Thursday, November 30, 2006

Spirit of Christmas

I've been working on this piece for 2+ years now. I'm nowhere near to finished, but I'm still plugging away. I've moved this piece up in my rotation to be my focus piece. It seems to be working, but only when I can find the time to dedicate to my stitching which isn't very often anymore. If it wasn't for work I'd never get any stitching done... how pathetic is that?! So without further adieu here is my most recent progress pic ~ 90 hours (forgive not cropping or cleaning it up at all).

Monday, November 27, 2006

A Warm Safe Place


I feel like an old guitar
Lookin’ for some brand new strings
I never thought I’d get this far
Without savin’ anything…for me
Do you still have that smile for me?
And could I stay here for a while?

I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place
To feel your hand on my face
Let the past roll off of my back
Baby, let’s not talk about that
I just want to make it through the night
Lock the door and hide away
I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place

I’m too young to pack it in
And too damn old to weather this wind
The rain, it just won’t stop it seems
And I’m too stubborn to quit these dreams
But with you, I can finally find some peace
With you, come here, lay down next to me

With you, there is shelter from the storm
With you, can I just stay here in your arms?

I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place
To feel your hand on my face
Let the past roll off of my back
I don’t wanna even talk about that
I just want to make it through the night
Lock the door and hide away; hide away…
I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place

This song is going to be my undoing if I hear it one more time in a weak moment. It it is with all that is going on in my life, I want to live this song. So close, but really how close?

Taking Back My Brave

In true typical fashion I'm back with song lyrics that can say so much better what I feel than anything else. I'm scared to death of the loss I feel as I fight to maintain my strength and hold on, without snuffing out what is important to me.

The highlighted lyrics are what screamed out and caught my attention. I'm simple girl really, with simple desires and needs. I ask not for much, but maybe too much. Who knows.

Taking Back My Brave ~ Carolyn Dawn Johnson
I am from a tiny town
Where I learned how to tough it out
Where I kicked the dirt and my dreams around
To conquer the whole world
My uncle slipped me fifty bucks
Some rolled there eyes and wished me luck
Yeah I spent the first night in the cab of my truck
And I am still that girl

I like a challenge, I like to fly
I'm not always perfect, I'm not always right
When I go to weddings
It always makes me cry
My heart is fragile, and I can be hurt
I can crumble inside at the drop of a word
But I can jump off a limb
Into a river of change
I'm taking back my brave

I kinda lost it for awhile
Had to force myself to smile
I quit going that extra mile
Abandoned my belief
And I spent hours on the phone
Crawling back to my comfort zone

Then I woke up one day and said I'm not running home
It's just not like me cause…

I like a challenge, I like to fly
I'm not always perfect, I'm not always right
Newborn babies always make me cry
My heart is fragile, and I can be hurt
I can crumble inside at the drop of a word
But I can jump off a limb
Into a river of change
I'm taking back my brave

I'm my momma's only girl
The child in the middle
I've been pushing the limits
Since I was little…..yeah

I've been told I think too much and that is probably true. How do I stop it? I wish I could. I think I create more problems in my head than actually exist. I've lived in such a state of always having to be 'on' that I seem to have developed a constant state of worry.

I've had so much loss in my life (death and estrangements) I don't expect people to stick around. I expect them to walk away when the going gets tough and I see that is exactly the way it works for some. It's what I know it's what I've come to expect! I will do what I can to fight the constant questioning, live for today, embrace the time I have with those I love and if tomorrow never comes know in my heart, I loved to the best of my ability and gave nothing more than all I had to give.

With that, I'm Taking Back My Brave! I may soar, I may stumble, I may outright fall, but I will do what I can to make the most of every day! On the difficult days, of that I'm sure there will be, I will come back to this entry and try and pull the strength from it!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Turtle Time

As much as my entry from yesterday was one of trying not to let this situation with Queenie drag me down, it is doing just that.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective and believe that things will get better. They will I'm sure but from now until then will be difficult. I'm tired of the struggle and feeling I'm not getting anywhere. I've come so far, but I'm right back where I was not too long ago.

