Where do I begin?
My friend is still in the hospital. There have been tests and now we wait for the results.
I've been in to visit her every day and I will continue to do so. She is looking much better than when I first saw her. Outside appearances are one thing, it's the goings on inside her that are causing me great concern. Whatever the path, we will meet and we will conquer! Please, keep her in your prayers and thoughts!
I've completed all of my own medical tests. I went for an E.C.G last week and my stress test yesterday. Oh, the stress test was soooo much fun - NOT!!!! I had to strip from my waist up. There were a bunch of electrode probe things stuck to my upper body. They technician took my resting heart rate and such. Onto the treadmill I climbed and then I walked for 2 minutes at one level of speed and incline, to be increased every 2 minutes. It was interesting to watch all the numbers. I'm a stats kinda girl, so this part was fun. The not so fun part, was the breath in, breath out part of the picture taking to see my heart activity. That little scanner poking in to my ribs while I was breathing in and out was like the reverse of pregnancy with a foot in the rib sorta feel.
I don't talk about it much on here, but I'm estranged from my father. I'm not giving him an excuse in any of this because he is an adult that can make his own decisions, but a lot of our issues stem from his wife (not my mother). Well, anyway, while on the treadmill, the technician started talking to me about family and for some reason she asked me about my dad. In conversation the topic of his wife and my dislike of her came up. After the testing was complete she indicated that when she was talking to me about my dad's wife, my heart rate increased quite a bit. I've always said the woman stresses me out and now I have documented proof! Hmmph!
I interviewed for a job at a different hospital for the same type of job I do now. I heard back yesterday afternoon that I got the job! I'm of two minds here. I know I need to work another job to pay down my current debt load, but I'm not sure how much I can do as far as availability goes to make an actual difference, for the department and for myself. I guess I will have to keep an open mind and see how it all works out.
I played a new organized sport last night! A good group of people from my ball team have joined a recreational volleyball team. OMG was it ever fun. I will only be able to make the games every other week and that is major bummer. I want to flip all my Monday evening shifts to day shifts now. How bad is that? Oh, check out out name - Ball Busters. Cute, eh! We played 3 games last night and won 2 of them! Good times!!!!!
I think that's all I've got to share for the moment. Tomorrow Cute Boy and I are on our way to pick up Queenie (new readers - this is my oldest daughter). I'm so excited. I've not seen her since the beginning of August and hugs are long overdue! WOOHOO!!!! My oldest baby is coming home and I couldn't be more excited!!!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Where do I begin?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The urge to cry is huge.
A very good friend of mine is in the hospital. I have no idea what is wrong, just that according to her husband "please pray, she's in the hospital and is very sick". Okay, I am crying now. Just typing the words and saying them in my head is enough to scare the bejesus out of me.
There are many people that come in to your life for reasons you don't know until a much later date. This woman would be one of those people. She means the world to me. I love her like a sister I never had.
I unexpectedly popped in to visit her yesterday. It was only just under an hour. She was complaining of not feeling well. She was having an issue with a medication so we thought that might be it. Now, I don't know. I'm not doing the whole guilt thing because this isn't about me, but what if we talked about something other than what we did? Would her and I have realized something else was going on? Something serious apparently.
I'm just rambling on and I know I am, because I am scared. If I'm scared, I can only imagine how she is feeling.
You will read this blog one day, I know you will, because that is what you do. I love you! From my heart to yours, get better. Sending you the gentlest of hugs!
Friday, September 25, 2009
I'm tired, so in respect of that I'm doing this to the point. Literally, to the point. It's good, bad and ugly, but not in the way you normally find it listed in the blog world.
- I'm grumpy
- I'm tired and I need sleep or someone isgetting hurt smack down style
- Lovin' me the Yankees. Nothing new there
- I'm burnt out and life isn't even hectic yet
- Looking forward to Sunday to sleep in without the noise of construction outside my bedroom window
- My diet sucks
- I love my life
- I need some 'me' time
- I am extremely excited about the CIBC Run for the Cure
- I am extremely pissed at the site because I can't get on to check my team's fundraising
- I love my team!
