

2010-05-06T23:22:00.003-04:00

I've been giving it a quite a bit of thought lately and I think I'm about ready to shut down this blog.

The readership is not going up and hasn't had a new follower in months, nor much interest from readers. Most entries get an average of 2 comments. I don't post frequently and I've not found my niche in the blogging world. I will not slam how others do their entries, but with that being said, the most common entry in blogdom, is not my style.

I have made a couple amazing connections through my blog and am extremely blessed for that. As much as I would be honoured to have a large group of followers, and comments, I am more of a quality over quantity type of person. I'm more about making solid connections than being the popular one. This blog shows me that more than anything else. To those, who I have forged a bond and connection, I will continue to read your blogs, post and encourage you in your adventures and successes.

I was going to wait until after my 1/2 marathon to post my final entry. As much as I could do that, I just don't see the point in delaying the inevitable.

So, on that note -

Take care.
Be good to those you love.
Be kind to yourself.
You have it in yourself to be the very best you can be! Never sell yourself short!

~T

Productive Monkey on Monday

2010-05-03T20:56:00.005-04:00

Do you ever get so mad at someone you could just cry. You're not hurt. You're just so angry at them you could cry. Oh, and this time, it's not Cute Boy. Phew!

I have a co-worker that is ridiculous and I say that in the nicest way possible. We have been friends for 18 years and seen each other through a lot. She can be very nice and then..... like a lurking predator in shallow waters (cue the Jaws music), she comes up and bites you in the ass. A word of advice - Do not drunk dial. Better yet, DO NOT DRUNK DIAL ME AT WORK! In all seriousness get yourself some help!

Just had to get that off my chest.

On to the good part of my day! I was very Relay For Life productive today. I have arranged an economical fee for advertising for our team yard sale/bake sale.

I have secured A-frame signs to advertise Velda's Angels yard sale, from my real estate agent/friend. He is going to drop them off at the house a few days prior to the yard sale. Andy, you rock!

I bought some supplies for the yard sale - yellow bristol board, yellow balloons, pricing stickers.

I was able to print off some copies of the flyer and have given a few to a friend who is going to hang them up around her house so as to generate some business. I've talked to the library and Starbucks to ensure I can advertise there. Both were very gracious and encouraging. Sweet!!!!

Krista has made some headway in getting us a 16' pool to sell at our yard sale. I'm stoked about that. I have people that are scouring their basements for stuff to sell and e-mails sent requesting baked goodies to be donated as well.

I have the keys to the house where the yard sale is being held, so I can start co-ordinating the drop off of stuff. That should be fun, if not a bit challenging.

I'm a notebook toting organizer, trying to keep all my hats in place with regards to what I have to do and remember where and when I have to be somewhere. It's going to be a very hectic month and then factor in I have a 1/2 marathon to run in 27 days. How the hell did that happen?

Oh, and the best part, I got a $25.00 donation today! How cool is that? Tres cool!

Stay tuned. Tomorrow will have more exciting news. This one, I'm excited about, if not a little bit sad, but the reason I Relay!

A 5K Day

2010-05-02T14:56:00.004-04:00

So, as some readers may be aware, I've been suffering from shin splints and on account of that, I've pretty much nixed my 1/2 marathon training in the hopes of not aggravating the situation.

My 1/2 marathon is less than a month away and I'm getting nervous about the time off and the injury. I have to test the body at some point. Today is that day.

I stretched.
I ran 5K (40 minutes).
I stretched.
I iced.

I'm still breathing and feel not too bad. My time is in line with my normal 5K time give or take a few minutes. I'm good with that. My bowels are not playing along, but I'm hoping over the next 2-3 weeks with consistent 5-10K's my body (bowels) catch up with the training plan.

There is something sweet about looking at the sweat glistening on my shoulders as I was pumping away. I love the trickle of it running down my back. The burn of the muscles. The beat of my heart. This isn't the easiest thing I've ever done, but it certainly is one of the most incredible feelings. It is so out of my comfort zone it's unbelievable. That is priceless!

Happy Anniversary

2010-04-27T12:58:00.003-04:00

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. Anyone going to wish me a happy day?

I didn't get flowers. I didn't get lingerie. I didn't get jewelry. I didn't get the divorce I so desperately want, but refuse to pay for. To be separated and still married after 4+ years is a bit ridiculous.

Anyway, Happy Anniversary to me just the same!

A Rug Or A Dog?

2010-04-24T15:46:00.004-04:00

How is this for a down in the dumps dog?

Or this one?

Daisy can be a wee bit anti-social and a lot of a sucky baby when life doesn't go her way? Hmmmm, sound like anyone you know? :)

We have neighbours now, after living here for almost a year without. The neighbours on one side have a dog. Daisy doesn't like it.

The neighbours on the other side and towards the back are outside today building a deck. Daisy doesn't like it.

She's has been pretty much 'off' all day. She is not a happy girl. She had to go outside this afternoon to do her business and she put it off to the very last minute and when she did finally go out, it was a fast doo-doo job and the whole time peeking over her shoulder to see that no one was watching. She's a shy girl too, I see.

All these things I tell you are true, but the real reason for posting pics of Daisy doo-doo is to bring some sunshine to my blog and my heart. She is such a precious little girl. I don't know how I can be so sad at times with the likes of her in my life. My little love girl, even though her heart beats for Cute Boy and not me.

If these pictures of my sweet girl don't bring a smile to my face nothing will, and hopefully to yours too.

It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere

2010-04-23T05:11:00.004-04:00

It's 5 am , not what Jimmy Buffet meant, I don't think.

It's been one of those weeks and not a good one.

I'm currently on the couch after being woke up by snoring at 4am. Off to the couch I go and now I can't sleep. Like I said it's been one of those weeks. I can not get my mind to shut off. I just want to cry and I can't even do that! I need sleep because I work today 2-10p and then 10:30-6:30 at the part time job. Doing that can be hard enough in optimum conditions, but with little to no sleep going in, not fun.

Cute Boy and I are in a place, or rather I'm in a place. He's probably aware that things aren't great, but is oblivious to it, doesn't care enough to delve into the reason why or is just of the mind that this too shall pass. It will pass, but what scar tissue will be left in it's wake?

There are times that I am blown away by how amazing he is and there are times when I look at him with eyes that don't recognize him at all. I just can't make sense of it and that is part of what is weighing so heavy in my head and heart right now.

I have an event that I'm invited to attend. It's going to be an odd event and something I have to work through in my own head as to whether I'm attending or not. First words out of his mouth without even knowing if I was going or not were, "I'm working!" Gee thanks for the moral support. I have a certain someone that I love to bits, that I need to talk to about this particular event, before making my final decision, and once that has been done I'll make up my mind. If I do attend, I will more than likely be taking my daughter with me. Sad! I guess every relationship has a giver and a taker. No balance for me.

There was a situation this week in regards to decorating in and around the house. The comment and delivery of his message was so demeaning and crushing that I've been walking around this house in a bit of a fog. We bought this house together. It is beautiful and I don't have the freedom to decorate it. I feel as though I'm treated like a tenant (not always, but more times than not), that I have to get approval. There is no decision made on my own. I feel like a child. Not a good feeling when I'm almost 41 years old and I'm seeking approval for the simplest of things. The lump in my throat is the most painful now. I'm fighting tears, as I have been all week. I think I'm afraid to let them fall because once they begin how I get them to stop? I hate feeling this way! I know! I know! Only I can change this situation.

I was talking to my best friend Pam this week and I couldn't explain it any better than by telling her how jealous I am of her. She lives alone, and at times that is really hard and lonely for her, but I'm jealous of her ability to decorate how she wants. Her and I have pretty much the same decorating style, so when I go there I feel so at home. I look around at her space and it's gorgeous and warm. I come home and it doesn't feel like home. It feels like a house. It hurts. I don't like being jealous of others.

So, I sit here when I should be sleeping and my head just wont stop. I know I will hear from some of you and your advice will be to talk to him. Tell him how I feel. I've done that and it's the same reaction and response. Reaction: annoyance and anger. Raised voice and tone. Response: "Do what you want!" The typical response from me is shutting down and harbouring my hurts. It's a self protection mechanism. As much as I know it's not the proper way to deal with the situation, I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

So, 2 hours of a night wasted when I should be sleeping. Oh, I can hardly wait for this day to be over!