I can feel the moments of Turtle Time returning and that bothers me alot. I try to be with Princess in hopes of not letting her shut down, but she views me as the problem, so I keep my distance as does she. She is in such pain and I have to give her the space to work things through. The situation with Queenie is hitting her harder than when the separation first took place. I know this is because they had each other and now she feels alone.

I'm the adult and I should act like it, broken heart or not! I know the more Queenie pushes me away, the more I fight the turtle taking over. I keep looking at my little tattoo and try to remember the push to get out of that dark time. It was easier then than it is now. I had the girls to be strong for then and I still have Princess to push for, but with her pushing away makes it all the more challenging.

I can live with regrets and look back at the mistakes I made to get me to this point. I know there isn't much to be gained from looking back, but I do it just the same. I'm most disappointed in myself for not being a better parent when things first went awry. Being the friend not the parent... is what put me right where I am! How did I not see this happening? I didn't see it happening because I didn't want to. I was being a 'great' parent! What a joke. Now that I try to be a parent and have respect given, I see how percarious things in my house have been. When a child has another place to run when things don't go the way they want, they get to run! Knowing what I did wrong after the fact won't change what has already been done, but maybe I'll learn from this disastrous mistake and not repeat it!

Saturday, November 25, 2006


WOW!!! What a week. It has been only one week since my entry of 'A Year In The Life'. I was in such a place of peace, happiness and excitement for what tomorrow might bring. Now, in many areas of my life, I'm fearful of what tomorrow will bring! Living with a sense of fear isn't something I want to do, but who does?

I want to be motivated by what is good, not by fear. I will get strong but yet again, and face what is thrown my way. I have no choice in the matter. Things will be how things will be. I'm scared to death, but will no longer live in a place that isn't good for me. I need to know that what I do is right, even if not respected for trying to do what is right. I'm far from perfect, but I've always tried to treat others with respect, anything short of that in return is something I can not accept.

The ebb and flow of life is just that. I will ride this out with an optimistic view that tomorrow will be better. I'm still blessed with some amazing friends that support me through the drama of my life and for that, still, I'm thankful.

If a lesson is learned not all is lost. In this one, I've learned to appreciate what you have when you have it. You never know when it'll all come crashing down around you. I will cherish that kiss, the kind word, the hugs, the quiet times and not so quiet times.

Friday, November 24, 2006


I'm going in to a self imposed hiatus until things in my life settle down. I want this blog to be something of fun, thought invoking (from me), not a place of disappointing and broken hearted posts.

I'll be back, of that I'm sure! I just don't know when or in what capacity I'll return to this sweet special place.

Take care,


Thursday, November 23, 2006

Words To Live By...

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9 Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.


I've received this e-mail a few times over the years, but receiving it today it couldn't have come at a better time nor from a better 'sender'. I thank you!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


It's been quite the day! Is that anything new? Not really. There will be peace, of this I'm sure. I just need to be patient and let things play out how they may. Here is a little interesting reading. My horoscope today:

Things may be coming to a dramatic climax for you today, Tammy , and it may seem like everything is working against you. Take note that this is an excellent time for you to find balance in things and gain a much greater perspective on the nagging issues in your life. If you are trying to figure out where your heart and brain are hiding, you should look on the opposite side of the world. They are over there discussing things together.

I don't know that there is or ever will be balance in my life. Juggling is something I'm better at than balancing. See the circus analogy? My life is like that circus some days....complete and utter peace to be quickly followed by madness and heartache. Whatever it is my heart and head are discussing on the opposite side of the world, I wish they'd soon come to a conclusion because I'm going crazy here ~ seriously crazy!

I long for quiet. I long for peace. I long for a warm drink while wrapped in a warm blanket buried under the covers to block out all the thoughts. Sleep gives me no rest and the quiet is filled with a deafening roar. Running away is never the answer.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

A Year In The Life

This day is a day I've been waiting for now for some time. This day marks what was a very sad day at the time I was living it, but now looking back, a day that was inevitably going to happen. I just was never in a place that I would have thought it would be a good thing, or something I was strong enough to endure. Today is the 1 year anniversary of the final day in my marriage. It is this day, one year ago my husband and I decided to call it quits. I couldn't be happier today and that is somewhat of a gift in itself, if anything is. I will not have this entry be something of sadness, because it is anything but sadness I feel today. It isn't that I'm without emotion of now raising my children in a broken home, but with all my heart I think it is a happier home for them with only one parent that is happy, rather than two that are just going through the motions.