- I miss my time with the treadmill
- I've done some light leg work outs here at work most nights this week
- My quads are calling me nasty names....that's not nice
- Loving the fact that Jimmie won the pole for this weekend's Nascar race
- I love a wonderful man and I am so blessed that he loves me too
- I have found amazing people to share in my blog life. Really, my real life
- I am addicted to Mafia Wars on Facebook
- I am so excited to have both my daughters under one roof again
- I am so apprehensive to have both my daughters under one roof again
- I have not done enough to prepare for my daughter coming home on Wednesday
- I am so incredibly proud of both my daughters and their mature decision making as of late
- I think my dog is the cutest little critter
- I don't think my dog is the cutest little critter when she gets more bed space than I do
I think that pretty much sums up my head space as of this very minute. I was grumpy when I started this entry. Not so much grumpy now. It really is a wonderful way to clear the mind, to get things on paper or computer screen, if you will.
Thank you for always being here! You're an awesome bunch!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Well, isn't that something! A stitching picture on a blog that started as a place to share my love of cross stitch. Please excuse the quality of the picture. It was taken with my cel phone. Not the best quality, but you get the idea. .
It has been ages since I've stitched and even longer since I've been able to share a picture update with you. I don't know what has sparked the desire this week. I'll take it though and go with it as long as it lasts.
It was 2 years ago this month that I started this piece. I never imagined it would take me this long to finish it. Hmph! What do I mean finish it? I'm nowhere near to finished! It's not that big a piece. I've about 11 other pieces on the go, not that they have occupied my time in anyway. I've just had no time and worse than that, no desire to stitch.
This piece is being stitched as a retirement gift for a girl here in my office. It is a retirement that is far off in years, but may not be in all actuality. The woman's health is not good AT ALL, and as it appears to me from time to time, she could be out and gone from the office as soon as tomorrow. It may sound as though I'm overreacting, but that is really how it appears to me.
Hopefully it doesn't take me another 5 months to be back with an update. May not be on this piece, but something. Let's hope.
Thanks for looking.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I've been sitting on some information for a few days while I waited for things around me to unfold. The things I've been waiting on have fallen in to place and are in such a way that I can now share with you what has been going on. You just never know who could be reading your blog, so I kept things quiet until I knew for certain that things were done and not going to negatively affect the people involved.
I got a phone call from my oldest daughter (Queenie) on Saturday afternoon. She was extremely upset about things that have been going on in her world and how they are affecting her desire to move forward in an effort to make a better life for herself. After talking to her for about 10 minutes, she told me she wanted to come home. I thought she meant come home to the city, not my (our) house, but that is exactly what she meant. Factor in Cute Boy and a sister that has been the only child in the house for quite some time, this is a huge life change for everyone! It has been 2.5 years since she has lived under my roof and with me parenting her.
There are things she has experienced that I will probably never understand, nor would I want to to be completely honest with you. I'm keeping an open mind and doing everything within my power to make this as smooth a transition for all parties. There will be growing pains, of course, but I'm hopeful that things will work out okay.
I have spent and inordinate amount of time on the phone (major dislike of mine) coordinating with the high school here to see that they will accept her as a student again. The Vice Principal has been incredible to deal with. Queenie has been in an independent study school, in the city she lives, for about a year now. She has been accountable to herself and her studies. No one there making her get up and go to school. No one to care that she is getting her work done (Teachers, yes. Parent, no) In the past week the counsellors and teachers at her current school have enabled her to get her final compulsory credit and filed the appropriate paperwork for her to get her work experience credits. If things work out the way they are supposed to she should have all her credits by the end of first semester (January) and graduate in time for college this fall. That would put her only one year behind her intended graduating class. I'm optimistic that Queenie will make the most of this second, third or fourth chance. It's been a few second chances.
I've been in communication with Cute Boy's niece about her helping Queenie get a job at Montana's. Queenie has worked her way up in East Side Marios and is currently a waitress and wants to continue with that here. Keeping my fingers crossed for her.
Cute Boy has been amazing through all of the communicating. It is awe inspiring what can be accomplished when two people work together and communicate with how they feel in a certain situation and what their expectations are. I'm glad for his support and understanding. As hard as this may be, he's rallied behind me and is in complete agreement that the best place for Queenie is with us. Just typing that sentence has tears in my eyes.
There are bedrooms and dressers to be moved around. Furniture to be packed and moved from 1.5 hours away to our house. Cute Boy and I are hitting the road on Wednesday of this week to undertake the daunting task of packing up my baby and bringing her home. It will be bittersweet because of all the moving she has done, she doesn't own a lot of stuff and that is just a bit of a heart tugger for me.