Half Training Restart

2010-04-19T10:21:00.003-04:00

I've been relatively pain free for the last couple days, so I figured now would be as good a day as any to restart the 1/2 marathon training program.

The chicken in me came out in a big way. It was slow easy run. I ran for 25 minutes covering 3K. I'm not sitting back with my morning coffee and icing my leg. Oh, the joys of injury. I hate this so much.

My mental state going in to this was questionable yet determined and now with the injury I'm downright scared. I know it's only shin splints and they are very common. Many people train through worse. I'm not that kinda girl. I'm a worrier. I'm a nervous nelly!

I will build on this to the best of my ability. 3K is 3K and that is better than what I did last week, right?

Let Me Know

2010-04-18T15:57:00.003-04:00

There are some things that are brewing around my family again. As some of you may remember, my oldest daughter moved back to Cobourg just before Christmas. Things went well for her for a while and now things are getting out of control for her again.

She has been accepted to the local college here in town. She accepted and then started to waiver in her decision. I think she's scared of being in a structured learning environment again, that and a few other things that are freaking her out. Only 2 weeks ago she wasn't going to school. Fast forward to this morning, she may be moving home in the next couple days and going to school as planned. The program will remain the same, but the end result of the education may very well take her in a direction different from what she originally planned.

This girl of mine is so full of life, but very much in search of something. I have no idea what it is she's looking for, nor does she and this search finds her restless and always on the move. It is a major concern for me when I see her struggling with finding her niche and feeling like she is moving towards a place that is going to find her where she's comfortable. I can't count the number of plans she's told me about and my response to her is always the same, 'Okay, let me know'. It has become something of joke between us now. I don't know what to do for her other than listen and to let her know I'm always her for her no matter the need.

There was a conversation this morning that has Queenie discussing moving home. As I'm composing this entry the cel phone dings a new message reading, "What day works for you this week?' That is what has been going on in my life today.

There are changes underway and when they are firm, as firm as they can be, I'll let you know.

When The Running is Tough

2010-04-17T13:34:00.003-04:00

The runners try to maintain a healthy diet. This is my effort to try and undo the damage to my heart and head when I was still in pain this morning on my run. I decided to come upstairs and try and turn the frown upside down with some good eats.

The little Daisy girl in the background is good at bringing out the smiles too. She is such a little bum and I just love her to bits, although the feeling isn't so much mutual. She is a Cute Boy girl.

Nothing much on the agenda today. Mini run 8 minutes -woohoo. Not only is my leg sensitive, but my treadmill seems to be making a nasty banging noise now too! It was moved this past week with the incline up and that is a major no-no. I have to get a name of a repair guy to come have a look at it. Add that to the list of annoyances in my running world and I'm in a pissy mood!

Big baseball party on the schedule for tonight. Really looking forward to it. I love partying with my ball team. They are so fun and funny. I will be partaking in some cupcakes. I can't wait for that as much as I am looking forward to hanging out and relaxing.

I am dragging ass though, because as much as I was excited to be off all weekend, no sooner did I hit 'publish post', last night saying I was off all weekend, the phone rang calling me in for a midnight. It wasn't the best midnight I've ever worked, but it's done now.

I'm off to do a little bit more of nothing.

Glad That Is Over

2010-04-16T18:25:00.003-04:00

Was it just yesterday that I said, oh my gosh it's already Thursday? What the hell happened to Friday? Okay, not all of Friday, but Friday afternoon.

I work in an office off all women. Most of the time that isn't a bad thing. I work full time with the same person, Pam, and then the part time girls are varied. Well, I don't have to tell you how part time works. This morning the part time girl, in a word - awesome!! She is funny. She is fun. She is a good worker. What she doesn't know she tries to figure out on her own and if she can't, she'll ask you for help. Love it! Love her.

Fast forward to this afternoon, much too quickly to the afternoon I might add. The part time girl, in a word or two - ridiculously pathetic. Within in her first minute on the job I could have punched her in the throat (not really), but you get the idea. I could just about scream at her. She has no concept of what our job is. We are NOT secretaries. We are NOT babysitters. We are NOT an answering service operator!!!!! I had to work with her for just over an hour, and in that hour I was thinking thoughts that were not going to get me anywhere near the gates of heaven, but closer to the gallows of hell swallowing me whole and Satan himself happy to have me on his team! Nasty, I tell ya. Glad that is over and it's finally Friday afternoon.

Funny, but not really funny in a 'hahaha' sort of funny, how your work environment is so drastically different depending on who you're working with isn't it.

So, on to the good part of my day. It's Friday. I don't work at the part time job this weekend. I'm going to attempt to run tomorrow (5K) and then it's off to a ball party! WOOHOO good times!

I'm happy for not working at the part time job this weekend, although the money is always needed. Cute Boy is at work so I'm on my own until tomorrow afternoon when he gets home. I'm going to do some facebooking - read Farmville and then read my book on the commercials while I watch Sid the Kid even the series with the Ottawa Senators.

Oh, forgot to mention. I weighed in this morning and it was a wee teeny tiny little itty bitty loss, but I'll take it. It put me back in the 130's. Almost as high as I can go and still be in the 130's, but I'll take it - for now!

That's all the chatter I have for now.

Take care and be good to those you love!

Mish Mash of Thoughts

2010-04-15T11:27:00.005-04:00

The week has been a busy one. I woke up this morning surprised it is already Thursday. I love it.

My sweet beautiful friend Velda had a stint in hospital. I will now state the obvious that these bouts of issues scare the shit out of me! I can only imagine her fear. When I pick up the phone and it's her husband on the phone, I'm less than cordial. I'm all "What do you want?" I don't mean to be rude, but for a split second my stomach plummets, my hands shake, my body temperature skyrockets. Pretty much a panic attack.

My leg is getting better. I've been icing it, but I've yet to do any running on it. I'm a chicken poop. I'm so apprehensive about hurting myself again or having the pain, that is gone for now, will return. Fall off the horse get back on needs to be my motto for this one.

I'm all sports excited today. The Habs start their run for Mr. Stanley! I'm realistic in the fact I know it's going to be a challenge, but I'm going at this one with optimism. I never really cheered for a team until starting my relationship with Cute Boy. It was hard not to get caught up in the youth movement in Montreal, okay Carey Price is super cute too although Carey is not the goalie of choice right now. Go HABS Go!

There is a party for this weekend for my ball team. Okay, not really MY ball team because I'm not playing this year - YAAAAAA!!!! I'm all about the party though and that is all I'll say about that right now.

Bring on the Friday afternoon!!!!!

The Doctor Said

2010-04-12T19:15:00.002-04:00

I have shin splints. I was so excited to hear that come out of his mouth. I was freaking out a little bit (a lot), that I had done something really nasty to myself, but I haven't.

He asked me some questions. Did some fondling of my leg and foot. Asked some questions. All in all it was pretty quick. 10 minutes and I have answer to my questions and concerns.

Follow the advice and I'm golden! I'm off to get an ice pack!

Why?

2010-04-08T22:18:00.005-04:00

I am not having a good day today.

I am scared.

I am nervous.

I am not coping well.

I am at a loss for words.

I am struggling to think I can make a difference.

I am a fraction from tears at any given moment.

I am living in denial. It's easier that way.

I am so sorry for the fear and anxiety that I can do nothing to prevent.

I am praying my little heart out.

I love you to the moon and back!

My GoodLife Afternoon

2010-04-07T16:41:00.003-04:00

This is what you get when you sign up to be a member at GoodLife gyms and refer 3 friends. Notice that would be my house hardwood flooring you see in the background, so you can handily assume that this bag is in my house. Meaning - I joined the gym - AGAIN!!!!

I got the bag for the sacrifice of 3 names - Pam, Mary and Laura. All I ask is that you each forgive me. You may join and then change your life, the way I hope to this time around. Then, you can thank me.

The appointment with John was a bit eye-opening in the sense that I talked with him where I am, where I used to be and how I want to get back to a place that I was happy to be with my body and how I feel about myself. It was a one point I said, "The way you feel when you walk out of that gym with a sense of power and self-worth, is the most amazing feeling and not one you can put a monetary value to." Funny, I can say it just don't do it. Well, I'm paying now, as of July 1st, so I'm doing!

I also took the plunge and paid for 3-1 hour sessions with a personal trainer. It was more than I wanted to spend, not that the 3 sessions are overly expensive, but the trainer itself, I wasn't planning on. I think the way I feel and how I question my ability to do this without the ex-husband, a personal trainer may be worth his/her weight in gold.

