Where does the time go?
You look in the eyes of your newborn sweet baby girl and it's like all of a sudden she's 13. It's not as though I'm shocked by the number of her age, but by the passing of time. She's always been mature for her age, almost too mature, really. Did I push her to be so? I wonder.
Why is it my children have a birthday and I get melancholy? I get weepy every time either of the girls have a birthday. I like to think it's not being self-absorbed and thinking about myself, but that I do so because of the memory of what it was like to first hold them, love them, smell them. The promise of their life in those first few moments come back on each and every birthday. As each one comes and goes I'm faced with the fact my babies need me less and less everyday. Is that a good thing? I think so at times. I like to think it means on some level I've done a good job in raising independent incredible young woman so far.
I didn't do the forming and nurturing alone, but lately I have and that brings with it a certain amount of sadness, but on some narcissistic, level, pride as well. I would never have dreamed in a million years to be raising my daughters in a broken home, but a home that is happier. I try to keep a positive spin on life and I find at times like this, I struggle. The cost of divorce is high. Where is there a positive to be found in a 13 year old girl that doesn't see her father on her birthday? If there is one, someone enlighten me, because I sure as heck can't see it. I would move a mountain to be with my children. Does that make me a hero? I think not. Does it make me judgemental of those that do differently? That really is the question. What is more important than your children? A tattoo? A shopping trip? Help me out here would ya, I'm confused.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Where does the time go?
Saturday, August 26, 2006
How do you top a day like this? Oh, I don't think that is possible as far as seeing performers. Seeing Keith in concert is something I've wanted to do for some time now.
Awwww, the dreams of little girls. This is one hot honey of a man! I've been fortunate to see a lot of live acts and seeing Keith Urban is a dream come true. There has never been an artist smile as much as Keith did throughout his concert. From his first song to his last you could tell he was having a blast.
I was able to enjoy the concert with Jane, Sam and Lily. It couldn't have been any more fun. Jane is such a huge Keith fan. As soon as I knew Keith was going to be in Syracuse I knew Jane and I had to be there. The only difficult thing and it wasn't really difficult just a bit uncomfortable was Lillian and Sam. The girls used to be best friends, but they have since grown apart and didn't talk to each other much at all. They both enjoyed the concert, but I think it was a bit tough for them. I'm surprised from all the clapping I did during the concert my hands weren't bruised like they were after seeing Garth.
A little disappointed because I have no pictures of Keith in concert. I hate being one to follow the rules! It was stated no cameras allowed, but people had cameras, but not me ~ NO, not me.
I did a bit of shopping while in Watertown (driving through) and Syracuse. I love shopping in the states. I think this stems from all the episodes of 'The Price is Right' that I used to watch as a child. I've always had a love affair with America and the American way of life so shopping in the states is always such fun!
What concert next? I'll have to keep my eyes open for some good hot act to catch sometime soon.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 4:35 PM
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I just got home from Theory of A Deadman! My ears were and still are ringing so bad. It was such a great concert. This is the third time I've seen them in concert and any time in the future I can see them, I will. That Trevor is one hot looking dude and can he sing!!!
I've been to a few concerts already this summer and have a few others to attend yet, but knowing that I've seen Theory of A Deadman has to be a definite highlight. They had the place rockin'.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 12:23 AM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
With the excitement of yesterday behind me I'm feeling a bit of an anxiousness. I didn't see this coming. Is it the release of adrenaline that got me through yesterday? Probably! I'm not happy with the way I'm feeling today so I'm going to push forward but yet again to get out of a slump I'm not even in yet in an effort to not hit another slump.
The signing of the separation agreement was rather anticlimatic. It was extrememly difficult to take this major step and have to do it with Rob right there. A good thing is we each signed with my lawyer while the other sat in the waiting room. I would much rather been there by myself, but it wasn't to be that way, sadly. Rob just doesn't understand the destruction left in his wake. He just wanted to talk and 'catch up'. I chose to answer his questions, but to give nothing more than 'stranger being polite' answers. I did take great joy in his befuddlement of not understanding my turtle tattoo. I shouldn't be so shallow to take joy out of something like this, but the pain to get to this point was just too deep for me to share with him, not to mention that very pain was doled out by his hand, actions and words. No thanks, I'll keep that to myself or those that love and support me now!
I always think about why things are they way they are, how they come to be and yesterday was no different. In the lawyers office was a small book with quotes and sayings that I found so true and some very much in touch with what I've been dealing. I was waiting for Rob to finishing signing when I came across this quote that fits me (hopefully) to a 'T'.
