Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. Anyone going to wish me a happy day?
I didn't get flowers. I didn't get lingerie. I didn't get jewelry. I didn't get the divorce I so desperately want, but refuse to pay for. To be separated and still married after 4+ years is a bit ridiculous.
Anyway, Happy Anniversary to me just the same!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. Anyone going to wish me a happy day?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Daisy can be a wee bit anti-social and a lot of a sucky baby when life doesn't go her way? Hmmmm, sound like anyone you know? :)
We have neighbours now, after living here for almost a year without. The neighbours on one side have a dog. Daisy doesn't like it.
The neighbours on the other side and towards the back are outside today building a deck. Daisy doesn't like it.
She's has been pretty much 'off' all day. She is not a happy girl. She had to go outside this afternoon to do her business and she put it off to the very last minute and when she did finally go out, it was a fast doo-doo job and the whole time peeking over her shoulder to see that no one was watching. She's a shy girl too, I see.
All these things I tell you are true, but the real reason for posting pics of Daisy doo-doo is to bring some sunshine to my blog and my heart. She is such a precious little girl. I don't know how I can be so sad at times with the likes of her in my life. My little love girl, even though her heart beats for Cute Boy and not me.
If these pictures of my sweet girl don't bring a smile to my face nothing will, and hopefully to yours too.
Friday, April 23, 2010
It's 5 am , not what Jimmy Buffet meant, I don't think.
It's been one of those weeks and not a good one.
I'm currently on the couch after being woke up by snoring at 4am. Off to the couch I go and now I can't sleep. Like I said it's been one of those weeks. I can not get my mind to shut off. I just want to cry and I can't even do that! I need sleep because I work today 2-10p and then 10:30-6:30 at the part time job. Doing that can be hard enough in optimum conditions, but with little to no sleep going in, not fun.
Cute Boy and I are in a place, or rather I'm in a place. He's probably aware that things aren't great, but is oblivious to it, doesn't care enough to delve into the reason why or is just of the mind that this too shall pass. It will pass, but what scar tissue will be left in it's wake?
There are times that I am blown away by how amazing he is and there are times when I look at him with eyes that don't recognize him at all. I just can't make sense of it and that is part of what is weighing so heavy in my head and heart right now.
I have an event that I'm invited to attend. It's going to be an odd event and something I have to work through in my own head as to whether I'm attending or not. First words out of his mouth without even knowing if I was going or not were, "I'm working!" Gee thanks for the moral support. I have a certain someone that I love to bits, that I need to talk to about this particular event, before making my final decision, and once that has been done I'll make up my mind. If I do attend, I will more than likely be taking my daughter with me. Sad! I guess every relationship has a giver and a taker. No balance for me.
There was a situation this week in regards to decorating in and around the house. The comment and delivery of his message was so demeaning and crushing that I've been walking around this house in a bit of a fog. We bought this house together. It is beautiful and I don't have the freedom to decorate it. I feel as though I'm treated like a tenant (not always, but more times than not), that I have to get approval. There is no decision made on my own. I feel like a child. Not a good feeling when I'm almost 41 years old and I'm seeking approval for the simplest of things. The lump in my throat is the most painful now. I'm fighting tears, as I have been all week. I think I'm afraid to let them fall because once they begin how I get them to stop? I hate feeling this way! I know! I know! Only I can change this situation.
I was talking to my best friend Pam this week and I couldn't explain it any better than by telling her how jealous I am of her. She lives alone, and at times that is really hard and lonely for her, but I'm jealous of her ability to decorate how she wants. Her and I have pretty much the same decorating style, so when I go there I feel so at home. I look around at her space and it's gorgeous and warm. I come home and it doesn't feel like home. It feels like a house. It hurts. I don't like being jealous of others.