In talking with the consultant (John) we touched on my past success and how I was able to do certain things. He told me I have the power within myself to do those things on my own. I don't need an ex-husband (built in trainer) to get me the results I want. I did the work, so I can do it again. I know this is true. Being that I've done it before I know the work it will take to get there again, so I think sometimes, that more than anything is the biggest mental battle, that and finding the time.

Goodness gracious I've just recommitted to a gym membership. I'm happy, but concerned about the finances. That part never ends. I will just have to make it worth my while and that is the bottom line!

The-You-Have-To-Start-Somewhere-Workout

2010-04-06T11:24:00.002-04:00

How many times have I come here saying that I'm going to do this and that? I don't blame you if you can't remember. It's my life and my statements and I can't remember either. So, you're forgiven.

I thought I would attempt to get downstairs this morning see what I could do in regards to throwing together a home work out with what equipment I have. Now, you may remember that I (we) have a Universal in the 'workout' room. Well, I tried it a couple times last summer and I can say with feeling and without hesitation, I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!! It is the most awkward and non-user friendly piece of equipment I've ever the misfortune to work on. I would be soooo happy to see that thing listed For Sale on Kijiji. No such luck yet.

Off the basement I head with an upper body work out in mind. Have to stay away from the lower body because of my leg issues. This is what I came up with for this morning. Now keep in mind I'm extremely rusty.

2 - 15 second planks
10 incline push ups
15 crunches
10 - 10lb single bicep curls
10 - 10lb triceps extensions
10 - 15lb squats - leg felt okay
10 - 8.5lb overhead shoulder press

This is a good start for me right now. I'm not going to spout off how I could have, should have and will do. I did and that is good enough for me for now.

Easter Was A Bust

2010-04-05T10:35:00.004-04:00

If you count the fact that I'm busting out of my pants, it was a great success.

Saturday evening after Princess got off work and cleaned up we headed to Cornwall to spend the Easter holiday with Cute Boy's family.

I am telling you, this woman, bless her heart, missed her calling in not being a certified chef. I've never seen a woman cook so often and for so many people without so much as a moment's concern about getting it all done. Crazy, I tell ya. She was non stop in the kitchen and never once asked for help, oh one time, for Cute Boy to take the mashed potatoes from the stove to the crock pot to keep them warm.

Cute Boy's family is from Newfoundland, something that I love about him more and more every day. I don't find Cute Boy has much of an accent anymore, UNTIL he is with his family and there is a more obvious lilt to the end of his words. It is the cutest thing ever. I love it.

The dinner put on for us was a traditional Newfoundland fare - Jiggs Dinner. Well, I'm telling you the, this would be where my busting pants came in to play. This meal is very sodium dense it's not to be believed, but a better compilation of flavour and foods, I've never tasted. I could marinate myself in the salt beef and the turnip. My word! After this amazing meal, came the dessert, and I am so proud of myself I only had one plate, so I could really enjoy the dessert. I've been known to have 2 plates most visits, but I had seen the desert in the basement fridge, and I'm no dummy! I saved room for dessert. Dessert was homemade, melt in your mouth, strawberry cheesecake. Cute Boy's sister has found a new way to blend the ingredients in the cheesecake to make it creamier, oh the memory of it. It still makes me smile, at the thoughts of how smooth and delicious it tasted.

You would think that was the only thing going on. It wasn't. There was the wonderful time spent with Princess. That was awesome! There was the expected drama and moodiness from Cute Boy's youngest and the excuses about life's hardships from his oldest. Such a product of the mother. Great kids but a great worry for both Cute Boy and myself right now. I will not slam his kids or throw them under the bus with their decisions or chosen path,not in this forum, as much as I'm frustrated as hell right now, my only concern is that they get through this time in their life unscathed and to see that Cute Boy is okay and handles things for himself in a way that doesn't push him over the edge. That isn't normally his way, but I do worry about him A LOT and this situation is going to get much uglier before it gets anywhere near to better, if it ever does. So very sad! I know I'm going off topic of our Easter celebration, but not really since the situation with the girls was pretty much front and centre, it was different when it was my girls going through things. I was able to be in somewhat control of my situation and now to have just offer support for Cute Boy and watch him worry and hurt, it's hard. I would rather it be me than him. Not for my girls to be in a difficult spot, just me being the primary parent and carrying the majority of the worry.

All in all Easter weekend was awesome. I am now off to do a little weight training downstairs and to guzzle back more water to try and flush my body of the wonders of a Jiggs dinner. Oh so very worth it!

Crying in my Beer

2010-04-03T12:34:00.003-04:00

I am home from a 70 minute run, 55 minutes EARLY. I've been plagued my some sort of leg issue that is so freaking painful. I started out on my run, thinking I could just loosen it up, but 1/2 mile in, I was practically in tears, so I peg-legged it home. That felt great!

A while back I had pain in my knee or so I thought it was my knee, but I honestly think it's whatever is bothering me now. I haven't run in a week and I've still been feeling this pain, so it's not sore muscles from running and all that. When I get up and walk, even a week without running, I'm sort of limping on my left leg, so I know it is something more than just running muscles. I showed Cute Boy where the pain runs through my leg and it looks to him as though it's a tendon. I am sitting here with tears just streaming down my face. I will do my best to continue training, but I really must step it back now. Not the ideal plan in planning to run my first half marathon, but what am I to do otherwise.

I will be placing a call to the doctor's office for an appointment to see if he/I can figure out what's wrong and how to fix it. The good news is my 1/2 is still 7 weeks away, so whatever is my problem, we hopefully have time to figure it out and fix it up.

For now, I'm off with my broken heart to the deck with a big bottle of beer (kidding) to drown my heartache and take some edge off the pain. I will get some ibuprofen though and just keep it pretty low key for the rest of the day.

Depressed Debby Downer signing off!

WAAAAHHHHH

2010-04-02T13:03:00.003-04:00

That would be my state of mind when stepping of the scale this morning, errrr, rather this afternoon.

I went to bed last night around midnight, after Cute Boy left for work. I slept in the bed, like a rock, I might add, until he got home. Off to the couch I went to lay down and slowly wake up. That was around 9:45am or so. I woke up at noon. I feel like I've wasted a great part of this wonderful day, but my body said, you sleep now! So, I did.

I waddled on down to the scale to be slapped in the face with a reading of 140lbs! That is a 2lb gain this week! AUUUUGHHH I'm not as upset as I'm leading you to believe, although I'm not happy with the scale.

My body has been through hell the last week. I've worked 2 full time jobs worth of hours in 1 week, so of course, my body is going to be bitchy about how it has been treated. I've not run since Sunday, so there was no additional calorie burn. I was up for so long on most days I was eating 2 days worth of food, as much as I tried to control what I was ingesting, it just didn't work out as well as I had hoped. Notice I said hope and not planned. There was no food planning in my week at all. That is the problem!

That was my life this past week, but it has no bearing on how my week is going to be this coming week. It can't. I can't change what last week was, so I'm moving on and forward.

The week I just worked was insane and not something I could do day in and day out. My friend Pam has lived like this for about 2 years and I do not know, for the life of me, how she does it. I can say though, with the hours I just worked and my income tax return that should be coming, I should be able to dump $1000+ on to my debt this month. I'm stoked about that. So stoked, that just writing it, I could cry. Okay, I know I'm emotional as a rule, but that is nuts! $1000+ in one month - never been done before! WOOOHOOO!!! It would be super duper exciting if MY debt wasn't sitting at somewhere near $24,000. It all starts with 1, right?

Is the money worth the lack of sleep and weight gain? I'm not sure. It is trading one stress for another? What do you think?

This 140lb arse is off to enjoy the day! Be kind to yourself and those you love.

MWAH!

Dump List

2010-03-31T07:26:00.004-04:00

I am tired
I have worked 82.5 hours in 7 days
I haven't run since Sunday
I think I have a plan about my debt that has given me some piece of mind
I'm still stressed about my debt ratio and my overall debt load, even with the plan
I'm feeling thick and chunky today
I can't wait until Thursday at 5pm - I'm off until Tuesday unless I get called in to the p/t job which would be good AND bad!
It is almost Easter which means Coke Zero. How bad is that? I'm losing sight of the reason of the Easter season. I'm not strong like Tash - sorry, sweetie :)
Still working hard on the Relay for Life Team ~ Velda's Angels is currently moving strong to a good fundraising goal.