I'm not delusional in the fact that I think life is going to be a bed of roses. There are certain expectations that Cute Boy and I both have for her and from Princess as well and getting them may be a challenge. I hope it is understood that as much as I am the mother, Cute Boy is an adult in the house and he is to be respected and appreciated for what he does for each of my daughters and for what he brings, as well. I think Queenie has seen enough, done more than enough and done without enough that she will appreciate the basic necessities of life such as a hot shower, rather than one lacking the heat, food in the fridge, a closet for her clothing. The list goes on.
I guess, as Cute Boy's niece said, "Never say never". I really never dreamed in a million years I would have both my daughters living with me under one roof ever again and what do ya know! In one short week, the life I know right now will be completely different.
A few good thoughts that things work out for Queenie from now until the time she's home and then when she gets home, would be greatly appreciated. Things in her current living situation could still blow up any minute and that causes me great concern.
That, my dear readers is the news from my house to yours!
Hugs and love!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Life was pretty quiet around here today.
Cute Boy and I lounged in bed until 11am this morning. After nights of 5 hours sleep more often than not this past week and 5am wake up calls, this was a small slice of heaven.
I've been hitting the treadmill this week. Today's run was crap, but the rest of the week I felt incredible. I think my motivation may have found it's way home. WOOHOO for me. I also lifted some weights today. The first time in so long, I don't actually remember the previous session. The big work out news is that this week I've been on the treadmill 5 of 7 days for a total run distance of 15K. I'm really happy with that!
I ran today and didn't have much in the tank. Lead legs would be the best description. I'll take the 2K I did and be happy with the effort. It's not about moving mountains, but one small stone at a time. How did I get so 'okay' with just making an effort to better myself. I used to push to the point of exhaustion, which isn't a bad thing, but sometimes to the point of obsession. I'm so much more at peace with just doing what I can, when I can.
There is other news developing in my house that will really change how life is around here. I'm not 100% if it will or will not happen at this point, but keeping my mind open to :ll possibilities. I hope and pray for the best outcome and if that is to be, the change will be happening and happening in the very near future. When things are concrete one way or another I'll update. Until an update, please send positive thoughts. Life could get very interesting!
Happy healthy days to each of you.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I had my doctor's appointment yesterday to have a peek see in to what may have caused my issues of Sunday past. I'm really not all that concerned right now or prior to the appointment. Mind you, when I was suffering the pain I was scared to death.
The doctor asked me a bunch of questions, of course. I was a little taken aback my his approach to things. He gave me my options of yes or no, giving me the control to say whether or not I wanted to follow this situation up or let drop and see what happens. I found that very odd. Not in a way odd that I don't like my doctor sorta thing, but odd that I'm not educated to know what I should or shouldn't push. I told him I'm not educated enough to know and don't want to waste the time of the health care professionals, money and whatnot, especially if I'm just over reacting to something that was a fluke type thing. It was then that he said it was his opinion that it wouldn't hurt to take this just a bit further, just to be safe. Okay then.
I have a requisition for an Echo cardiogram that I can do when I'm able. It's a walk in service. I will also be getting a call for a cardiac stress test. I'm not overly concerned now that I've had some time to distance myself from my fears of Sunday. The Echo will be able to give the doctor other health issue indicators if there are any and I'm happy for that much anyway.
That's all I have on the medical front and I think that is more than enough for now.
Thanks for caring. Thanks for reading.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 7:17 AM
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
What a wake up call! This last week for me has been nothing short of eye opening.
I know for a while now, too long really, I've been needing to find my way back to a healthier lifestyle and better food choices. I've been hitting the treadmill every other day since Labour Day. The timing couldn't have been better.
I'm on the early shift this week and it's a killer week. I am not friends with an alarm that demands your attention at 5am, especially when the night before my head didn't hit the pillow a minute before midnight. Add to that being woke up at 2:30am and still being awake at 3:30a... oh how I. LOVE. MY. LIFE. Not last night I didn't.
The early mornings and the fact that others are still sleeping at 5am, I always lay my clothing out the night before. I did so last night just like any other night. Fast forward to this morning, and I mean really fast forward! I got dressed in my laid out clothing. If getting dressed means shimmying my expanded hips and arse into a pair of jeans that fit great as of the beginning of the year, then that is what I did. I'm hoping up and down into these jeans, hoofing on the belt loops. I know this is a bad thing from past experience, when SNAP!!!, the belt loop gives and tears from the fabric! That was an awesome moment. I could have cried, but sadly I didn't have time to cry. I had to go search for a sweater (translate - muffin top coverage for the spillage over my jeans).... oh again - I. LOVE. MY. LIFE. Actually, this isn't really about my life, but my lifestyle!