So, I sit here when I should be sleeping and my head just wont stop. I know I will hear from some of you and your advice will be to talk to him. Tell him how I feel. I've done that and it's the same reaction and response. Reaction: annoyance and anger. Raised voice and tone. Response: "Do what you want!" The typical response from me is shutting down and harbouring my hurts. It's a self protection mechanism. As much as I know it's not the proper way to deal with the situation, I just don't have the fight in me anymore.
So, 2 hours of a night wasted when I should be sleeping. Oh, I can hardly wait for this day to be over!
Monday, April 19, 2010
I've been relatively pain free for the last couple days, so I figured now would be as good a day as any to restart the 1/2 marathon training program.
The chicken in me came out in a big way. It was slow easy run. I ran for 25 minutes covering 3K. I'm not sitting back with my morning coffee and icing my leg. Oh, the joys of injury. I hate this so much.
My mental state going in to this was questionable yet determined and now with the injury I'm downright scared. I know it's only shin splints and they are very common. Many people train through worse. I'm not that kinda girl. I'm a worrier. I'm a nervous nelly!
I will build on this to the best of my ability. 3K is 3K and that is better than what I did last week, right?
Sunday, April 18, 2010
There are some things that are brewing around my family again. As some of you may remember, my oldest daughter moved back to Cobourg just before Christmas. Things went well for her for a while and now things are getting out of control for her again.
She has been accepted to the local college here in town. She accepted and then started to waiver in her decision. I think she's scared of being in a structured learning environment again, that and a few other things that are freaking her out. Only 2 weeks ago she wasn't going to school. Fast forward to this morning, she may be moving home in the next couple days and going to school as planned. The program will remain the same, but the end result of the education may very well take her in a direction different from what she originally planned.
This girl of mine is so full of life, but very much in search of something. I have no idea what it is she's looking for, nor does she and this search finds her restless and always on the move. It is a major concern for me when I see her struggling with finding her niche and feeling like she is moving towards a place that is going to find her where she's comfortable. I can't count the number of plans she's told me about and my response to her is always the same, 'Okay, let me know'. It has become something of joke between us now. I don't know what to do for her other than listen and to let her know I'm always her for her no matter the need.
There was a conversation this morning that has Queenie discussing moving home. As I'm composing this entry the cel phone dings a new message reading, "What day works for you this week?' That is what has been going on in my life today.
There are changes underway and when they are firm, as firm as they can be, I'll let you know.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The runners try to maintain a healthy diet. This is my effort to try and undo the damage to my heart and head when I was still in pain this morning on my run. I decided to come upstairs and try and turn the frown upside down with some good eats.The little Daisy girl in the background is good at bringing out the smiles too. She is such a little bum and I just love her to bits, although the feeling isn't so much mutual. She is a Cute Boy girl.
Nothing much on the agenda today. Mini run 8 minutes -woohoo. Not only is my leg sensitive, but my treadmill seems to be making a nasty banging noise now too! It was moved this past week with the incline up and that is a major no-no. I have to get a name of a repair guy to come have a look at it. Add that to the list of annoyances in my running world and I'm in a pissy mood!
Big baseball party on the schedule for tonight. Really looking forward to it. I love partying with my ball team. They are so fun and funny. I will be partaking in some cupcakes. I can't wait for that as much as I am looking forward to hanging out and relaxing.
I am dragging ass though, because as much as I was excited to be off all weekend, no sooner did I hit 'publish post', last night saying I was off all weekend, the phone rang calling me in for a midnight. It wasn't the best midnight I've ever worked, but it's done now.
I'm off to do a little bit more of nothing.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Was it just yesterday that I said, oh my gosh it's already Thursday? What the hell happened to Friday? Okay, not all of Friday, but Friday afternoon.
I work in an office off all women. Most of the time that isn't a bad thing. I work full time with the same person, Pam, and then the part time girls are varied. Well, I don't have to tell you how part time works. This morning the part time girl, in a word - awesome!! She is funny. She is fun. She is a good worker. What she doesn't know she tries to figure out on her own and if she can't, she'll ask you for help. Love it! Love her.