How much of a whiner do I sound like today? I'm just mentally exhausted. You would think it's the other way around, that I would be physically exhausted since I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep per night for the last week, but the stress of this debt is killing me mentally.

I feel as though I'm going it alone and I hate that feeling. If it weren't for Pam to bounce ideas and my stressful thoughts off of right now, I'd be certifiable. I've been so dependant upon Pam lately and spending more time with her than with anyone else, I've asked her to marry me. She said, "No!" Can you imagine her turning down such a sweet offer.... she doesn't know what she's missing.

On that note, I'm signing off in search of my good attitude. If anyone sees it can you send it home, please I miss it.

Horses, Cows and Rides, Oh My

2010-03-29T10:57:00.004-04:00

My longest run to date 13.1

The weather was crisp and extremely windy. I felt at times I was over dressed and then at other times annoyed with myself for forgetting little mittens. I hit the road with Keith (no last name necessary), Tim and Faith, some Rob Thomas, Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, Chris Brown (bad decision maker) and Lady A.

I find with every run, I'm more and more amazed at the mental thoughts that are a burden and a blessing. At one point, I had the wind at my back and through my mind flits the Irish prayer:

Wind At Your Back
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

I wish the wind had stayed at my back. I would have much preferred it at my back as opposed to the wind that was whipping crosswind and pushing me sideways. Not fun at all.

On my travels I made friends with these beautiful creatures

And these cuties!

The best picture all day was this one

I wanted so much to know I could do this in under 3 hours and I did. It wasn't the prettiest run or the most fluid displays of athleticism, but I did it. That, right now, is as good as it gets.

I will tell you though, I was a ways from home at this point, but far enough that I was done. Spent. No more in the tank done. I called Pam when I hit the 13.1 to see where she was and what she was up to. She was just driving through my neighbourhood and I asked her to come pick me up. Being the good girl she is, she thought I was hurt and came to my rescue. She was not impressed to see I wasn't hurt and that I just wanted a ride the rest of the way home. I can't believe I did that to myself. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I should have just kept going and not wimped out like I did. I'm rather annoyed with myself, but I can't change it now. I was just calling her to tell her my 13.1 time, but got away from myself in getting a ride home.

It is funny how your perspective changes because this coming long run is only 70 minutes. Did I just say, ONLY 70 minutes. Compared to 2 hours and 38 minutes, 70 minutes should be a walk in the park. Okay, maybe not easy, but easier.

I just ran the equivalent of a half marathon on a training run. Crazy!

Tough One And Mentally All Over

2010-03-29T07:06:00.006-04:00

Today is a day that comes every year, as they all do. I guess that's a good thing because it means I'm still alive to enjoy them. Today, not so much joy.

It is today that marks the 21st anniversary of my mother's passing. I like to think I get better with dealing and usually I do, but some days I struggle with the memories, the shortness of time we had together. I have now lived more than half my life without my mother. It is a harsh realization that I have now out lived my mother by almost 3 years. I'm not complaining that I lived longer than 38, but it is amazing to think back and see that I have already missed out on so much life, love and joy if my life were to have taken the same path as my mother's.

I live each day knowing that I am who I am, good bad and otherwise by her example and by her young death. I live my life with the knowledge that life is short and that you can never predict when your time here on earth will end.

My mother's fate was sealed long before her death. Her health and illness a factor at a very young age. My mother and father, when they started dating and then took their relationship to a serious level, my father had to attend doctor's appointments and meetings to advise him of my mother's medical future. My father was informed that at one point my mother would be in a wheelchair. True to their word she was. It only got worse from there. Quadriplegic and blind compounded by many other illnesses, and her fate was sealed. It breaks my heart to think of her suffering and pain. It is with a clear conscience that I can say, when she died I felt an incredible amount of relief. No person should ever have to be trapped in that sort of hell, no matter the reason. It is not without heartache and sadness that I still miss my mother, but to love another person, as I did her, I was at peace to say my final goodbyes.

I live my life in a way that I hope would have made her proud. I say that every year I speak of her on the anniversary of her death. My relationship with my mother while she was alive was not the best and I never lose sight of the fact that our relationship was tumultuous at times. She was stubborn and pigheaded and I was a 15 year old teenager at the time of her admittance to hospital. Imagine what fun that was in combination. Not so much fun at all.

A life cut short is a sad thing, but I can say with certainty, my mother lived her life with all she had. In her memory I try to do the same.

The Who Knew WI Edition

2010-03-26T11:08:00.004-04:00

Late breaking news -

Don't run
Don't really track your food
Drink your waters - for the most part, but not all of them.

Lose 1.2lbs in a week.

In all seriousness don't use this approach to weight loss. It is not good for your body, nor is it all that great for the mind. This damn body of mine is just about to drive me insane. Don't do what I should do and lose weight. Do what I should do and maintain. Is it any wonder people suffer from eating/working out disorders. Seriously!!!!

The good thing - lowest weight in about 1 year. That has me very stoked!

I've been really bad about hitting the treadmill this week. I'm still playing catch up with my life/sleep/house and overall state of mind. The clock change and then going from days to 3 midnights (2 doubles) and then back to evenings and 2 more midnights, back to days. My time I am able to commit to myself and the street or treadmill are severely compromised.

I just got off the treadmill from an intense 20 minute calorie burn. It wasn't a long run, but it was enough to remind my legs and lungs what is expected of them. I love the feel of sweat on my elbows at 4 minutes in. In a word - sweet!!!!!!!!

I'm off to the showers and then to get ready for work!

1.2lbs!!!! Yaaaaaaaa

Why I Relay

2010-03-25T14:59:00.004-04:00

Click here and give generously

I Relay because I hate Cancer.

I Relay because I don't know what else to do.

I Relay because I love you.

Sweet Giveaway

2010-03-23T17:46:00.001-04:00

You just never know where you're going to end up when clickity click clickin' on blogs. It is such fun and then in the process you discover amazingly generous people giving away amazing bling and clothing! How sweet.

Go check out this little lovely! Too cute!!

Run Recap

2010-03-21T18:37:00.002-04:00

I've been somewhat forced to tweak my run schedule depending on what my ridiculous part time work schedule presents from week to week. I'm usually a real stickler for schedules and doing what is expected. If the training says, 30 minutes, 30 minutes is what I do. I'm really bad for stuff like that - until now.

My approach has to be open to change and prepared to accommodate craziness. I think it is something that has been really good for me. Break out of my comfort zone and all that versatility talk. You know what I mean, right?

Saturday's runs usually end up being done on Sunday and then it throws out the rest of my week. This past week I wasn't able to get a whole planned run on Tuesday and then Thursday I was still feeling some tenderness in my right leg.

Fast forward to today and I got a bit creative with my times. I added some of my missed time on to the run for today. I was to run 2 hours 4 minutes and ended up with 2 hours 12 minutes. I would have liked to do the full time missed, but I was experiencing some right exterior foot pain. Finishing my run, and still now a bit, I struggle to put my full weight on my foot. I'm breaking myself, oh my! I joke, yes, but in the back of my mind I am a bit concerned. Not trying to develop paranoid tendencies, I will continue to listen to my body as long as what I'm hearing is genuine and not me just being a wimp. Thin line!

So today saw me run LSD 2h 12m 10.06 miles/16.1K. I feel amazing to know that I did that. I would be happier if I were on the street, but it is what it is and I'll take it! Holy hell I ran 16.1K and minus a sore right foot, I survived it. I just might be able to do this 1/2 marathon thing after all. There are moments of question.

Wicked Work Weekend Mash Up

2010-03-21T17:44:00.003-04:00

Time has been in short supply lately. For those loyal readers, I apologize for being away and delaying the suspense of my life's events. Like I like a really exciting life - not so much.

I weighed in on Friday and things STS. Again, I'm good with that. My lovely monthly visitor decided to present herself. AUGH!!!! I'm just barely out of the 140's, so I'm happy with a STS because that means I'm still in the 130's. High 130's, but here is better than not.

I've been working a lot at the part time job this weekend. From Friday to Monday when I get off work at the full time job, I will have worked 37.5 hours. I'm not feeling as tired as I would expect, but this coming weekend I have to do it again. I am really looking forward to Easter weekend. As of right now, but could change, I'm off from Thursday quitting time until Tuesday. That is sweet!!!!!!