Watch the turtle; he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out
I've a busy day ahead of me and I'm hoping it will keep my mind occupied and the melancholy from taking over. So, on that note I'd best be getting doing the things that are going to keep me busy!
Posted by Tammy Smart at 10:56 AM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I've got a big day ahead of me. It will be one more step in the dissolution of my marriage. I'm signing my separation agreement today and it could prove to be a very emotional happening. The pressure I put on myself to be this, to be that is incredible and for today I must put the most pressure ever to get through this appointment with the strength I'm not sure I possess. The biggest issue facing me isn't so much that I have to sign the agreement, that I'm actually looking forward to, but the fact that Rob has to be there too is going to take a lot of strength and emotion I don't have to spare. The feelings I once had for this man are long gone. Hurts have been too deeply set for me to feel anything more for him than frustration and disgust. My anxiety about today doesn't stem from anything other than the fact that being around him is like having the life sucked out of me. He is so demanding, even now from a distance that I'm emotionally exhausted from dealing with him even for the short period of time I will have to today. For once it would be nice if he'd have just played by the rules and hired the services of a lawyer and not been so lackadaisical about this situation. I guess, if I were to be totally honest I think I'm scared to death to see him. How do you get from a marriage, a best friend, a lover to being disgusted and small bit afraid to be around the person? Hmmmm, this would be pondering topics for another day, but not today!
I know there is skepticism in the belief of horoscopes but not for me today. My horoscope for today is spot-on! I get this e-mail daily and in my in-box today was this: Tammy, you shouldn't even try to find a reasonable explanation to what goes on around you today; there isn't one. Let yourself be carried by the tides of emotions from the past that will run through your body and soul. There's no use trying to control them, they need to come out. Instead, take the time to revitalize yourself, in the intimacy of your home or at a friend's.
I'll see what the day brings. No need worrying about something I can't control, right?
Posted by Tammy Smart at 8:20 AM
Monday, August 14, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I'm here today with an update on my all time favorite stitching piece, Paula Vaughan's Summer Breeze. I've been working on this for some time now and I've an update of how it looks at 90 hours. I'm really happy with what I was able to accomplish in this rotation.
I'm now working on Paula Vaughan's Job's Tears. I'm hoping I'll not be too long with an update for that piece, but with life being a three-ring circus most days I don't hold out much hope for success. Stitching wise life is awesome. I've been able to get a fair amount accomplished when I'm at work, now at home that is whole other story all together.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 5:57 PM
Friday, August 11, 2006
What a day I've had. It is incredible the way you can wake up one day and it just seem like an ordinary day when it is anything but ordinary.
I'm making progress every day in getting stronger for myself and in turn for the girls. Today was a huge day in the separation/divorce process. I had to see the mortgage specialist. Looks like right now as though all systems are a go. It is a happy moment for me because I'll finally find some financial freedom (enough words starting with 'f'?) very soon. I'm so excited about that part and to be able to take the girls shopping without worrying so much is going to be a gift in itself. Happy dancing days that will be, let me tell ya!
I booked an appointment for my next tattoo. I would have gotten it done today, but Berto was busy so I'll have to wait until Monday... man is the weekend ever going to take a long time to go. Can't believe I'm wishing a weekend away ~ sad sad happenings there, but all for a good cause. The best cause really!
My tattoo will be of a turtle on the inside of my left wrist. Since I've been going through the end of my marriage turtles have taken on a very powerful meaning to me. In the early days of the separation, eventual divorce I found I hid away from the world in a means of protecting myself from my hurts and from hiding from them as well. My dearest friends would try to reach out to me, but I was too deep in the pain. The only way I could put to words what I was doing was to say I was 'turtling', so came the 'Tammy Turtle'. The more I thought about the turtle the more it would come to represent to me. The turtle no longer represents the hiding or protecting of myself, but the distance I've come from the all the pain I was hiding from in the darkest of days.
One of the best parts of my tattoo is that I was given money today for my birthday from 2 of the best friends a girl could ever have! Pam and Velda, I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you for your friendship, support and love through all of this nightmare, but we're so close to finished and even closer to better days ahead.
Pam, I know I ride you at times, but you are incredible and that doesn't even come close to what I really would like to say. You've been here in the best of times in my life and more times than not lately, the worst. You just let me ramble on, and ramble on I do! I'd take that crappy job many times over that enabled me to meet you! It was the worst job, but brought me the best friend! Thanks for absolutely everything. Love ya!