It all begins today. It will begin again tomorrow and the next day. You get the idea. I'm done with this stupidity and my lack of changing my life. I take the pledge to do something better for me. Today. Tomorrow. The next day.
I'm going to be moving right along with those Biggest Losers. I want to be a loser too. I used to be the driven little energizer bunny. I'm not looking for that at this point and time. My life is no where near that kind of driven passion any longer. The support system isn't what it used to be and that is okay. I need to find my way back to a movement of my body, my mind and less movement of hand to mouth, hand and mouth filled with garbage food!
Since Labour Day have hit the treadmill 5x. That is 5x more than in August. I will incorporate some weights in there. I don't have the best weight system at the moment, but I can do more than I do right now. I will put to use the Oxygen magazines I buy each month. I will do this. I'm on my way. I have to learn to start over every day and trust the process.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
This is a big day!
I'm becoming a television addict. I'm ashamed. LOL
Season finale of Big Brother is on tonight! WOOHOO Go Jordan!
Biggest Loser starts tonight. I'm really looking forward to participating along side the participants. I am participating in a Challenge. It is going to be just what I need to get my rear end moving in the right direction. A healthy direction. I'm working towards bettering my times against myself. Myself of today, not the one of 3-4 years ago. That does nothing but drive me crazy.
I've made a doctor's appointment for this Thursday. I really don't think it's something I need to be overly concerned about, but I'm not comfortable in just ignoring this particular pain either. The shooting towards my head area was more than too scary! I'll keep you posted on the doctor's thoughts and findings, if any.
I should be getting ready for work right now, so I'm keeping it short.
Have a great day!
Monday, September 14, 2009
I'm telling you. I've done my share of stupid things, but this one takes the cake.
Cute Boy and I were at home last night just hanging out. He took the dog out on the deck. I stayed in the house to start a tea. I thought I'd join in on the deck. I took the quick way out, right through the screen door. I'm so pissed off. Cute Boy handled it well, but I still am so pissed off. I think he knew how upset I was so he didn't say much of anything that would make me feel worse. Even as I type this 12 hours later, I still want to cry.
I had things on my mind when I was heading outside (no excuse), but I was 100% distracted, obviously and the next thing I know the door is crashing in front of me and I'm screaming. I scared the shit out of myself and startled Cute Boy as he's on the deck looking in to the backyard. D'uh.
My distraction comes from the way I was feeling. Last night about 7p or so Cute Boy and I left the house to go to DQ and I felt fine. Not 3 minutes in to the car ride, I started feeling really unlike myself. I had an extremely sharp pain in my chest (middle), right at point of my cleavage. The pain was shooting through to my back and along my front from the middle of my chest to my left side, up my neck to my jaw towards my head. Cute Boy has CPR training and he was on high alert while driving. I think his calm, yet high alert demeanor was extremely startling. I was really scared as much as I wasn't saying much. I was very much internalizing my thoughts and my pain at that point. The pain I described last about 10-15 minutes the first time and then came back again, but not as intense or as long. It was very unsettling to say the least.
The thoughts of what could have caused my pain would be what was in my mind as I went head first into the screen.
So, one of Cute Boy's jobs today will be to track down our window/door installer to see if we can get a replacement screen. The major problem there is that our window guy has gone out of business, but hopefully Cute Boy will be able to track him down or figure something out. Just what I need on top of already being financially concerned and stretched to the limit, is replacing the screen door.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 7:30 AM
Friday, September 11, 2009
I've been honoured with one of the most adorable awards that will make the blog world rounds. Little Buster is a little darlin'. He has the most kissable little faces ever. He's been feeling a little under the weather lately, but receiving great love and care from his mommy.
I love reading Graciela's blog. It is real. She shares with you bits of herself. The good, the bad and the messy. It's the type of blog you rarely find and one I treasure. It is the wonder of the Internet that you can feel connected to a person, and care about them, yet never have met them.
Feel free to honour those that deserve it on your own blogs. Give accolades to Buster, if you will please.
Sometimes being an adult sucks. Being responsible for your own successes and shortcomings is a pain in the ass!
Cute Boy and I have been invited to go on a cruise in just over a month with 3 other couples. As much as I would love, really really love to go, I have to say I can't afford it. The timing couldn't be worse for me right now. That's where being an adult and responsible about my mistakes comes in to play. I just can't afford it and I know it. Saying no was hard. Crying over my mistakes doesn't change anything, nor did the tears do much to alleviate my frustration either.