So, on that note I'm outta here to figure out supper and relax before heading back to bed to prepare for tonight's midnight shift.

I will be back a bit later with an update on my run from earlier today.

Feet Bling

2010-03-18T11:57:00.002-04:00

Look what followed me home last night!
Aren't they purdy???

Pam and I went shoe shopping last night - finally! I tried these on at The Running Room a while back, but didn't buy them because the Running Room worker was dismissive, non-attentive and overall presented us (Pam and I again) terrible customer service. I've been in shoe covet mode ever since and knew it was just a matter of time when these babies would be mine. Buy One, Get 50% and these came in at $110.00. Running Room's loss was SportMart's gain. Good customer service and better price. What more could you ask for when buying shoes for your very first half marathon.

My run schedule has been off kilter this week - read non-existent. The plan is to hit the treadmill for an hour tonight after work. I'm really looking forward to putting these pretty little gems to the test.

Next on the purchase agenda:

wickwear socks
a running skirt
a red racer back running top

Race day is only 72 days away.... breath! Run, breath, run!

The Simplicity of Friendship

2010-03-16T14:37:00.002-04:00

Orangutan and the Hound

Enjoy!

Posted using ShareThis

Just A Little Longer

2010-03-16T09:55:00.005-04:00

Saturday's long run 1 hour 50 minutes - 8.67 miles/13.9K. I so wanted to break in to the 14K range, but it just didn't happen. So close, yet still not close enough. I'm trying to tune out the head chatter that I'm not hitting distances that are going to be good enough to finish this crazy adventure. Stop! Stop! Stop!

I was amazed at how the time just seemed to go while on this run. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was no the treadmill rather than the street. I think the treadmill also has a lot to do with the non-existent muscle pains, especially the knee pain.

I did have an extremely funny happening while doing my run. This is my longest run to date, so of course, the longest run on the treadmill. Unbeknownst to me the treadmill only times up to 99 minutes and I needed to get to 110 minutes. My run was timed that I was running when the treadmill hit the end of the 99th minute. Mid-stride and the treadmill time changes and grinds to a halt. I'm jarred and the gait is messed. I'm holding on for dear life, laughing and cursing all at the same time. I'm damn lucky I didn't break myself! I must have looked a sight. I told Cute Boy, when I was done, that he'd have to be careful of that happening to him. He looked at me as though I'd grown a second head and told me in no uncertain terms that it likely wouldn't happen to him. Well, he can't say I didn't warn him.

The knee that was causing problems is not bothering me at all. I think that is because I wasn't on the road. It will be interesting to see how I feel the next street run. Not sure if my next run will be inside or outside, as much as I like the idea of walking pain free, I like the extra demand on my body when on the street. Hmmm, that last statement, if taken out of context could be confused with a woman of the night. Now, that is something to think about.

Home for the Holidays - 50 hours

2010-03-16T07:42:00.005-04:00

At 40 hours

And, again at 50 hours

I have been plugging away. Time is in short supply, so I'll be another couple weeks before another update. It's all about the journey, not about how fast you travel said journey. Right?

It's funny how much I've changed in regards to my stitching mentality. I have had little to no desire to pick up any other piece work that I have on the go, and trust when I say I have many to chose from, I really do.

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm going to be selling some of my finished works that I have just hanging in a closet. It is sad, very very sad, not the selling of the pieces, but the beautiful works just hanging in a closet. I took a picture of one yesterday that I'm going to have Cute Boy list on his E-Bay account to sell. I have debt to pay and this may very help get rid of some of that debt. It's a plan and we'll see if is a good one.

Weigh In Craziness

2010-03-12T21:34:00.003-05:00

My new Weight Watcher week started off on the right foot. Down 1.8lbs. Now before you wave the banners and compliment me on what a good job I did, read the whole entry first. I only really lost the weight I gained last week. I am gaining and losing the same 1-2lbs now. I am currently sitting just inside the 130's and I really do not want to see the 140's again. I'm so tired of this yin yang of my weight.

I hadn't tracked a single thing since Saturday morning. I was so off the points path that I just didn't even attempt to figure out a number to fit the gluttony. It was bad. Really really bad. How I ended up with a loss I'll never know. I'll take it, gladly, but it's not a loss I deserve. Now, that being said there have been gains I didn't deserve either, so I guess we're even on that one.

I have only run 2 times since last Saturday. The time and distance didn't amount to much because of the tenderness in my leg/knee. It is improving, I'm happy to report. I am planning a long run tomorrow, but not sure how successful I'll be. Mind over matter with a dash of common sense for good measure. Oh my goodness, how grown up I've become. Isn't that something!

I am so looking forward to getting off work tonight and starting my weekend. I don't work at the part time job this weekend. I'm off ALL weekend and so is Cute Boy! That doesn't happen very often. It will be a low key weekend with a road trip to Belleville tomorrow, leaving the house early. I will hit the street when I get home, sometime early afternoon. It will be a good dinner (I hope) and then Habs hockey at 8pm. I love those nights so much. Just Cute Boy and I doing the whole living together life thing. It's fun. It's days like this I realize how sweet my life is. I have to remember that feeling when I'm dragging butt between 2 jobs and operating on 4 hours sleep or less, which will be next weekend and the one after that too.

Awwwww, sweet sweet life!

Lookin' Out For Ya, Mom

2010-03-11T21:14:00.004-05:00

This would be how, more often than not, I find my dog. Daisy is keeping an ever watchful eye on the homestead. She's a good girl like that. Do you remember the dog on the Bugs Bunny cartoon that would sit on the hill watching over the sheep? I can't remember the dog's name, but this is what Daisy puts me a mind of every time I see her looking out in to the back yard.

What she is really probably looking at is the dog in the yard at the back of ours. Cute Boy and I refer to this other dog as her boyfriend. He will come up to the fence, okay not really a fence, but pallets, not our pallets, and sniff for Daisy and she will some times great him and some times not. She has mastered the skill of playing hard to get. She's a good girl like that too.

I can't wait until the dog days of summer so I can be out on the deck with her. Not too much longer. I keep telling myself that and soon enough it will be true.

Don't Hold Your Breath

2010-03-10T21:02:00.002-05:00

That was some advice I was given today. It is good advice.

The winds of change may be blowing in my favour for the first time in a long time in regards to a situation that has been brewing for about 2 years with the ex husband. It is my hope that he will finally be held accountable to his children and their needs even though they are no longer living at home with me.

I don't expect congratulations or pats on the back for the things I do for my children. It is my privilege and honour to be blessed with the 2 wonderful daughters I have. It has been difficult at times to help them with their needs when money has been tight for me. Cute Boy and I do many things for my children and we do it because I love them (I can't speak for him) and want nothing but the best future for them and doing so when worrying about money is not easy. I created a situation where I had to get a part time job just to make ends meet and I'm okay with that for the most part. I would never list the things I've done for my children, not my story to tell, but theirs. I wouldn't change a thing though if it was that help they needed, then so be it.

Things with my financial situation may be changing. It has been a long and painful haul to get to this point. It may not happen, but I am more hopeful today than I've been in a very long time. I've spent more time on the phone with tracking, discovering, figuring and just plain never giving up on what I believe is right. Now, the person running may have run out of room to run and may very well be forced to be accountable for his responsibilities

Remember - breathe!

The Easy Run That Was Anything But

2010-03-09T20:31:00.004-05:00

I mentioned in an easier entry that my knee and ankle were bothering me from my long run on Sunday. I took Monday off as my rest day and picked up my run schedule today, or so I thought I was going to pick back up where I left off. I was to run an easy 32 minutes today and I couldn't make it outside 13 minutes. I was in such pain that I had to shut it down. My mind kept insisting I could do this, but I know my body better than that and I was not risking injury. I am in pain so I could already be dealing with a minor injury, but I'm not going to push to the point that I undo what I've done so far.

In my past life when I used to work out 6 days a week lifting weights and cardio combined, I was never granted the freedom to take many days off to heal. I can remember the day as if it were yesterday when I first aggravated my sciatic nerve. I was doing incline leg presses and I felt the snap and ache. I had to roll off the machine on to the floor and could barely pull myself upright. The humiliation of standing in the gym crying, and I mean crying, it was just like yesterday. I dried up the tears and finished the workout. It was what was expected of me, so I did it. No more. I am more in tuned to my body and it's cries for help. It took what seemed like forever for my sciatic nerve to stop bothering me. I had a similar situation with my right shoulder, but not the tears in the gym and not near the excruciating pain.

