Friday, September 24, 2010

I've been working at getting to the gym on a regular basis. I am happy with how much I've been able to get there considering all things that have been going on lately. I think the gym has somewhat been my mental saving grace.

Thus far, I haven't really had much of a plan of attack. I've just been doing whatever I feel like doing. I decided today to change things up a bit. I decided to focus on specific body muscles. So, today was back and legs. The legs work out could have and should have been better.

Seated Rows
45lbs - 10 reps
45lbs - 10 reps
50lbs - 8 reps

Lat Pulldown
40lbs - 8 reps
45lbs - 10 reps
50lbs - 10 reps

Close Grip Seated Row
27.5K - 10 reps
27.5K - 10 reps
27.5K - 8 reps

Leg Press
70lbs - 10 reps
70lbs - 10 reps
75lbs - 12 reps

Hip Adduction
80lbs - 12 reps
85lbs - 10 reps
90lbs - 12 reps

Single Leg Glutes
60lbs - 10 reps
60lbs - 10 reps
60lbs - 10 reps

I think tomorrow I will work triceps and shoulders. I love working shoulders.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Still Off

I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm off for another month. I wasn't expecting this. I know I'm dealing with some things, but I figured he would give me a prescription and my return to work letter. No way! I asked if I was getting my letter and he looked at me like I was nuts. Okay, I feel like I'm losing it, so maybe that was me more than anything else. His belief is that I'm suffering anxiety and panic attacks, as well as being borderline depressed. Is it any wonder?!

I have a counseling service available to me through my employer, but they have been terrible this time around. I've called them 4 times and haven't had a call back. I'm not impressed. So, in telling my doctor this, he has offered to have me see a counselor from the doctor's office. It will enable better communication between him and her. That is a good thing.

I'm not 100% about the prescription right now. I took it last night and today I feel odd. I didn't sleep well last night and right now my ears are ringing something awful. I'm really not enjoying being me lately.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff! I want to talk about some good stuff!

Today is my WI day... my new day! I lost 1.7lbs this week. I would be making great progress if not for that one week I gained 3lbs. I'm really happy though. It's been a while since I've been this low and since I've had 2 back to back weeks of loss. Yaaaaaa!!! Take joy in the small things.

The one good thing about being off work is that I can get to the gym easier. I do believe once I do get back to work I will be have some sort of routine and it should work out okay too.

I have a half marathon to run in less than 2 weeks and I am nowhere near prepared. Right now, the only hope is that I don't hurt myself. I don't know why I let the adrenaline push me to join this half. I wanted the bling, I think, more than anything else. Awful. I'm just awful!

Anyway, I'm outta here to do nothing and then do more of nothing.

Love and hugs until next time!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Colour Me Green

Green isn't really my colour, but lately I seem to be wearing a lot of it.

I have so much going on in my life lately, and stuff that isn't pretty. No matter how many times I revisit the issues I can not make them any less of an ugly frightening situation than what floats in my damn head. It's not that I've manufactured the issues, I just can't escape them. The two that have created them seem to be doing fine with things, but the mother (me), not so much. I think the reason would be that I'm the adult and see the situations for what they are - life changing!

On top of all the issues I'm having with my girls, I'm struggling with jealousy in other people. I know many of you that know I want a breast augmentation think I'm crazy, but I really do want one. It's been years and I've never wavered. Not for one second have I had a doubt that this was something that I wanted. The only thing holding me back was, and always is, money. That is the heart breaker of the situation. I'm a viable candidate and I just don't have the money. When I first requested the referral to the plastic surgeon, I had the money and could have and would have had the surgery done, if not for the fact that my doctor had my incorrect mailing address 3 addresses back from the one I was living in at the time, or I could have had my surgery done and paid for a long time ago. If only the referring plastic surgeon's office had called my house to confirm it years ago, rather than wait until 3 years later to follow up. So sad.

I just read on another's blog that she is getting a breast job, tummy tuck and liposuction to compliment all the weight she has lost. Great on her for losing the weight and essentially getting rid of all the excess skin and improving her breast line as well. As I read her blog entry I cried. I cried a lot. How pathetic.