I dedicate this post today to the things I've learned in the last year. There are many, they are simple, they are anything but, and only a few things would I change. I will live the next year of my life with the same openness to change and life being what life is, as I did this last year. I would wake up some days in the last year and not know what was next to challenge me and with that same spirit I look forward to this coming year and everything I've yet to do, be and experience.

Things I've Learned In The Last Year

  • I'm stronger than I ever believed
  • I'm not as strong as I wish to be
  • My daughters are amazing and have taught me more about myself than most anyone
  • I dislike fighting
  • I've been blessed with the most amazing friends a person could ever have
  • I must have music in my life most every minute of every day
  • Out of heartache good can come, really heartfelt good
  • I like myself much better than I have in the past
  • I have more friends that I would have known only one year ago
  • Each day is a gift. Don't waste it.
  • Corona is one heck of a drink!
  • Corona tastes best with friends ~ Mary and Krista can attest to that!
  • Never give up. Tomorrow could be the day that changes your life
  • Laughter heals your heart better than anything else
  • Coworkers you think are just that, turn out to be more friends than ever imagined
  • Being a single parent is exhausting
  • A broken heart will heal
  • Music can and does heal most anything
  • I'm softer and think more which in turn makes me quieter ~ imagine!
  • I'm not afraid to feel for another and do so deeply
  • I can not and will not judge the now, by the sins of yesterday
  • I fight becoming bitter, annoyed at actions, but not bitter
  • I'm okay being alone, but right now I don't have to be
  • Want and need are worlds apart
  • Things I used to think important, I don't now
  • The grass always seems to need cutting
  • I will always struggle to maintain the balance between what I want and what is expected of me
  • I used to take people for granted and now work to change this
  • I hate asking for help which in turn shows weakness not strength
  • I'm thankful for everything that has put me right here right now

Hats off to the following people that have made a special difference in my surviving the last year. Not surviving in a desperate sense, but in helping me figure out myself and where I was heading when I was so overwhelmed with it all.

In no way does the order mean anything other than the way the thoughts fell out of my head.

Pam I don't know where to begin in thanking you for all you've done for me. You've done it all without expecting anything in return. You were the first one I called and you dropped it all to be there for me.... I mean dropped it all! You left your friend and family in the mall parking lot for me! I thank you, and now looking back I crack up at what I asked of you and what you gave that day. You always were and still are only a phone call away.

You have now taken this 'leave us alone' approach to the whole sordid mess of this divorce. That 'we/us', when I first read it, brought me to tears. It was that statement when I knew you were in this for the long haul. You would remember this 'anniversary' date when I would forget it.... you're too much and I'm so thankful to have you in my life. 'We' are so close to the end, but still so much to be done yet.... keep that phone line open for the call forwarding when the pressure increases. I might just take you up on that offer. Now, 'GitRDone'

Mary Sweetie, how I love you! You're one of the most amazing women I've the pleasure of calling friend. I couldn't love you more if I tried. You've been sooo good to me and good for me. You've given me some of the best advice and showed me by example what it is to be a strong independent woman. If I can come out of this learning one thing it is I'm blessed for you in my life. Taking me back to this day last year, "OMG, I'm not wearing any socks".... what the hell? Love ya, hon!

Velda Where do I begin? The support and friendship you've given are priceless gifts, of that I'm sure. The wonder of our friendship is in the comfort we have with each other. Sitting quiet, finishing each others sentences, never needing to finish them, the laughter, the tears are just a few things that come to mind when I think of you!

I think back to a few things you've done for me over the last year and there are many. I can still burst out laughing at the image of me on your couch in my sad little state curled up in your purple blanket I love so much, with you strutting your stuff in your purple presents. Too funny, you and your purple fashion show. That scarf and flip flops, still hilarious. The afternoon with Pam and the whole 'Moanona' (don't even know how to spell it) still gets me laughing uncontrollably. Now who's the smitten kitten?