I am trying to listen to my body, but not be a wimp. I am trying to learn from past mistakes, and not let them control my future success. I am trying to stay positive even though my head is screaming scary thoughts at me.

LSD And A Long Winded Discussion About It

2010-03-08T13:54:00.004-05:00

My long run was planned for Saturday but I decided to reschedule it to Sunday, due to life being hectic. The weather forecast was good for both days, but living through Saturday being absolutely gorgeous I was struggling with my decision to play with my run days. I've had to do so quite a few times in the last 8 weeks, so I'm wasn't overly concerned. I've hit every run except for 2 when I was sick, but never missing 2 in one week.

Friday, I worked at my primary job 7a-3p and then my second job a midnight 10:30-6:30am. I could have fit the run in on Saturday, but want to have some time today stuff and not have an entire day consumed by sleep and a run, I opted for the fine tuning. I had a great day on Saturday, but there were many times I was internally questioning my decision. Cute Boy, getting used to my ways, when I did voice them, put a stop to that craziness right away. He made it clear to me that I made the decision and I couldn't change it and to stop beating myself up over one long run moved around. Deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here, because the decision I've made can't be undone now. See, one more reason I love him like I do.

Sunday rolls around and the weather is phenomenal! Gorgeous! Sunny! Slight breeze. Fabulous. Off I head on my run. I had cut back on one layer of clothing from previous road runs and I still found I was overdressed. I stopped and took off the long sleeve and little mittens, leaving me with a sports bra and my running coat. It was perfect. Perfect I think because I was able to warm up first. I think if I'd started out with that little clothing I'd have been too cold.

The planned time was to be 1h 38 minutes and my pokey second half took me to 1h 40 minutes. Odd, really because I felt very much in the groove on my way back. I ran the entire 6th -7th mile. Oh, that being said I'm so pissed. I messed up my Garmin information. I had it on the 2nd profile and I when I logged it in the computer it didn't transfer properly and I lost all my split times. So sad! I was able to get my total time and distance, but not all the fun little individual lap information. BOOOO!!!

My pace was/is 11:40 - YIKES! I was on the street 1h 40 minutes with a distance of 8.24 miles/13.5K. I'm getting closer to the 1/2 marathon distance every week.

The combination of feelings while on a run is out of this world crazy.

invigorated
driven
crazy
doubtful
scared
intimidated
pained
mentally strong
mentally weak
proud
nervous

That is just a few of the feelings that run through my mind on one single run. I know, having read a few books on running and Runner's World magazine, that half the battle is mental. I read on Tigerlily's blog, that a trainer said to her, just before her 1/2 Marathon, the mind will give up before the body will. I paraphrase somewhat, but you get the idea.

I'm a bit concerned because last night I was experiencing some discomfort in my right ankle and knee. Today, after sleeping from yet another part time job midnight, I don't feel the pain like I did. I'm glad for that, but will definitely keep an eye on it.

If you're still here, I applaud you for following along with my wild thoughts. Can you imagine what its like in my head?

Have a great one!

Friday Flop

2010-03-05T12:49:00.003-05:00

So, I weighed in this morning and the scale did not play nice. Okay, maybe I didn't play nice with the food intake this week. I want to blame the scale, but that would be a cop out and I know it. The only problem is that my scale gave me 3 different weights with a 3lb span in difference.

I'm not happy with the weight gain, obviously although there are good things to come out of this week. I measured my body and I'm losing inches. That is always good even though I'm still feeling thick. I'm not the best when it comes to measuring myself, but I'm pretty consistent with tape measure placement. That must count for something, right.

I have another long run planned for tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it for one reason and one reason only - it is supposed to be 10 degrees out tomorrow. That will feel like running in the tropics compared to my last two outdoor runs. I'm working 7a-3p and then 10:30-6:30a at my second job. Midnight hangover may get best of me on my long run, but I'll do what I can to be at my best mentally and physically. Short and long, okay not so much short at all, I'm going to be on the street for 98 minutes..... holy hell. How did these crazy times and distances get here so fast?

As I said, I'm not all that happy with my weigh in failure of this morning, so I'm recommitting to being more aware of the bits, licks, nibbles and straight up bites of foods. The water is being gulped and veggies consumed. I'm back and I'm on my way to losing that pesky gain from this week!

Have a great one!

February Fun

2010-03-02T12:50:00.006-05:00

Running 79.67KM
I ran a total more this month than last month which would translate to more time too. I started my 8th week and for some reason it's starting to freak me out a wee bit. Trust the training! Trust the process.

Books - 2 books
I didn't read as much this month as I did in January. I blame the Olympics. Go CANADA Go!!!!

The Christmas Cookie Club - Anne Pearlman
Dear John - Nicholas Sparks

Weight Loss - Loss .2lbs
I did just write .2lbs! That is so very sad. All that running and I've lost .2lbs. Just kidding. I'm not really running to lose weight. I'm trying to lose weight by doing WW and I'm failing miserably in that regard. It will eventually all work itself out in the end.

Stitching - 18 hours 40 minutes
My stitching is fun again. I don't feel the insane pressure to hit particular number goals like I did in my previous stitching endeavours. I stitch now for the pure joy of putting needle to thread. That is fun.

I do have a few pieces that I finished over the years that I've done nothing with. They are currently hanging on a hanger in my spare room closet. I am contemplating putting them up for sale on E-Bay and using the money towards paying down my debt.

Personal Life
Things in my life are just floating by. After my heartache of Valentine's day life has returned to the normal I know. Work work work. I don't work as much as some but more than others. I'm trying to keep my perspective in regards to figuring out how to work, figure out my finances and still find time for Cute Boy and I to spend time together. Not sure that is as important to him as it is to me, but I keep plugging away.

I miss my girls a lot. I don't see them, but talk to them pretty much daily via texting. It is more challenging spending time with them, Queenie an hour and half away and Princess just down the road, but seemingly in another city for all the time we get to spend together.

So, that concludes the summary of my month of February.

Soggy Run Edition

2010-03-01T08:37:00.003-05:00

It has taken me since Saturday to get this run entered.

It was long run Saturday AGAIN! There was snow AGAIN. There was rain AND snow. Weather wise it was not pretty. If the weather wasn't pretty, the run itself was downright ugly! Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

No excuses. I was coming off a midnight with little sleep the couple days prior to my long run. I was running with tree trunk legs. The negative mental chatter was nasty. I couldn't find a groove to save my life. I was running 1 minute walking 1 minute. I would build to 2 minutes run and then walk again. It was just all around painful.

My legs were red for at least an hour after my run. The good thing is that I can walk normal today which was not the case last week. So, are things looking up? I hope.

Lessons learned are that things are not always the way they should be on run day and you can still finish what you set out to do. 11.58K (7.24 miles) in 1 hr 27 minutes. I'll take it. It is my longest distance to date and I survived. That, right now, in my books is a victory.

Home for the Holidays - 40 hours

2010-02-28T09:43:00.005-05:00

30 hours

40 hours

It took me a bit to get to another 10 hour block. I'm back though. Still making progress on this piece. Truth be told, I'm loving that I've picked my stitching back up after about a year away. I find it really gives my life balance. Balance from the running, literally the running I am doing as well as the busy pace of my life. It feels good. Very therapeutic. If I'm lucky I just may have this piece finished in time for Christmas. No pressure though. If it happens it happens. If not, oh well.

Thanks, as always for looking.

MWAH!

Tough couple days.

2010-02-26T21:21:00.002-05:00

Tough couple days.

Cute Boy and I attended the services of his friend. I am glad that is over. How sad is that? I'm just there as support for him and I'm glad it's over! How about the poor grieving husband and her parents. The husband spoke at her services and it was heart wrenching. Her father is of ill health at home in Newfoundland and couldn't make it for the services. The husband had us all hold hands and send our strength to him. The sobbing heard throughout the room was enough to further break my heart. To see Cute Boy hurting is more than I ever want to bear, but sadly, such is life.

I really don't do well with the loss of loved ones. I've said that I only met Cute Boy's friend once. I don't think that in any way speaks about the value of the person or their impact on your life. My meeting with her was brief, but it was sweet too. It was at a happy occasion (wedding) that I met her. Her interaction with Cute Boy showed me another side of him. That is a gift, and one I will always appreciate.