Fast forward to this afternoon, much too quickly to the afternoon I might add. The part time girl, in a word or two - ridiculously pathetic. Within in her first minute on the job I could have punched her in the throat (not really), but you get the idea. I could just about scream at her. She has no concept of what our job is. We are NOT secretaries. We are NOT babysitters. We are NOT an answering service operator!!!!! I had to work with her for just over an hour, and in that hour I was thinking thoughts that were not going to get me anywhere near the gates of heaven, but closer to the gallows of hell swallowing me whole and Satan himself happy to have me on his team! Nasty, I tell ya. Glad that is over and it's finally Friday afternoon.
Funny, but not really funny in a 'hahaha' sort of funny, how your work environment is so drastically different depending on who you're working with isn't it.
So, on to the good part of my day. It's Friday. I don't work at the part time job this weekend. I'm going to attempt to run tomorrow (5K) and then it's off to a ball party! WOOHOO good times!
I'm happy for not working at the part time job this weekend, although the money is always needed. Cute Boy is at work so I'm on my own until tomorrow afternoon when he gets home. I'm going to do some facebooking - read Farmville and then read my book on the commercials while I watch Sid the Kid even the series with the Ottawa Senators.
Oh, forgot to mention. I weighed in this morning and it was a wee teeny tiny little itty bitty loss, but I'll take it. It put me back in the 130's. Almost as high as I can go and still be in the 130's, but I'll take it - for now!
That's all the chatter I have for now.
Take care and be good to those you love!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The week has been a busy one. I woke up this morning surprised it is already Thursday. I love it.
My leg is getting better. I've been icing it, but I've yet to do any running on it. I'm a chicken poop. I'm so apprehensive about hurting myself again or having the pain, that is gone for now, will return. Fall off the horse get back on needs to be my motto for this one.
I'm all sports excited today. The Habs start their run for Mr. Stanley! I'm realistic in the fact I know it's going to be a challenge, but I'm going at this one with optimism. I never really cheered for a team until starting my relationship with Cute Boy. It was hard not to get caught up in the youth movement in Montreal, okay Carey Price is super cute too although Carey is not the goalie of choice right now. Go HABS Go!
There is a party for this weekend for my ball team. Okay, not really MY ball team because I'm not playing this year - YAAAAAA!!!! I'm all about the party though and that is all I'll say about that right now.
Bring on the Friday afternoon!!!!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
I have shin splints. I was so excited to hear that come out of his mouth. I was freaking out a little bit (a lot), that I had done something really nasty to myself, but I haven't.
He asked me some questions. Did some fondling of my leg and foot. Asked some questions. All in all it was pretty quick. 10 minutes and I have answer to my questions and concerns.
Follow the advice and I'm golden! I'm off to get an ice pack!
Thursday, April 08, 2010
I am not having a good day today.
I am scared.
I am nervous.
I am not coping well.
I am at a loss for words.
I am struggling to think I can make a difference.
I am a fraction from tears at any given moment.
I am living in denial. It's easier that way.
I am so sorry for the fear and anxiety that I can do nothing to prevent.
I am praying my little heart out.
I love you to the moon and back!
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
This is what you get when you sign up to be a member at GoodLife gyms and refer 3 friends. Notice that would be my house hardwood flooring you see in the background, so you can handily assume that this bag is in my house. Meaning - I joined the gym - AGAIN!!!!I got the bag for the sacrifice of 3 names - Pam, Mary and Laura. All I ask is that you each forgive me. You may join and then change your life, the way I hope to this time around. Then, you can thank me.
The appointment with John was a bit eye-opening in the sense that I talked with him where I am, where I used to be and how I want to get back to a place that I was happy to be with my body and how I feel about myself. It was a one point I said, "The way you feel when you walk out of that gym with a sense of power and self-worth, is the most amazing feeling and not one you can put a monetary value to." Funny, I can say it just don't do it. Well, I'm paying now, as of July 1st, so I'm doing!