My weigh in this morning was crappy! I knew it would be. There was no way I was going to be able to keep off my weight lost from my sick WI edition. I partied too much and ate too much. I just started moving on Tuesday (more on that later). My weight and body images are going to be an issue for me and my focus on getting this body of mine in a place that I'm comfortable.
I applied for a part time job on Wednesday. It closes today at 1pm. I'm nervous as hell. I really want/need this job. It is casual, so the hours wont be ridiculous in amount, but when I would be working at both jobs, I will be MIA from life. The money is great and it would really go a long way towards getting rid of my debt load.
I'm trying not to spend money that I don't already have, although I have been giving my plan of attack some thought. I'm confident I will at least get an interview because the job I applied for is what I do now for a living, but with another institution. My best friend already works in this second place, permanent part time and she is going to put in a good word for me. Cross your fingers. The time away and exhaustion will be okay because it will be replacing financial stress. What is worse than financial stress? Nothing!?
I've been making friends with the treadmill this week. We hadn't been speaking to each other lately. She pissed me off and I was giving her the cold shoulder. Well, we spent a couple mornings together. I couldn't stay long. Only about 20 minutes per visit, but we were still able to cover a lot of ground together. All in all we covered about 4.1K together. It was a good start to rebuild our friendship. We are both a little tentative around each other yet, but I think with some time and some trust on both sides her and I will be fine again. It does a girls heart good to fix broken relationships.
Monday, September 07, 2009
The ball cleats that is. My year end ball tournament has come and gone. My time on the field has come to an end. I've been playing ball now for 15 years and I've decided to call it quits.
It was good while it lasted and I have made some amazing friends, but my time has come to pass. I look forward to next year, sitting on the side line with Isabelle and cheering you on. It will be odd to not be lacing up the cleats, I know. I just no longer have the desire or fire to get out there and play the game any more. I find I'm making more mistakes than not, I can't stand the feeling of failure when I don't convert a play. It is just not what it used to be for me. I put too much pressure on myself and with that I'm calling it a day.
The baseball years have been good to me. It is here that Cute Boy and I found our way to each other. I have met so many amazing people that I've not otherwise had the opportunity to meet. The memories and laughs will last a lifetime.
Missing from the photo is: Morgan and Luke. Morgie was out with a bad back (poor thing) and Luke was out of town at a wedding.
Friday, September 04, 2009
I weighed in this morning with a 2lb loss. It's been about a month since I've been out of the 140's. AUGH I guess there is something good about being sick after all.
I've always been of the mind that a weight loss plan should be about healthy eating, moving your body to burn calories, not about being sick and crappy feeling. As of late, the amount of struggling I've been doing, I'll take it anyway I can get it to be completely honest.
I'm still not 100%, but ball weekend waits for no one. I have so much to do today it's not even a little bit funny. I have to hit a grocery store again and a card shop (3 yr dating anniversary with Cute Boy on Sunday) and a few other places.
Cute boy and I are having people back to the house tonight after our first ball game. I love to entertain, so I'm really looking forward to having a house full. I'm making birthday cookie for a friend on the team. I've never done this before so wish me luck.
I may be scarce this weekend, although I really do hope to get on her at least on Sunday for a tribute to that man I love like no other.... too special a day to miss.
Have a great weekend y'all!
Thursday, September 03, 2009
I have had the most horrific week.
I've been sick since Sunday afternoon. Felt completely fine up to a point and then BAM! I feel a sinus headache and stuffy head coming on.
My week went something like this -
Monday - Went to work. Picked up some pain meds on my way home. They worked to a point. Knocked me out and made my loopy silly.
Tuesday - Went to work and played ball. Ball was great - WE WON. We NEVER win! I was starting to feel more human. I think it was the fresh air.
Wednesday - Got ready for work. Felt great. Thought it was going to be a great day. I no sooner left the house and I wasn't sure if I was going to vomit or experience anal explosion (TMI, I know) all the while feeling, hot, sweating, cold clammy. I was at work just over an hour half. Home I came to bed.
Thursday - Called in sick (hate that part) and now I'm sitting here drinking tea trying to warm up. On my way back to bed with a book and a snuggle blanket. I revert to a child when I'm sick. I'm so like a man when I do that!
Friday - holiday taken because of season ending ball tournament. Hope to feel human so as to partake in the festivities.
My week in a nutshell. I want this week to end, but I want to feel well enough to enjoy my ball party and friends. This is the culmination of a summer of ball. This party. This weekend.
Wish me well, if you will!