The loss of Cute Boy's friend has hit me in a way I never expected. I am really struggling with my own mortality. This woman was only 49 years old. I am 40. That would be 9 years from now. Too young to die. My mother died at the age of 38 and I was 19 years old. Growing into an adult, I was always watching the years. Make it to 39 and you'll have outlived your mother. That was the goal. I've done that and I'm happy. To compare my own life to that of another, if I were to die at the age of 49 would I be happy with how I've lived my life?

Would I be happy with how I've lived my life? I'm not sure, really. Have I loved like I should? Have I made a difference? Would I have done the things I want to do? If I were to answer these questions honestly, I would answer them in the following way.

Have I loved how I should? - I think I have loved the only way I know how, with all my heart.

Have I made a difference? - I don't think so. I think I just go on, day by day doing what I think needs to be done and don't really slow down enough to make a difference.

Would I have done the things I want to do? - I've lived a good life, but have I experienced all life has to offer? I've experienced the gift of motherhood. The laughter and tears of a child. The love of another and a broken heart to boot. I've discovered a most wonderful man that I'm honoured to share my life, be it good times or tough times. I've been able to be a friend, a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, a lover, a companion, a best friend. Have I lived enough? I'm not 100% on that one yet. There is still so much I want to do, so much love I want to give.

I don't want to look back and have regrets, although I know that is impossible. I love my life. It is a great life, a life I'm blessed to live and to question my decisions is tough. I ponder this and struggle with the what if fear that Cute Boy and I run out of time. I hate feeling this way.

How sad is that? Sorry for the maudlin tone of my blog today. I'm struggling more than I realized. The fingers started typing and I let them.

Love those with all you have for you just never know what tomorrow has in store for you.

Lucky 7's

2010-02-24T14:33:00.003-05:00

I'm currently in the middle of week 7 of training for my half marathon. That blows my mind! I've learned a lot about myself in the last 7 weeks a few of the things are:

I am mentally stronger than I realize.
I am blessed with a non-needy boyfriend that allows me the freedom to do what I need to do.
I missed being physically active.
I have more time in my day than I ever thought and I'm learning to prioritize that time.
I have a purpose in this running thing and I like it.

So, enough of the lessons. On to the fun stuff!

I put on a pair of pants today that didn't fit last month. WOOHOO!!!! I'm loving that. I guess those treadmill sessions are making a difference. I'm only kidding I know they are and it feels incredible. I've lost somewhere around an 1 inch off my hips. That makes for a very happy me. I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy with the progress so far.

I hit the treadmill today for a moderate run during which time I covered 4.2K. I love watching the numbers climb on my total distance tally. This is getting more difficult in distance for my long runs, but I'm really having a lot of fun figuring it all out.

Have a great day!

One More Mile

2010-02-24T00:25:00.002-05:00

Erica, posted on my blog about a contest she is running on her blog..... omg this looks another fun blog. I'm getting myself in to a lot of trouble here lately.

Erica is running a contest for a free One More Mile t-shirt. The options available are way too many to choose only one, so I wishy washy and didn't commit. Oh, so like me.

And, just so you know I would really like to win this one too! I'm sooooo bad. Bad is the new good in case you were wondering.

Fit for a King, err Princess

2010-02-23T16:44:00.003-05:00

Being a running enthusiast now I want this so bad. Being that I want so much to be a Princess I think this is a perfect shirt for me. Don't you agree? I thought you would!

Syl, you rock just because you rock! Thanks for offering up this adorable shirt.

Heart Sad

2010-02-22T09:45:00.003-05:00

Cute Boy and I had a date night on Saturday night that started great, but didn't end that way. We went to see Classic Albums Live to see SuperTramp - Crime of the Century at the Grand Theatre. Wow! What a show. It was a birthday present for Cute Boy and it took from December until last night for us to enjoy his gift.

On our way home Cute Boy discovered a cel phone voice message. It wasn't until we were home that we were able to figure out what was going on. There was a phone message from a friend, that a mutual friend of theirs had passed away. It was a very sudden death. As much as Cute Boy is quiet, as a rule, he's even more-so today, which I completely expect.

He has been friends with this woman for quite some time. He and her had actually went on a couple dates, but nothing came of that adventure for either of them. Cute Boy can't remember how old she was, 49-51 is his best memory - way too young. My heart hurts for her husband, although I only met each of them once. When I did meet them, I was impressed with how warm and genuine she was. It was as though I'd known her much longer than a few minutes. I can't even imagine how in shock her husband must be, not to mention heartbroken. They were planning a vacation on Tuesday and now, he will be saying good-bye in the most final of ways. I just feel so sad.

There is another sadness that is surfacing and feeling it makes me feel so very selfish. It is here that I dump some of life's harder moments and thoughts. Cute Boy and I have been dating 3 years and a bit. We are both in our 40's and it is this that has me all up in my head. I'm not implying that either of us is near to death, but who knows. I never imply that our relationship is perfect, but he is, by far, the best thing that ever happened to me. It is my love of him that is so simple and easy. I worry at different times that we became a couple so late in life (not early teens or 20's), that we may run out of time. I know we all will run out of time, but our time together is so much shorter than others. We are not married, nor do I think we ever will, and I don't think that defines a relationship, although I love the idea of marriage. There is no indicator of when you're going to pass away, but I'm stuck with thoughts, that we just wont have enough time together. I've had these thoughts before, but the passing of Cute Boy's friend just makes them all the more prominent in my mind. Coming into a relationship later in life is a mixed bag of blessings and burdens. You know who you are. You know what you have to offer. You're not juvenile in your actions (hopefully) and you have made your peace with the history of relationships in your past. I'm still working on that last part. It is the blessing and the curse of knowing those things, but maybe not having the time to fully share all the love you have, for that one person that makes your life the wonderful gift it is.

Hugs xoxoxo

Survived The Streets

2010-02-21T10:48:00.002-05:00

My long run was yesterday. Time got away from me yesterday so I'm reporting in today. I think I should have posted right after my run. It would have been funny because of the runner's high, the frozen body and numb brain the censoring of my feelings would not have happened.

I woke up yesterday to snow. More than enough especially considering that I wasn't expecting snow. I know that is silly thinking. February in Ontario? I was thinking no snow? I was in denial as to the time of year. Ya, that's what it was.

I hit the street with my Garmin set, the ipod plugged in and layered up. I donned a Habs hat to keep my ears warm and off I went. I must say, perfect amount of clothing for the temperature. Ya me!

The first 20 minutes are always the toughest for me. I really struggle mentally with the magnitude of any run, short or long, until after the first 2o minutes, after that I got in to a bit of a groove. At 25 minutes it finally dawned on me, this is a LSD run, not a run that I'm fearful of being caught by a pack of rabid dogs. It was then that things REALLY started moving in the right direction.

I am very close to the city limits and could have taken my run city bound or more country bound. I chose to head out towards the open space, less traffic and prettier views. I really enjoyed being on the road and not being surrounded by the city sights and the basement surroundings while on the treadmill. There was time when I could smell the burning of wood from a wood stove, laundry being done and to see the beauty of an old dilapidated barn was wonderful. I heard my feet hitting on the crunch of small stones, a sound I love. It was a great run.

Now that I've painted the pretty picture of my run, I'll share the not so pretty of my outside run. There was nose secretions - gross I know, but so much a factor. There as the mud puddles that I tried so hard not to swim in, there was crossing the bridge and over the 401 highway - scary. Not to be forgotten the hill that leads over the 401, that I had to cross at 1h 7m of a 1h 20min. run. Not pretty either!

I came home a lovely mess to be greeted by Cute Boy and Daisy dog. That was the best part. Cute Boy was just starting his day and the coffee was brewing. After showing Cute Boy all my sweaty clothes, beeming with pride. I love those sweaty marks on my clothes. I share them like an honour badge, and to be completely honest, I shared the nose mucus on my pants too. I think all in all, it was a good run. I was wondering at times about the smarts of my decision to do this half marathon and taking it to the street, but to tell the truth, I felt so alive it's not to be believed. I loved the quiet of my thoughts even over the sounds of my ipod screaming in my ears. It was just me on the open road.

When I came to a particular spot in my return run home, I started running 15 second sprints. I read somewhere to do this to enable a strong finish. So, I'm a glutton for punishment, I did it. The point in my run that I saw Cute Boy's truck in the driveway, but still a distance from home, I couldn't find the words to tell you how proud I was of myself (not something I'll say often), but it was a sweet moment.