I also took the plunge and paid for 3-1 hour sessions with a personal trainer. It was more than I wanted to spend, not that the 3 sessions are overly expensive, but the trainer itself, I wasn't planning on. I think the way I feel and how I question my ability to do this without the ex-husband, a personal trainer may be worth his/her weight in gold.
In talking with the consultant (John) we touched on my past success and how I was able to do certain things. He told me I have the power within myself to do those things on my own. I don't need an ex-husband (built in trainer) to get me the results I want. I did the work, so I can do it again. I know this is true. Being that I've done it before I know the work it will take to get there again, so I think sometimes, that more than anything is the biggest mental battle, that and finding the time.
Goodness gracious I've just recommitted to a gym membership. I'm happy, but concerned about the finances. That part never ends. I will just have to make it worth my while and that is the bottom line!
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
How many times have I come here saying that I'm going to do this and that? I don't blame you if you can't remember. It's my life and my statements and I can't remember either. So, you're forgiven.
I thought I would attempt to get downstairs this morning see what I could do in regards to throwing together a home work out with what equipment I have. Now, you may remember that I (we) have a Universal in the 'workout' room. Well, I tried it a couple times last summer and I can say with feeling and without hesitation, I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!! It is the most awkward and non-user friendly piece of equipment I've ever the misfortune to work on. I would be soooo happy to see that thing listed For Sale on Kijiji. No such luck yet.
Off the basement I head with an upper body work out in mind. Have to stay away from the lower body because of my leg issues. This is what I came up with for this morning. Now keep in mind I'm extremely rusty.
2 - 15 second planks
10 incline push ups
10 - 10lb single bicep curls
10 - 10lb triceps extensions
10 - 15lb squats - leg felt okay
10 - 8.5lb overhead shoulder press
This is a good start for me right now. I'm not going to spout off how I could have, should have and will do. I did and that is good enough for me for now.
Monday, April 05, 2010
If you count the fact that I'm busting out of my pants, it was a great success.
Saturday evening after Princess got off work and cleaned up we headed to Cornwall to spend the Easter holiday with Cute Boy's family.
I am telling you, this woman, bless her heart, missed her calling in not being a certified chef. I've never seen a woman cook so often and for so many people without so much as a moment's concern about getting it all done. Crazy, I tell ya. She was non stop in the kitchen and never once asked for help, oh one time, for Cute Boy to take the mashed potatoes from the stove to the crock pot to keep them warm.
Cute Boy's family is from Newfoundland, something that I love about him more and more every day. I don't find Cute Boy has much of an accent anymore, UNTIL he is with his family and there is a more obvious lilt to the end of his words. It is the cutest thing ever. I love it.
The dinner put on for us was a traditional Newfoundland fare - Jiggs Dinner. Well, I'm telling you the, this would be where my busting pants came in to play. This meal is very sodium dense it's not to be believed, but a better compilation of flavour and foods, I've never tasted. I could marinate myself in the salt beef and the turnip. My word! After this amazing meal, came the dessert, and I am so proud of myself I only had one plate, so I could really enjoy the dessert. I've been known to have 2 plates most visits, but I had seen the desert in the basement fridge, and I'm no dummy! I saved room for dessert. Dessert was homemade, melt in your mouth, strawberry cheesecake. Cute Boy's sister has found a new way to blend the ingredients in the cheesecake to make it creamier, oh the memory of it. It still makes me smile, at the thoughts of how smooth and delicious it tasted.