Velda, Girl you are one of a kind and that is the highest of compliments. You sometimes know me like no other...you finish my sentences and some days that can be a challenge because half the time we never get those sentences finished. The laughter, tears and peace I feel when I'm with you is just the best of the best. I have a comfort with you and a friendship thats been tested and overcome the challenge. Love ya!
I ramble on today because my head is filled with the possibilities of tomorrow and the pains of yesterday seem just a bit farther away than normal. Strange what a simple tattoo could represent. This coming from a girl that would judge those with tattoos and now I'm just the total opposite. The count down is on for probably the coolest little turtle around!
Posted by Tammy Smart at 9:44 PM
Originally posted Monday July 30, 2006
July Stitching Success
I've had one of my busiest stitching months that I can think of in a very long time. I worked on a total of 9 pieces this month and let me tell ya, it was fun. The following is the list of pieces and the time I was able to put into each piece.
- The Bride 3 hours
- Giggles Boy 6 hours (finished)
- Spirit of Christmas 3 hours 5 minutes
- Vicki's Quilt Square 4 hours 30 minutes
- Jill's Duck's 3 hours
- Vicki's FFF 20 hours 15 minutes
- Halloween Fairy 6 hours 20 minutes
- Be Warm Be Welcome 5 hours
- Robin's Finish It piece 1 hour 30 minutes
It was a productive month with a total stitching time of 52 hours 40 minutes. I don't remember when I've last stitched that much. It far surpasses my goals of an average of an hour per day. I saw the completion of 1 piece, Giggles boy and the start of 2 others, Be Warm Be Welcome and Halloween Fairy. What am I doing? Having fun would be the best answer to that question I think.
- Summer Breeze 5 hours done
- Spirit of Christmas 10 hours ~ 5 hours a rotation piece and 5 while switching back and forth for 1 hour between the other pieces Finished 2 hour
- Job's Tears 5 hours done
- Angel Proclamation 5 hours done
- Hydrangea Harvest 10 hours
- Dear Santa 5 hours
These are rather lofty goals considering this might prove to be a bit busier month than July, but I'm hopeful I can hit these goals. I'm staying home more (almost hermit like) and it is enabling me to get in a lot of stitching time.
Things in life have been busy but boring this past month if that makes any sense at all. I've finally got a signing date for my separation agreement as most of you are now aware. Life has settled into a dull calm, but after all the drama I see from time to time its not all bad.
The loneliness of being single is overwhelming sometimes. Really if I didn't have my stitching and lately all the movies I've rented to occupy my nights, I'd be stir crazy by now. I'm glad I pretty much like myself because that is who I most spend my time with ~ me. I may sound as though I'm feeling sorry for myself I'm not really, just figuring out my place in life right now and that place would be me on my own. Will it always be like this, I think so, so I might as well work at getting used to it. It's not all bad just different from what I've lived with the last 20 years of my life.
Things with the girls is well. I'm thankful for that more than I can tell you. They have crazy busy social lives which at times drives me crazy, but thats okay too. It gives me something to do.
I'm a bit excited for the month of August because myself, Lily a friend of mine and possibly her daughter are going to see Keith Urban in concert at the Syracuse State Fair August 25. I've not mentioned it before because I don't want to wish away the summer. I'm also going to see Theory of A Deadman, George Canyon and Hedley at a local concert venue about 20 minutes from town. It should promise to be a lot of fun. Alyssa has wanted to see Theory of A Deadman for quite some time now. I've seen them 3x times already and everytime in a bar. They are amazing! I told her as soon as they played in a venue other than a bar I'd take her, so I'm taking her. I can't wait, but again don't want to wish the summer away.
July has been a pretty good month for me getting things done around the house. I've had my door partially repaired. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am about that! It is awesome to have someone fix my door that actually knows a thing or two about what he's doing. I've painted the kickplates on my stairs. They look so much better and it was a half hour job to do. Too cool. I was able to get rid of an old canoe from my backyard. It looks better already. Now to get back there and really get it cleaned up. It's a lot of work, but I think in the end it will be a lot better. I have some ideas brewing in my head about how to clean it up and decorate it down there. I'll have to remember some time to take a pic so we'll have a before and after comparison.
Well, I think that is all I have to natter on about tonight. I've not written in my journal in quite some time and now to open the floodgates it never stops!
Love, hugs and happy stitching to you all.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 1:25 PM
Originally Friday July 21, 2006
I've been working on my Halloween Fairy the last couple days. I was able to get 3 hours in on today. She still doesn't look like much, but she'll start to look like something sooner or later.