A friend I work with is getting a breast augmentation in December as well as a tummy tuck. I'm happy for her. I really am. She is a sweetheart of a woman and this will make her extremely happy. Her fiancee bought her this for her 40th birthday. How freaking sweet is that! She has her appointment December 1st I think it is. As happy as I am for her I am so sad for myself. Again, how pathetic.

People will say to me from time to time, just buy a good bra. A bra will give you the lift, the cleavage and bust line you want. That is all fine and dandy, so my chest will look good in clothing. What the hell happens when I take the bra off? Oh ya, the sagging will be down to my rib cage and stretching more it seems everyday. Lay on my back and my freaking sides have grown boobs. Lovely! I hate it.

Why is it that I have so many other more important and life changing events happening in my world and I'm sitting her crying over boobs? Pathetic! Really freaking pathetic!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Inspiration Dress

I bought this little gem when I was in hiding and healing mode at Cute Boy's sister's. I've had it for about a month now and just mustered up the gumption to share it with all of you.

Cute Boy and I have 2 weddings to attend in the month of October. I figured with the colour of this dress it would be perfect.

I feel a bit hippy in it and thicker in the middle than I normally like when wearing a dress that fits as tight as this one. I couldn't pass it up though. Chris (Cute Boy's sister) and I went shopping in Montreal at the Outlets and you know how it is when you find 'the one' piece of clothing that is a just have.

The Le Chateau outlet had some great deals. This dress was marked at $129 regular price and I paid $49.99 for it. I ended up walking away with $260 worth of clothes, and 1 kick ass purse, all for $101.00! Deals like that, for me, don't come along often, so I couldn't pass it up.

I will be pairing the dress with silver shoes. Love them, especially since my angel wing tattoo will be visible, along with a silver clutch purse.

Cute Boy and I don't find many opportunities to dress up and we are both looking forward to the occasion. It promises to be a good time, both weddings.

Off to the gym I go, so as to slim down my middle somewhat to feel a bit more confident in such a pretty little gem.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Wacky WI and Life in General

It's been awhile -again! I have the best of intentions for getting here daily and sharing some little tidbit about my day. I think I just live such a boring life, why bother.

My life right now, since I'm still not back to work, consists of the gym and that is pretty much it!

I weighed in on Wednesday (new WI day) and I've lost 2.5lbs. I'm hoping to build on that number and get it a little bit lower still. My commitment to the gym has been good. I've been more than not and that is what is important to me. I gained myself 15 Activity Points for the past week. Yaaaaa me!

Things on the home front with the girls is status quo. Neither one of them are still really talking to me unless they need something. Princess needs the address for her health card to be mailed. Drama queen is just looking for mail and such. Oh the joys of being a disposable being in the life of those you love.

Cute Boy and I are doing well. Thankfully. If I had to add a tumultuous patch to the rest of the mental garbage I'd seriously flip a lid.

I am working on finding a personal happiness and mental balance amidst all the rumblings in my head. There are moments when I can see that I truly do love my life, or moments of it anyway. That is a great thing, I know because there were times when I was so bogged down with negative thoughts and hurt that I wasn't sure life would find it's easy flow. I know things never stay the same and that this life is about evolve, learning and growing, so those feelings wouldn't be a forever thing, but when you're living it - oh boy!

I will be back later (hopefully today) with a couple pictures of something I bought that is a great push in getting me to the gym. It is a gorgeous dress I bought to wear to Cute Boy's nephew's wedding and the wedding of a couple of people we play ball with. So unlike me, to wear a dress to 2 functions. Unheard of!

Until next time! Take care and lots of love being sent your way!

Monday, September 13, 2010

On Your Mark, Get Set....


Front shot

Side Shot --- my goodness!!!

The backside - ugly ugly!!!

Since the beginning of September I have been participating in Syl's 30 day challenge that she has going on her blog and Facebook page. I've not been to the gym every day this month nor did I expect to be.