You would think that was the only thing going on. It wasn't. There was the wonderful time spent with Princess. That was awesome! There was the expected drama and moodiness from Cute Boy's youngest and the excuses about life's hardships from his oldest. Such a product of the mother. Great kids but a great worry for both Cute Boy and myself right now. I will not slam his kids or throw them under the bus with their decisions or chosen path,not in this forum, as much as I'm frustrated as hell right now, my only concern is that they get through this time in their life unscathed and to see that Cute Boy is okay and handles things for himself in a way that doesn't push him over the edge. That isn't normally his way, but I do worry about him A LOT and this situation is going to get much uglier before it gets anywhere near to better, if it ever does. So very sad! I know I'm going off topic of our Easter celebration, but not really since the situation with the girls was pretty much front and centre, it was different when it was my girls going through things. I was able to be in somewhat control of my situation and now to have just offer support for Cute Boy and watch him worry and hurt, it's hard. I would rather it be me than him. Not for my girls to be in a difficult spot, just me being the primary parent and carrying the majority of the worry.
All in all Easter weekend was awesome. I am now off to do a little weight training downstairs and to guzzle back more water to try and flush my body of the wonders of a Jiggs dinner. Oh so very worth it!
Saturday, April 03, 2010
I am home from a 70 minute run, 55 minutes EARLY. I've been plagued my some sort of leg issue that is so freaking painful. I started out on my run, thinking I could just loosen it up, but 1/2 mile in, I was practically in tears, so I peg-legged it home. That felt great!
A while back I had pain in my knee or so I thought it was my knee, but I honestly think it's whatever is bothering me now. I haven't run in a week and I've still been feeling this pain, so it's not sore muscles from running and all that. When I get up and walk, even a week without running, I'm sort of limping on my left leg, so I know it is something more than just running muscles. I showed Cute Boy where the pain runs through my leg and it looks to him as though it's a tendon. I am sitting here with tears just streaming down my face. I will do my best to continue training, but I really must step it back now. Not the ideal plan in planning to run my first half marathon, but what am I to do otherwise.
I will be placing a call to the doctor's office for an appointment to see if he/I can figure out what's wrong and how to fix it. The good news is my 1/2 is still 7 weeks away, so whatever is my problem, we hopefully have time to figure it out and fix it up.
For now, I'm off with my broken heart to the deck with a big bottle of beer (kidding) to drown my heartache and take some edge off the pain. I will get some ibuprofen though and just keep it pretty low key for the rest of the day.
Depressed Debby Downer signing off!
Friday, April 02, 2010
That would be my state of mind when stepping of the scale this morning, errrr, rather this afternoon.
I went to bed last night around midnight, after Cute Boy left for work. I slept in the bed, like a rock, I might add, until he got home. Off to the couch I went to lay down and slowly wake up. That was around 9:45am or so. I woke up at noon. I feel like I've wasted a great part of this wonderful day, but my body said, you sleep now! So, I did.
I waddled on down to the scale to be slapped in the face with a reading of 140lbs! That is a 2lb gain this week! AUUUUGHHH I'm not as upset as I'm leading you to believe, although I'm not happy with the scale.
My body has been through hell the last week. I've worked 2 full time jobs worth of hours in 1 week, so of course, my body is going to be bitchy about how it has been treated. I've not run since Sunday, so there was no additional calorie burn. I was up for so long on most days I was eating 2 days worth of food, as much as I tried to control what I was ingesting, it just didn't work out as well as I had hoped. Notice I said hope and not planned. There was no food planning in my week at all. That is the problem!
That was my life this past week, but it has no bearing on how my week is going to be this coming week. It can't. I can't change what last week was, so I'm moving on and forward.
The week I just worked was insane and not something I could do day in and day out. My friend Pam has lived like this for about 2 years and I do not know, for the life of me, how she does it. I can say though, with the hours I just worked and my income tax return that should be coming, I should be able to dump $1000+ on to my debt this month. I'm stoked about that. So stoked, that just writing it, I could cry. Okay, I know I'm emotional as a rule, but that is nuts! $1000+ in one month - never been done before! WOOOHOOO!!! It would be super duper exciting if MY debt wasn't sitting at somewhere near $24,000. It all starts with 1, right?
Is the money worth the lack of sleep and weight gain? I'm not sure. It is trading one stress for another? What do you think?
This 140lb arse is off to enjoy the day! Be kind to yourself and those you love.