January in review:
What a month it has been. I can hardly believe it's just over a month since Christmas. Normally in my world, January drags on and on. I think keeping myself busy has been helpful, both for my mental state and my emotional well being.
Here are some of the things I've been doing to pass the time.
Running - 50.32KM
I've logged 12 runs for the preparation of my half marathon in May. It's only MY half marathon! Ya right. There is an estimated 35,000 people over the course of the Ottawa Run weekend. When I'm not running I'm thinking about running. It has consumed me. I have a tendency to become obsessive about certain things. I see an obsession in the making. Apologies now to those that have to listen to me drone on and on about this run or that run.
Reading - 5 books
I've read 5 books this month! I'm blown away by this one. It's been so long I can't remember when I last read 5 books in a month.
Talk Me Down - Victoria Dahl
Last Gasp - Carly Cassidy
The Last Song - Nicholas Sparks
I, Alex Cross - James Patterson
Too Close To Home - Linwood Barclay
I have another book that I'm almost finished, but it will be credited to February.
Weight Loss - 6 lbs lost
I've lost 6lbs over the course of the first month. I'm pretty happy with that. I'm still in the 140's and that part bothers me, a lot. I want to get in to the 130's again. I'm most comfortable at 125-123, so for me to be in the 140's it still seems like a long way to go. I know in reality I'm more than I number, but the mental games I play with myself and my thoughts of carrying around this extra weight weighs heavier than the weight itself. 6lbs for a month is a great start and I know this as well as anyone. I am focusing more on the running right now rather than the weight loss, but the weight is never far from the front of my thoughts. Over the course of my training I'm sure I'll lose a little bit more weight, but nothing like the 125 I want to be sitting at. One meal at a time and I'll get there eventually.
Stitching - 16h 10m
Well, I've once again discovered my desire to stitch. I'm not able to find the time at home and that is okay. I stitch at work every other week when I'm working evenings. I'm too busy at home when I'm on days getting ready for the following day to sit down and put needle to thread. I find my thoughts about my stitching have really changed. It isn't so task oriented now, it's just fun again. I don't have to push myself to get it done, just enjoy the process. I had a visit from the frogs (those non-stitchers, that is when you have rip out your work) and rather than become all stressed out it was just a matter of pulling it out and starting over. That is a wonderful place to be in regards to the love I have in stitching.
I've offered my services to Velda, but I'm not sure if she'll take me up on my offer. Time will tell. Seriously, V, if you're reading I will totally do this for you. Pam said she would do one too, and you could even start it the way you stitch - she's a lefty too! Think about it, my dear.
My home life is amazing. Cute Boy and I are just grooving along. Working and doing what we can when we can when we're together. He and I are great and that is no small wonder. It is wonderful.
Our children are in various states of life and that is tough. I think, tougher for me than for him, but that stands to reason I'm a more emotional critter than Cute Boy. I struggle with the place of my girls. I know things will eventually work themselves out and the girls will be stronger for it. Living through it is another story.
All in all it's been a busy month and a good month. If this doesn't prove the point that I missed my calling as a statistician, I don't know what will.
Have a great one!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
January in review:
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I had been doing so well and now I'm just sitting here a mental and emotional mess. Some of you may be aware of some of my situations with regards to my personal life and some not so much. I'm the mother to two incredible girls, young woman really. One is 19 in just over a week and the other is 16.
Things with the girls hasn't always been easy, never more so than when their father and I split up. I don't always blame him for the wrongs that have faced us, but he has a hand in them no matter what I want to believe or say. My oldest daughter was prompted to not respect me (by him) and it worked. Our relationship took a nasty turn and I kicked her out of the house at the age of 16. I couldn't take the attitude and disrespect any longer. During that time, it was as though every time she opened her mouth it was his ignorance coming out of her mouth. I lived with the demeaning disrespectful talk when I wasn't towing the line long enough, that to hear it from the mouth of my child was more than I could bear. It has been an issue for me ever since, the kicking her out. I turned my back on my daughter in a way I despise. Our relationship has found it's way back to a place that is good -- really good. My oldest daughter still struggles through life, but is working towards a better life. I worry though. I guess I will always worry. It's what mothers (parents) do.