Simple words will never come close to imply what I feel for you and what you represent to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I'm the one that really comes out on the winning end of this friendship! Love ya, sweetie.

Krista, Wee Krista Starting at the beginning is probably best! We started this friendship of ours prior to the end of my marriage. I'm so thankful for that small start. If not for those few outings I'd have missed out meeting one of the most amazing and inspiring women. How different, and not in a good way, would my life be without you in it. I'm so glad you were like a little kid in kindergarten and sent that e-mail.... what would I do without you?

Without you I'd not have had such a fun experience of my 'first' Corona! I thank you for that. Even me spilling it all over the table with my little thumb! The acohol abuse, imagine. I couldn't count nor would I want to know how many I've drank since then! My UFC Buddy and the alcohol abuse that first UFC at my place, scraping the spilled liquor in the blender... gotta love it. Painting with you is too fun... get it done and get the drinks a flowing. You marathoning home from Boston Pizza is too funny and still brings on the giggles.... Chariots of Fire inspired was you! You'd think all we did together is drink, but I know differently!

As we age it is more difficult to make friends, but with you and I its as though we've been friends forever. I hope forever is exactly where this friendship is headed. I look forward to that 40th of yours since I had to miss the 30th. Just think it will be a 10+ year friendship at that point! Tammy Turtle loves Wee Krista.

Debbie How you've grown to mean so much to me in the last year. You've always been here for me in your own sweet way. It took this past year for me to see for what it really is ~ a gift. It just hit me one day I've been friends with you now, longer than I've been married. For whatever reason, that just amazes me. You've been through the home pregnancy test for Princess, the first split, the second split and now this final split. If was a big moment in my life, it was usually with you I shared the day. Your generosity the last year is second to none and I am the one the comes out the winner in this friendship.

The laughter I've shared with you is something I cherish above most anything else. When the office door gets shut, look out because we're up to no good. I know without fail I can tell you absolutely anything, show you anything (I'll try to keep my pants on), ask you anything and depend on you for most things as long as it doesn't interrupt your sleep. Just kidding! I love you, but you knew that already!

My Cross Stitch Friends People will look at internet friends as not 'real friends', I beg to differ. You woman, and you know who you are, are some of the best friends a person could have. Who would have thought a simple craft and a place to share the love of that craft would bring such love and friendship to my life. To think I've never met so many, and will probably never meet you, I feel like you know me better than some I share my 'real' life with.

There have been phone calls, e-cards, e-mails, cyberhugs and overall support for all I've done and yet to do. You offer a safe place for me to share the trials and successes of my life. I can not thank you enough for never giving up on me and encouraging me to put needle to thread again after such painful comments which threw me emotionally off balance for sooo long.

I look forward to the many years of friendship yet to be with each of you. I love you like you'll never know and I'm blessed to share in the parts of your life you give each day.

Leigh ~ Girl, how I love you! I will never be able to do justice to you and what you bring to my life. You came into my life as a family member and you've become so much more than that. You are a friend and someone I'm more than blessed to have in my life. This relationship we share could have gone either way with the end of my marriage, but I believe it is this love of each other that has enabled us to continue this friendship and let it grow and not suffer from outside influences.

In the earliest days of my marriage demise, it was Mike and you that were holding the net when I was freefalling! I thank you for that and so much more than simple words could show, I love you like no other. It is fate that brought you to my life and your wonderful spirit that has kept you there. I love you, sweetie!

Cute Boy I've mentioned you many times throughout this blog without using your name, but today I feel I have to give you your due in the process of the tipping of my hat to those who have been instrumental in my growth.

We have known each other and been friends for years which makes this new element to our relationship so much easier. I have a trust in you that makes these new, exciting steps all the more exciting. I've said it many times, wherever we travel in this journey together, I'm thankful for everything that lead me to you. I would take every hurt, tear and mistake ten times over, if at the end of the day it is with you I'm sharing my life. You represent to me a faith in another I thought I'd given up on, but one look from you I'm thankful for the risk.