I started this challenge as way to get my motivation level up and inspire myself to want to do something more than nothing. It is a great way for me to get back to doing something for me and only me. That comes out more selfish than I would or could ever be.

I'm not back to work yet, so getting to the gym is pretty easy right now. I will be juggling and struggling more when I am back to work. As of right now, I'm not sure when that will be. I was to have a doctor's appointment today to assess the situation and see where and what happens next, but my doctor's office called early this morning to cancel the appointment. My next appointment isn't until next Tuesday now.

Sadly, my breathing issues are still front and centre. I struggle to get a full breath and have to do funky things with my mouth to get a decent breath or a full lung breath. I do a lot of sighing and it sounds like I'm always yawning or huffing in annoyance. I'm not, I'm just trying to breath. Scary crap, I tell ya! I think it's related to stress and anxiety, but a doctor I'm not so who really knows.

As for the gym, I've currently been there 9/12 days. All things considered I'm extremely impressed with that so far. I will keep working towards my goal of a healthier more fit body. Mentally, I'm a long way off, but I will keep working on that too!

Until next time, to those of you that are still out there reading - thank you!

Love and hugs!

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I Do and I Don't

I do want to do this and I don't want to do this.

I've been M.I.A. from the world in general for quite some time now. I've been on Faceboook and that is pretty much just a mind kill activity playing games.

My life has been a shit show for about 3 weeks and I'm about ready to lose my mind. I'm off work, doctor ordered stress leave, with a life that isn't getting any less stressful. I'm not sleeping and I'm eating like crap! I'm not sleeping without sleeping pills and I went to the pharmacy to get a refill and the pills I've been prescribed are on back order and have been for 2 months or more. I never took the sleeping pills often, until lately.

My doctor is on holidays and I don't have another doctor's appointment until next Monday, the Monday after the Canadian Labour day. Sorry, too lazy or tired to check a calender. I can just tell you it's too long from now. That is the sad harsh reality of my nights right now. Can you say addiction??? No really, it's not that bad. Okay, maybe it is that bad.

Some of you that read my blog have been around since before it was a blog, when it was a friendship started on a Cross Stitch Board and then it became THIS. Those of you that were around then, were around for the demise of my marriage and all that that entailed. This current life drama is worse than anything I could imagine.

I have a personal fear of certain things happening to either of my daughter's. I best explain them on a ladder scale. The top wrung being murdered, the second wrung raped and the third wrung, I'm living it. I guess the answer to the title, "I do and I don't'', is that I don't. I don't want to do this right now. I can't do this right now. I can say the words of what I'm dealing with, but as I sit here right now, I can not make myself type the words that I can say, and I've been living for weeks. I can do all that, but I can't type them here for me to have to see and relive. It's not going away and I'm not dealing any better now than I was when all this mess began.

On top of the issues with one daughter, my oldest daughter has now decided to embroil herself in this nightmare of her younger sister. She is moving out - her story = she is being kicked out. She is avoiding me and Cute Boy, specifically Cute Boy. Her story = I am lying and being immature and handling the situation incorrectly.

I'm done in a way I have never felt before in my life. The emotional gas tank has no more gas. It is running on empty, zilch, nada, finished! I think I've turned one corner in my thinking and I'm able to get back to some sort of normalcy and then BAM! Here comes another hit upside the head.

Sleep evades. The pills are gone. The tears come. The sadness sits. The questions arise. The hurts seem to fester. The doubt never ends. The fears are endless. The future is as uncertain as it ever was, but in a way so much more so than 3 weeks ago.

I am supposed to go back to work on the 7th or 8th, I'm not sure now, but I'm not 100% on that either. I don't trust myself not to blow up at a caller and say something that would endanger my position or future. I really wish it wasn't coming up to Labour Day and my doctor wasn't on holidays.

Oh well, that's the way of the world, my world right now. I don't know how much more I can take or if and when I will be able to write words that clarify the craziness right now. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Here's to hoping it's some sleep.