My youngest daughter has moved out of the house Cute Boy and I share. Cute Boy and Princess (youngest daughter) never connected. I take responsibility for some of it, but not all of it. They are just so different and I'm stuck in the middle. Princess moved out the end of October. Since then she has been struggling with staying different places and feeling as though she is an imposition to those that she is, or was staying with.
Just this last week, she got her own bachelorette apartment. I know in the beginning she was excited, but now the shine has worn off and already the loneliness has set it. I've had a few text messages from her and it is evident that she is sad and lonely. I hate it so much that she feels that she can't live here with me and Cute Boy. Not really me, but with him; that she feels she's not comfortable. It breaks my heart to hear the drop in her voice, even the tone of her texts are sad. I don't talk to her about moving home, nor will I. I lived through that with Queenie (oldest daughter) and I was broken hearted every time she said no. Princess always has a home with us, but she chooses this path and I, as her mother, as much as I don't like it, can't do much to change it. So, nothing is what I do. Feels great - read very sarcastically!
I sit back and I watch and do what I can to help when I'm able. It is never enough. I feel like a failure in not being a better parent. I'm not looking for sympathy or platitudes, please understand that. This is just so difficult to think of my daughters out there in the world on their own, before they are ready. It is like they are playing dress up and sometimes, like now, I just want to scream and cry and shut out the hurt that is rolling around in my head and heart.
I guess the distraction of training for a half marathon and trying to get back to the things I like to do to pass my time, is only going to stop the thoughts and hurt for a short time. It's like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It will not fix the problem. That much is becoming glaringly evident.
Dragging my ass to bed to put what was an otherwise good day, behind me. I hope I wake up with a better outlook than the one I'm saying good night with, because already, this Debbie-downer attitude is pissing me off! I wish I could snap my fingers and my girls would be grown and I would know that things turned out alright for them and all this stuff they are dealing with now didn't do detrimental damage to them. Oh, to live the life of a fairy tale princess.
Until next time....
Friday, January 29, 2010
- Visited Velda today. Awwww, sweet visits with those you love.
- Weight loss this week .8lbs. Was expecting better, but I'll take it!
- Feeling great mentally and physically
- Princess is all moved in to her little bacholerette pad. Cute place, but the mental issues I have with this are tough
- Love the fact that I look forward to working out again.
- Can't wait to play with my Garmin on the treadmill tomorrow
- Queenie is finally getting some calls for interviews. She's been trying, without success, until today. Wearing the biggest grin for her right now.
- Today is Friday, so it's Starbuck's day at work. Sweet. Sweet. Sweet.
- Having the best time stitching and reading.
- I like being me again!
Posted by Tammy Smart at 3:50 PM
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I finally feel as though I'm back to being me to some extent. I'm stitching. I'm running. I'm eating better. I'm reading. I'm doing the things I used to do that always put a smile on my face. Now, if I could only get another 2 or 3 hours in the day to do it ALL I'd be on top of the world!
Thanks for looking and for any and all comments that come my way.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I didn't want to run today. Oh, how I didn't want to run. I woke up tired this morning. I know that doesn't really make sense, but that is how I felt. Tired. I had my almond milk oats, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!, and my coffee after which I headed down to the treadmill. I looked at it and I didn't like what I saw. No matter. The work was scheduled, so the work out would be done.