You bring out the best in me. I'm in such a wonderful place right now and it is with that thought, I thank you. You're so good to me and even better for me. You challenge me, you inspire me to be a better person than I thought I could be, you show me how it is to not give up and you do this with a softness I appreciate more than I think you're aware. The simplicity of what I feel for you, is that I absolutely adore you and with that there is so much more. Every day I learn more about you and even more about myself. Wherever we go, whatever we do, as long as I'm sharing these things with you, right here, right now I'm right where I want to be! I look forward to what tomorrow brings! May you never question the depth of emotion or commitment I feel for you.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Get To Know Me Christmas

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Both
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Red
4. Do you hang mistletoe? not in the past, but maybe this year
5. When do you put your decorations up? They are up right now
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Too many to list
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't remember
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Pajamas
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Downstairs tree will be with homemade ornaments (countryish) Upstairs will be red and gold
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it when it's pretty and falling, dread driving in it.
12. Can you ice skate? I can, but it is a sight.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? A snowman-like belly peircing from Princess last year
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? My daughters' happiness and being with those I love.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pumpkin pie.... pumpkin anything really.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Watching A Christmas Carol
17. What tops your tree? I forget, I'm sorry
18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Without a doubt, giving
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Too many to list
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yum!

Think not. Live

My horoscope today leads me to this thought: Think not. Live

I've not always been one to read my horoscope, but lately I've become quite enthralled with what it predicts. This is an interesting prediction today. Is it like the music? Does it fit because we want it to fit, or does it fit because it just fits? The striking comment is

the changes within your outward surrounding represent reflections of
transformations taking place within you

An increase in your financial status could lead to changes within your household. You might choose to redecorate, or purchase new furniture, or you might actually decide to move to a better place. A member of the household might move out. Although it may seem illogical, Tammy , the changes within your outward surroundings represent reflections of transformations taking place within you. Don't let fear or inertia cause you to hold back. Go with the flow.

I've been wanting to fix my house up for some time now and sell it. I love my house, but I think in my heart of hearts I'm ready for a change. I always find it sad when people fix their house to the way they want it, they sell it. I waited so long when I was married to have my house the way I wanted it to be, but something other than fixing the house or finishing the house was always more important. Now that I own the house myself, I have limited money to fix it up, but it is what I really want to do. I want to put my personality on my home. I want, and this may sound as though I'm superficial with all my wants, but that's not it at all, it is that I've discovered things I want to surround me in my home and they are:

~A harvest (country farm) table ~ looking but having a hard time finding one.
~A country type photograph to hang on the wall by the kitchen table... looking and finding a few to choose from.
~I'm aching to finish my bedroom. I have most everything for it. I want a room that is soft and warm, a place that I can just be. A place that represents the deepest of me and a sense of 'awww' when I walk in the room. I think I can pull it off. I hope I can!
~Finish my computer room into a sports (mostly Yankee) themed room.
~I would love to have someone come in and paint a NY city skyline on the wall at my back.
~I want a country cottage type door hung in the front of the house. I own it, I just have to get it hung up.
~I want to get things started in the girls' rooms.

All this from a horoscope! Imagine if this floats out from one little horoscope, all the frightening, but wonderful thoughts filling my head.

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Value of a Friendship - ode to Velda

There is no value that could ever be attatched to the gift of a friend.

I had the most amazing day with the most amazing woman. Over the years we've been around the block a few times. It has been the challenges of our life that has probably taught us most about each other. I know we're alot alike in many ways and vastly different in others, but I know without a doubt whatever my need, I'll always have you in my corner.

A simple 'Welcome to the neighbourhood' from you one Hallowe'en night and how many years later we have this friendship that respresents so much to me. You bring a grounding to my willy nilly ways and a laughter to my foolishness. You never hesitate to ask the hard questions and give the space and time I need to find the answers. I can't imagine the number of sentences that never get finsihed, at least not by me, maybe by you, but most definetely not me. You welcome me to your life with a hug (every time) and I couldn't love you more for each and every one. Who would have seen this friendship grow so strong? I surely didn't see it, especially through the troubles we had. I think the troubles, as sad as they were at the time, turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

We may not always agree with what the other does or believes, but the support is something never questioned. I have a confidence in your belief in me that brings tears to my eyes. I know I can tell you anything without judgement. Deep from the heart feelings that you just let me throw around. Sometimes I don't even let the words come and you know what they are ~ you're priceless. Blessed is I, loved is you.