1h 20m, I ran 6.82mi/11.9K and felt amazing! Now if I could just figure out how to walk so that it didn't hurt quite so much. I thank each and every one of you for your support thus far.

Love Day Re-Do

2010-02-19T14:00:00.003-05:00

An update of sorts to my Valentine's Day dismay. Cute Boy came through in a big way. I came home from work yesterday to a gift (Lady Antebellum CD) and a more Cute Boy-like card. It was a beautiful card, but even more beautiful was the handwritten note inside. It made me cry. Of course it made me cry. The best part of it was that it was so unexpected and made my heart smile.

Please understand I am not making excuse nor would I ever. I sometimes expect a lot from Cute Boy and the biggest problem with those expectations is that I don't always express them to him. I walked around and sulked wounded and then in my own way, put it behind me.

The thing is, I know Cute Boy loves me. It isn't about that, really. I think the thing that really gets me is that he doesn't show me how I've grown accustomed, which doesn't make it wrong, it just makes it different. It is naive of me to that my experiences from my other life are not influencing how I react in my now life. Cute Boy is very reserved in his displays of affection and it works. This Valentine's was just different for both of us and that DIDN'T work. I know now, by his gift and card, that it was just as difficult for him as it was for me and we chose different ways to show it. Not wrong, again, just different.

I guess, what I've learned in the last couple days is that I'm a needy girlfriend. When I look back on my behaviour, there is nothing else that fits. I'm somewhat ashamed and embarrassed of my thoughts and feelings of feeling, not to mention that I'm questioning if I've over reacted. My bad.

My life is good and I never question that. My life with Cute Boy is a typical life with ups and downs, filled with laughter, way more laughter than tears. I am truly blessed and I know I would want no life other than the one I am living, with the man I'm living it. I need to work on the issues I have within my head that when things aren't just so that they are not the end of the world. I strive for balance in my work outs/eating. I need to strive for that same balance in my relationship.

Takin' It To The Street

2010-02-19T10:08:00.005-05:00

It's Friday! Could it get any better? I think not.

I weighed in this morning with a 6/10th pound loss. I'll take it since I'm 4 days late with my period. I don't know what is going on with my period, but with this funky happening I'll take the loss.

My workouts (runs) last week were good. I earned a week high of 15 points - ya me!

I have my long run (80 minutes) scheduled for tomorrow and I'm working up the courage to take this gong show on the road - literally. I've been running, now building up to 3 hours per week and I've not been on the streets once. Seeing that the 1/2 marathon is not being run on a treadmill and on the actual roadways of Ottawa, I'd best build up my street cred.

I have small confession to make. I'm scared!

Decisions, Deals and Dollars

2010-02-18T11:39:00.002-05:00

My eldest daughter has joined the gym. I may or may not have mentioned that in a previous post. I am so incredibly proud of her. I was talking to her last night about her gym going and the Yoga class she just finished. Queenie in a Yoga class - WOW!

So, not only has my beautiful daughter joined the gym, but she'd joined GoodLife. Oh, how I love GoodLife. I've had some of my most wonderful intense and successful workouts at GoodLife. After a time of cheating on GoodLife and joining Premiere, I would live without working out if Premiere were the only gym in town. It was one of the worst financial decisions I ever made. When I say that, it really means something because I've made a lot of financial mistakes in my times. Still do actually. That is what I'm weighing in my head right now, the possibility of making another financial mistake.

Queenie is able to get me a membership by signing up through her for $22.00 per month. That is insane! I pay more than that for a corporate rate offered at work. I just don't know if I would make it worth my while financially. I know I want to weight train, but would I use it enough to make it worthwhile? Am I just wanting it because I'm running more in preparation of the 1/2 marathon?

I want the arms I used to have. I want the shoulders I used to love see lift things and show wicked beautiful definition. I want the slimmer middle that was brought on by the weights I lifted and lifted with great intensity. Are all these wants enough to pay for themselves in $22.00 per month? In my head - yes. In reality - I just don't know.

Zero Tolerance

2010-02-17T14:17:00.003-05:00

Today is the start of Lent and in celebration I'm giving up Coke Zero.

I have developed quite an addiction to the Coke Zero, I have. I drink a minimum of one per day. I've been telling myself for quite some time that I have to cut back or cut out the Coke Zero an as any true addict, I kept putting it off until tomorrow. Tomorrow never seemed to come until yesterday.

Over the years I've given up Vachon Half Moons, Cappuccino from Tim Horton's, Milky Way Chocolate bars and many other things that I can't think of right now. It was always through Lent that I would break the addiction to whatever ridiculous food phase I was in. This year is going to be no different.

In other non-Lent related news, I got up and ran this morning before work. I know that is the norm for many, but not me. I got my 32 minute run in, just over 4K. I loved it. I mean I didn't love it when the alarm went off I was standing on the treadmill in what seemed like a fog, but I really did love it. 3AP's later and I felt like a million bucks. Work out done for the day and I'm so happy.

I got a work out DVD from the library. It is called Iron Yoga. I've never done a single move of Yoga in my entire life. I'm looking forward to this. When I'm in my fitness groove, I'm all about weights and balancing it with cardio, so I'm hoping this Yoga with small hand weight is right what I need.

I think that's all. Have a great day!

Run Her To The Ground (language)

2010-02-13T13:06:00.002-05:00

The craziness of what I'm attempting to do snuck up on me like a creeper in the night. I'm about ready to start my run. I've stretched. I've got the ipod in the ears. The water bottle is in it's place with a second close by. I look down at the treadmill screen that has my training program propped in front. I see 72 minutes. I hear this voice in my head say, "What were you thinking? You can't do this". It was so loud and clear. I let her chatter on for a bit and then, seriously I hear another voice in my head say, "Shut up bitch". I swear to the sky, I'm not crazy. It was the weirdest moment ever. I turned on the treadmill and I ran that bitch to the ground!

I ran for 1 hour 12 minutes and 9K later (wanted 10K), I'm done my run for the day. I ran to the serenade of Keith Urban telling me, he'd Hit the Ground Running and the Southern Voice of Tim McGraw. There was some JT Bringin' Sexy Back and some Black Eyed Peas Meeting Me Half Way. I had some rappin' Bounce along for the ride and Nelly Ridin' Wit' Me. All in all, I had great company on my run today. All the company and hotness that was streaming from my ipod drown out that negative nelly in my head.

I know this training is long from over and as much as there are times ahead of me that I will struggle and times that I will persevere through the negative chatter I am so happy to be on this journey. It's not always about the finishing time, although I want to do well with my time, it's more about what I'm learning about myself. I can stomp out the chatter, put my mind to something and do it. I'm a very driven person for the most part, but I do fall victim to not being sure I am capable. Today, I feel capable.

So, bitch, TAKE THAT!

Have a great day and be kind to those around you.

WI Update and a New Obsession

2010-02-12T19:14:00.003-05:00

I weighed in this morning with a 1lb loss. How the heck that happened I have no idea. I ended the week 53 points in the hole. I dieted on KFC and DQ ice cream cake in honour of Queenie's birthday over the past week. I was not expecting this loss, not one bit, but I will take it and be happy with the overall loss of 7lbs total since I've recommited to being accountable to my body.

I've been playing around with the idea of eating clean. I really want to, but I know I lack the commitment and the time to make it really work for me. As much as I am not embracing the clean eating entirely I'm working towards eating cleaner if not more often than not.

I spend way too much time assembling my newest food addiction so I decided to finally get smart and pre-made 5 containers. Without further adieu, my newest addiction.... overnight oats.

1/2 cup oats, 1/2 cup almond butter, 2 tbsp vanilla protein powder, half a mashed thawed banana. Yummy!

And then, a dozen hard boiled eggs that will be in the fridge for a quick pre-made snack.

I was planning on running today. I missed yesterday's run because I was working two 8 hour shifts with not enough time in between. Today's run did not happen because I'm dragging ass in a bad way. I'm sick of being sick. I've been doping up on sinus pain meds and could do without the aches in my arms and shoulders. I hope to get a good night sleep, once I finally get home at 2am. I'm loving the run now. I would have been somewhere near to 80K for the year if I could have run today. No point stressing about it now. It didn't happen. Get over it. Tomorrow is a long run 72 minutes. I hit 7.7K last week at 60 minutes so, I'm really excited to see what tomorrow's run brings.

Ta ta for now.