I got down on the floor and stretched out. On to the beast I climbed. I know you'll probably be surprised when I tell you this, because I was surprised and I lived it. I had a great run! Strangely enough, probably the best run I've had yet. I pushed out 3.8K in 30 minutes. I played with the speed and I was only supposed to do 3:1's, but sometimes I did 4:1's. I'm a rebel like that. It felt amazing! I had sweat on my elbows at about 10-15 minutes in. I had it on my chest too, but at a later time in my run. I thought it was my ipod cord hitting my neck. I giggled a little when I realized it was sweat. Gross, I know, but I love to sweat when I work out! It makes me feel so hard core!
I've said it before and I since I thought it was an amazing thought then I figure it will still be amazing. This working out/running with a purpose is the best thing. It is also the best thing I could have done for myself.
Wednesday is an off day. Off day from training, but still a busy day. I am helping my youngest daughter (16 -GASP) move in to her own place. All I can say, is I'm glad that I have the distraction of training for this half marathon to take my mind off my worries about Princess. 16 years old moving in to her own bachelor apartment. Good grief!
Have a great day. Be kind to the ones you love.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I'm feeling much better today, although I'm not going to overdo it. I have my energy back and I want to keep it that way, so I'm keeping it pretty low key for the rest of the day.
I just got off the treadmill from a 42 minute run 5.2K (3.25 miles). I'm pretty happy with that distance in that amount of time. It's really funny how I look forward to getting the the treadmill for my pre-planned runs. When I was just getting on there to try and lose weight and get back to a place that I liked the look and feel of my body, I would come up with every excuse known to mankind as to why not to get on the treadmill. Now, I'm looking forward to it, really looking forward to it. I guess I'm a goal oriented girl after all. Knowing that I'm working towards and end result is what I've needed all along. Okay, I've always known that I'm a goal oriented girl! I was just clarifying for those of you that may not be aware.
The only apprehension right now, is that this particular 1/2 marathon, as with any, it is run on the street. I think I'm a shitty street runner.A shitty street runner and that's not accounting for how my GI tract reacts on long runs.... no you don't want to know about that. Trust me!!! I started on the treadmill. I love the treadmill. Enough of those hissing boo's I can hear from some of you. The street intimidates me. I think that right there is reason enough to look forward to the street so I can kick it's ass! How about that?
I've pretty much made up my mind that I'm going to buy a Garmin. Costco has the Garmin 305 for just under $200 and in my hate of street running this little toy may be a fun addition to an otherwise painful endeavour. Good idea?? Other than the Garmin, I think all I need is a new pair of shoes. I'm going to hit up the Running Room and have the knowledgeable staff there fit me for a good pair of shoes. I'm going to do some deep breathing exercises beforehand so as not so keel over from sticker shock! I'll be working a part time job just to buy shoes and fancy running watches. Will I ever learn?
Anyway, I'm off to make some lunch and cherish the fact that my running is done for today. Oh ya, and tomorrow is an off day. Yaaaa for off days!! The sense of accomplishment is incredible and the distances aren't even crazy yet. How are you going to put up with me when they are crazy? Sorry!
Have a great day, all my friend that live inside my computer, and those of you that comment that live outside of it too.... you know who you are..... MWAH
Friday, January 22, 2010
So, I've been home from work since Wednesday, Thursday and today.
The last bit of exercise I've had was Tuesday night. A 30 minute run. Shouldn't have done it. I know I shouldn't have, but I was trying to fight the yuck that was brewing in me.
I'm suffering sick GI issues, headache, chills, heat flashes and just overall dragging-ass syndrome. Top all that off with the arrival of beloved monthly visitor makes for a very annoyed me.
I weighed in this morning with a gain of 1lb. Oh well! Crap happens. The only thing that really upsets me about the gain is that I was having an awesome food week right up until Tuesday. I was bang on with all eating and drinking of my water. Using only my activity points and none of my flex. I was on top of it until.... oh well. Like I said, crap happens.
Oh ya, another thing that bothers me, I missed a run yesterday. That is disappointing. I will be taking it easy today so that I can hopefully get my 42 minute run in tomorrow. I want to get moving forward in my training. You know, I actually miss it already. Isn't that just the craziest thing.