Never for one minute, wherever this road leads in our life, question my love and respect for you. You are a most amazing woman and I'm so thankful for the day we became friends.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Alyssa Lies

Alyssa Lies

My little girl met a new friend,
just the other day,
on the playground at school
between the tires and the swings

But she came home with tear-filled eyes,
and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"

Well I just brushed it off at first,
'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt
or the things she had seen.
I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me"

and she said...

"Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"

My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep.
As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet
"God bless my mom and my Dad
and my new friend, Alyssa
*oh*I know she needs you bad

Because Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"


I had the worst night of sleep in years
as I tried to think of a way to calm her fears
I knew just what it was I had to do *I knew exactly what I had to do*
but when we got to school on Monday I heard the news

My little girl asked me why everybody looked so sad
the lump in my throat grew bigger
with every question that she asked.
Until I felt the tears run down my face
and I told her that Alyssa wouldn't be at school today

'Cause she doesn't lie in the classroom
she doesn't lie anymore at school
Alyssa lies with Jesus
because there's nothin' anyone would do

Tears filled my eyes when my little girl asked me why
Alyssa lies
*Oh Daddy, oh* Daddy tell me why
Alyssa lies

by: Jason Michael Carroll

I heard this song last night. I didn't expect it to be so powerful or move me like it did. By the end of the song my entire body was a goosebump and tears just rolled down my face. I'm not so sure if it's that having Alyssa's name in the title makes it even worse, whatever it is breaks my heart.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Things I know

I love to have my neck kissed
I dislike slow drivers in the left lane
I love the sweet smell of cologne
I dislike rude people
I love to be held
I worry too much what people think of me
I no longer worry if my children like me. That is for another time and the cost of that is too high
I love the colour red
I love to be snuggled
I am a softer more gentle person than I was just a year ago
I don't worry about growing old
I like myself more now that I ever have before
I miss the time I use to have to read
I am more at peace than ever before in my life
I love Autumn
I dislike Winter and hate being cold
I own more than enough pairs of jeans
I would love to be able to buy a new pair every 2 weeks (payday)
I love buying hair styling products
I hate the time it takes to do my hair
I love wearing baseball hats, but don't very often anymore
I love the reason for not wearing the ballcaps much anymore
I love the smell of warm bread
I love to watch fire burn
I listen to music most every minute of my day
I love where I am in my life right this minute
I know I was so afraid of being a failure and now know I'm going to be fine
I love to have candles burning
I love my friends more than I think they know
I know I'm in a wonderful place right now

I think for now, that is more than enough of what I know. You'd think I had something profound to say, but not so much! Just a bunch of nattering on a night I can't sleep and again, thoughts running through my head.

Sweet dreams to you as I clear my head and go to bed!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Are you opened or closed?

Do you have an open approach to life where you welcome people and experiences to your life or do you close off and stay in your safe zone, fearful of change?

I find if I look honestly at my life I'd have to say I'm a combination of both. I've closed the door on some and have to figure out a way, if there is one, to open those doors. It is though sometimes there is a huge hurdle keeping the door closed and regardless of how I push to open it the door slams in my face. I will get to the point that it hurts too much so I'll stop pushing.

I've always tried to look at life as an adventure, although I'm not that adventurous in nature. I'm not one to have a lot of 'friends', but I have a lot of friends. By that I mean I know a lot of people and can call them friends, but really they would be acquaintances. Can you really ever share your life with too many people? If you bring one person in or are brought in to another's life, is that not just one more person to learn from, laugh with, and possibly build a future? I don't mean a future the sense of a future of togetherness so much, but more a history with another person. Is it not that everyday you're touched by the friendship and love of another you're better for it?