Closing out with a positive thought - I've lost 5.2lbs since the new year. I'm still happy with that. So, feeling crappy and all, I'm still trying to keep it positive.
Have a great day! Be good to you and those you love.
Monday, January 18, 2010
This would be my blogger friend, Tigerlily. She just ran her very first half marathon. Go show her blogger loves...she deserves it!
I've been following her progression as she moved through the training process and filled her pretty little full of doubts. I had every faith she would be successful, but as she was told, the mind will give up long before the body. She did! I, for one, couldn't be prouder of her.
Now, scoot on over to her blog and send up some celebratory lovin'.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Weigh in this morning was a smashing success. The scale showed me down a whopping 3.6lbs. That is crazy. I don't know when I last saw a loss of 3+ pounds. I am over the moon. Really, so excited.
You know, a little running on the treadmill and being conscientious of the food intake will definitely make a difference on the scale. The scale is one thing. The difference in my mindset is what astounds me most of all.
Today is a running rest day, so I have nothing much to report on that front.
Here's a little fun I had with numbers this week -
I think I've found some balance in my life. I couldn't be happier than I am this very minute in regards to my mental state and how my body feels and more importantly where I'm headed. WOW!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
That is what my fingers did tonight while registering for the Ottawa Half Marathon. I just registered for a HALF MARATHON!!!!! OMG!!!! I can't believe this is actually happening.
All but one girl is registered. That was a moment, entering my information. OMG!!!!! I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I never in a million years would have dreamed this would be something I would do. Not to mention, doing the actual run by myself. No one there to hold my hand. No one there to push me mentally or physically. Just me on the road with my ipod and my thoughts. It's the thoughts part that scares me.
I am not saying for one minute this will be a solitary journey because it wont be. Not at all. I have the girls that are taking the trip with me, but the list doesn't stop there. There are my friends, each of you that will listen to my stories as I prepare. There is Bre who has so graciously offered to share her basket of knowledge to help and prepare me for this journey. Those of you that will ask about my crappy left calf muscle - stupid thing, and offer ways of keeping it from hurting. Those that will give advice from your own training experiences. There is Krista that has offered to train with me which, I love and when the weather gets better, I'll take. I'm a fair weather outside runner. No way do I want to run outside in January. Yes, I'm a wimp. There is Cute Boy that has already had to listen to more preparation talk, running talk than any human should have to suffer though, as well having to witness the tears I shed when I first vocalized my desire to undertake this challenge.
I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm hopeful. I'm freaking out! OMG I can't believe this is actually happening!!!!!
This may be something I'm doing on my own while on the road, but in no way am I doing it without the support of each and everyone of you!
Thank you so very much.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
This would be the stocking I am stitching for myself. I have recently picked up a needle again and am excited to say I've hit a 10 hour block. This stitching Passion, Obsession or Insanity used to be the main focus of my blog, but as of late, not so much. I'm trying to remedy that and find some balance with all things I love.
Stitching is something I love, but don't do very often. I don't find there is much of a place for it in my home, in my life and thats tough. All the time away from it, I've missed and now would probably be classed as a slow stitcher, but thats okay. I'm stitching, and really, that feels amazing. I have stocking already done for Princess, yet to find one for Queenie and am making small progress on mine. I would love to do one for Cute Boy and each of his girls, but we'll see. First things first. Work on mine.
I have a small confession to make in regards to this piece though. I put the first stitch in this piece January 1, 2007. 3 years to get 10 hours completed. That is the insanity of the situation.
Happy stitching days to you.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My run today was fun. It wasn't easy for whatever reason, but it was fun. Getting on the treadmill with a purpose and goal in mind really changes the way I look at this adventure, and what an adventure it is going to be.
I was singing away and killing every song that popped up on my ipod. I have to break the habit of singing while I run or I'm going to get myself a beat down in the city of Ottawa. I can just see me now I'll be running by myself because those in front of me will be horrified by the gawd awful sound coming up behind they will part like the Red Sea. Take a minute to visualize it. Ugly. Now take another minute to compose yourself and read on.
The plan today was 30 minutes at a moderate level of intensity. I covered 3.5KM (2.2 miles) in that time. I don't have a benchmark for comparison, so I'm saying that was good. I don't really know though. I am suffering some leg pain in my left calf area. Always my left side if I'm going to feel any discomfort it will 99.9% of the time be on my left side. Tomorrow is my rest day. Is it bad that even this early on in the preparation of this I'm excited for a rest day.
I was thinking about the singing while I was running and I think the reason I do that is so I can drown out any of the negative chatter, that is until the negative chatter hits a high pitch squeal and overtakes the singing. I can still run on oblivious for a bit because I've often confused the negative chatter with singing, so really it's a win win situation all around.
Have a great day. Be kind to yourself
Monday, January 11, 2010
I officially started training for my half marathon today. I ran an easy 24 minutes with a 30 minute run planned for tomorrow.
I was on the treadmill today, at an 'off' time for me. I'm a relatively early morning worker outer, but today life didn't play that way. It felt great to be working towards a goal and not just on the treadmill to offset a bad food choice or fit in to a smaller sized pair of jeans. Those things will still present themselves from time to time, but not today. Today was about starting my training to run a half marathon. It was positive mental chatter knowing that I had a major goal to work towards. Funny how the games in your head can be of service sometimes. I still sometimes shake my head at myself over this one.
Where did the desire to do this come from, you ask? Okay, I know you didn't ask, but I'm telling ya. Me throwing this out as an idea of something I would like to do one day while in conversation with Pam and her jumping at the idea that this would be a good thing for me to do. It was about me keeping busy with both girls gone and fighting a depression. I've experienced depressions (2 or 3) and I don't want to suffer another. Funny thing really, I've not suffered a depression since I've started working out. Makes sense if you think about it.
I ran 24 minutes at an easy pace covering 1.7 miles (2.7KM) doing 3 and 1 intervals. It felt incredible. I can't believe I'm really doing this. I am though!
The plans for the race weekend have been discussed and it looks as though there will be 4 of us on a roadtrip to Ottawa. Should be good times. What am I saying, should be, it will be. I'm just waiting on confirmation from 2 of the girls to make sure they can get the things figured out in the family obligations and another that she can get time off from work.
One thing I know for certain, the colour of shirt I will be wearing will be red. Is that silly or what?
To steal a quote from my Lululemon bag, "Do one thing a day that scares you."
When I posted my blog entry Friday past about Tosca Reno I had the brainstorm of doing a weekly Motivational Monday post. It's Monday!
I am surrounded by so many people that inspire me to be a better person and live a better healthier life. So, here goes - this week's Motivational Monday post belongs to none other than Bre.
Bre is one of the coolest people I've NEVER met. I've never met her, yet I don't hesitate a second when referring to her as a friend. She is one of a positive disposition and one of the most incredible inspiring people. She has recently lost 100.3lbs by living a healthier life and making a change in her day to day activities and her food choices. I'm so proud of her. Go on over and give her some blog lovin'. You'll not regret the decision to spend a little time on her blog.
You're awesome, sweetie!
Friday, January 08, 2010
There are a couple of enhancements that I would covet as well, but it's really the attitude, approach and outlook I admire most.
Again, have a great day!
This beast is going to be taking up residence in the driveway as of early this evening. Cute Boy has decided no more messing around.
Cute Boy has wanted this truck for as long as I've known him and he's gettin' 'er today. I couldn't be happier for him. I couldn't be happier it's not me making the payments or gassing it up to be honest. Just kidding, okay maybe I'm a little bit serious. It makes me happy to know that he's going to be so happy with his truck.