Looking at life from the closed approach, for me is just so very sad. I know people are different and need different things out of life and in saying so, I could understand a person's need for private individual time. What I struggle with is the constant desire to be alone rather than take a risk and possibly experience something new or different than what you know. Is introverted different from loner? Is loner different from being alone? That I know, most definitely!

My life and thoughts are such a struggle at times. I do what I can to find balance and realize that life is not easy and the older I get the more struggles I'm facing. My life isn't turning out quite the way I expected, but I know in my deepest, sweetest and most private thoughts I'm right where I want to be right now. I wouldn't change a day of my history if I would end up somewhere other than where I am at this very moment. Regardless of where my future takes me, be it good times, struggles, love and loss I will take every day with the open approach I've come to embrace and travel the adventurous road that has become my life. Closing off is a risk I'm not willing to take and will never settle for anything less than following my heart and dreams. Closing off is a loss of life and a lesson some may never learn because of being closed off in the first place.

What Does Love Mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What Does Love Mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Common Denominator

I'm in a real funk lately and it is getting old and fast. There isn't much I can see right now to change things, so it is here that I come to get the garbage out of my head in hopes of atleast getting things processed on some level. Please bare with me. I'm hoping there is light at the end of this dark, dank and cold tunnel.

How honestly do you think you see your life and those in your life? Surrounding me are questions such as this, and I can't seem to escape them no matter how much I try. I'm faced with hard questions with even harder answers.

Do you ever really know someone or do you only know what he or she wants you to know? I've had this conversation a few times with a very special friend (love ya, Jane) and it is now a question weighing heavy on my mind.

I'm coming out of a 15-year marriage that has taught me many things about myself and about my ex-husband. This past year has been one filled with trials, tribulations, tears, laughter, struggles and most importantly a new appreciation of who I am as a person. I've learned I'm stronger than I could ever imagine. I'm softer than in the past, not so edgy or ready to snap. I used to think I had a good life, but I think it was all smoke and mirrors, so I've also learned to be a bit mistrusting. This mistrust is new for me and not something I'm comfortable with and hope to change.

The smoke and mirrors is bringing me back to how well you really know someone. Do I really have this Polly Anna view of the world, or my world at least that I only see what I want to see? I wonder this because I've come to find I was married to a man, boy really, that I never honestly knew and if I did, it has been years since I truly knew him. My children are in a place right now that I don't really recognize them for who I thought they were as people. I'm not pleased with the character they've shown lately. It isn't so much that they’re not doing as I want them to do, but more to the point they aren't showing the character with which they were raised. I look at this situation and am probably hardest on myself than anyone else in asking, 'Did you see only what you wanted to see?' Of the family of four that I used to be part, I'm the common denominator of all these people in thinking people not being who I thought they were. Is it me? I think maybe it is! How could 3 people be so good at smoke and mirrors that I'm convinced of one thing but it actually being something else entirely? True to pattern, and it's an ugly pattern, I take the blame and the hit for this one! It is what I do and do it well.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

To Stand or To Fall?

Lately I've noticed music is playing more and more a factor in my life. It is representative of a lot things for me and over the last year I'd have not gotten through tough times if not for some very good friends and along with those friends, music.

I'm sitting here at work. The dead of night and the racing of my thoughts will not stop. I'm struggling with things which is the point of my life right now. I'm so close, or so I think, to true, honest heartfelt happiness and I'm afraid of losing it all. I'm afraid of losing my kids, their appreciation, respect of others, a man I've come to care for more deeply than I think even he is aware.

On the radio comes this song. The lyrics don't fit my life exactly, but the message is simple. I'm moving on. I can no longer be controlled by someone no longer in my life. Thankfully no longer in my life for I wouldn't be where I am so desperately content and happy if I could be left to enjoy it for one minute... one minute is all I ask. I just have to be strong enough to take the stand and hold my ground. I hope I'm doing the right thing and I don't lose it all, and I mean all when I say 'all'. What is the cost of being true to yourself? Is the cost too high to take the stand or is the cost too high to not? Is it selling out yourself if you don't hold true to what you know is right? Take the hit from the one doing the hitting? When will the hitting end? Today? Unlikely. Tomorrow? I think not! Ever? Probably never!

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on