I'm told I can drive it and not in the way that it sounds, as though I'm allowed to drive it. You know what I mean, right! Can you see me driving this truck? Keep in mind I'm 5' 2" on a tall day. Imagine it! It makes me chuckle just thinking of it. She sure is a pretty truck though and it would be pretty hot to be driving such a growling piece of machinery.
Wonders never cease.
My WI this morning down 2.4lbs! When you work the program the program works! Funny how that happens isn't it.
Cocky I'm not. I've been here before. I had a great week. I felt great. I ate well. I didn't over indulge, but didn't deny myself things either. It was a good balance. You can't ask for more than that when trying to eat and live and still lose weight. I feel good! I will enjoy it while I can.
Off to start another week with exciting things on the horizon.
Have a great day. Be kind to yourself.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Isn't it funny how some days you get up and you just feel great? That is how I feel today. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do, but I'll take it. I have a couple ideas as to what might be the reason for feeling how I do though.
I visited Velda yesterday. In all that she has been dealing with lately I'm amazed at her outlook, attitude and overall approach to life. I could never put to words what her friendship has meant to me over the years and still means to me. I question who really gets the most out of our friendship and I have to say it's me. Hands down, me. I go visit her because I think she needs me and I tell you, I need her. I'm not in an emotionally need place, but just spending time with her talking and being together is just the most precious gift. V, I know you're reading and not always commenting, so know - I love you!
Another contributing factor to my mood today is that I'm spending time with Princess tonight. It has been awfully tough with her not living at home. I miss her greatly and as much that is expected it's still tough to not see her every day. It will do my heart good to see her pretty little face tonight and to hear her beautiful laughter. There is something about that girl and her honest to goodness laughter. It is the most wonderful sound.
Cute Boy and are I just skating along and doing well. That is not to say we don't have issues. Who doesn't? We are just so better at dealing with them. When we disagree now, I just slough it off and deal with it. It is no longer the end of the world, the end of our relationship or something that sets me in to a total tailspin. That is part and parcel to the counselling and learning about how we work together and communicate. Ya us! Ya me! It doesn't hurt either that Cute Boy is just too darn cute! If I could package up his smile and keep it in my pocket I seriously would. How creepy is that?
And, last, but certainly not least and probably one of the biggest contributors to the mood and feeling I have right now. I've been 6 days on WW plan and I ran one day this week. I know one day on the treadmill is not enough and no where near what I need to be doing to get ready for a half marathon. Mentally, knowing I have a plan and I'm working towards putting it in motion (literally and figuratively) has done wonders for my mindset already. My attitude can only be attributed to feeling in control which hasn't happened for me in what seems like ages. I am the maker of my own success and failure, and right now that is the best feeling in the world!
Have a great day! Do something today that will make you feel amazing. You deserve it!
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Trying to be more accountable to my blog and legions of fans, I am making an effort to post more regularly. Legions of fans! I'm so funny.
Once I really start training for this half marathon, I will probably bore to you bits with the details of my aches, pains, failures and successes. Until then, I'll just bore to bits with the everyday happenings in my world.
Life is finally back to normal now that the holidays are over. Well, as normal as normal is in my life. All signs of Christmas are removed from the house and packed away for the next 11 months. It is such fun to decorate, but not so much putting it all away. I'm loving how clean the house feels again. The house feels clean until Daisy the dink dog runs in the house with snow covered paws. Little monster!
I finally got in my first treadmill run of the year. Yaaaaa!!! It was great to get my legs moving again. I pushed out a 4K run in just over 30 minutes. I'm moving in the right direction and that feels great.
Isn't it funny when you're putting forth the effort to work out, run or whatever your passion for fitness, your eating will follow suit. Nothing I hate more than working out and then putting crap in my mouth. I find when I'm working out, as much as I struggle to find the time, that life just takes on an easier, more laid back flow. Maybe there is something to that endorphin thing, eh?
Are you bored yet???
Have a great one!