I'm hoping to get Hallowe'en Fairy to 10 hours then I'll move on to an hour of Spirit of Christmas than to Robin's Finish It piece.
I was off today, but not really. I worked a midnight and had to sleep. It makes me a bit sluggish, but all things considered I got a bit done around the house.
I painted the kick plates on the one set of stairs. It was a quick job and not the best I could/should have done, but it looks so much better than before. I took me about 30 minutes. I'll never understand why I delayed this little job for so long now that I've got it finished.
I got news from the Taxation office yesterday that I qualify for a Child Tax Credit now that I'm separated and soon to be divorced. I gave each of the girls 1/2 the cheque to get them started on back to school shopping. This extra money every month will really help in them getting things I've been otherwise unable to get for them. I felt a bit of a relief at this little tidbit of news. My plan is to be able to give them this money monthly even though they don't know it yet. It feels good to be able to give a little to them for all they've been through.
On that giving thought, I've been hearing a lot of grumbing from Alyssa on behalf of her friends and the relationship her friends have with their parents. I will ask things about the girls and the parents letting them take the city bus at 10 and 11 o'clock at night.... can the parents not drive them and things along that line. Alyssa informs me that the parents just give money, but aren't 'available' to the kids. Now I know this is just one side of the story, but so very sad just the same. I don't have a lot of money to give, but don't people realize time is free really. This has been eating at me the last couple days and had to get it off my chest.
I'm really having a difficult time having no kitty cats around the house. I've been watching the papers for free kittens but no luck which isn't all bad. I've put the word out to friends that I'm looking for kittens, but nothing on that front either. Things will work out when the time is right so I'll not stress about it at this point or at all.
Thats all from me for now.
Love, hugs and happy stitching to you all.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 1:20 PM
Originally posted Saturday July 15, 2006
I was able to put 3 hours 15 minutes into Vicki's FFF. I'm really having difficulty with an error in the piece and for the life of me I can not find it. Firefly fairies just about learned to fly today for real as I was soooo tempted to fire them across the room. I had to get out of dodge so to that end I moved to somewhere else in the pattern that I know is correct in counting and started there. Much less stressful that part was, let me tell ya. I can not for the life of me figure out what is off or where. It's like looking at a puzzle that you just can't get to fit properly.
I will make sure when I send this piece on that I do the best I can to try and explain the area or situation so as maybe the next person can hopefully figure it out. The error isn't so much the problem, as much as I don't want to compound on the error, not being able to figure it out makes me want to scream.
Absolutely nothing going here today. I worked, as usual but other than that I did nothing much more than stitch. I spent some time with Lil, but Alyssa was pretty much gone as soon as she was out of the shower from work.
The girls are out for the night, so I'm here alone which is really no big deal. I'm getting somewhat used to it now. I have to ask though, when did my girls develop more of a social life than me? How pathetic!
Since nothing much going on in my personal life and stitching news is covered, I'm out of here for now.
Love, hugs and happy stitching to all.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 1:17 PM
Originally posted Thursday July 13, 2006
I had an awesome stitching day. I finished one of major pieces and it feels wonderful. I was able to stitch today while visiting Velda. I put 2 hours and 30 minutes in to Giggles Boy and I couldn't be happier to have him finished.
It's a bit scary this stitchy wave I've been riding. I won't be able to keep this pace up for long, but it's fun while I'm riding it.
I'm trying to figure out what piece to have as my next focus piece. I've got nothing but time, so I'm in no hurry to figure that one out. Until then I'm back to Vicki's FFF piece tonight when I get to work. I'm looking forward to maybe getting another 1 hour and half in on it tonight which is about all I can accomplish on a midnight.
Things here are quiet but busy. I'm working ridiculous shifts. I got off work at 2am today and I'm heading back to work for 2am again. I'll get off tomorrow moring at 7am to have to turn around and be back to work 24 hours later a completely different shift. Is it any wonder I walk around exhausted most of the time.
I had an awesome day with Velda today. It is so good to have a person to just sit with it and know you're okay. We had fun today, but for us, we were quiet at times. It was awesome, and when we were laughing, as always it was great fun. She fed me the best salad today, nothing special just the best garden salad. I think it was the red onion, oh ya and the feta cheese, that sealed the deal. Two of my favorite foods with one of my favorite people. What could be better I ask you?
I'm taking my work out bag with me to work tonight in the hopes of running 3K when I get off work at 7am. It is beautiful down by the hospital and a run by the water might be just the thing I need at 7am.... All things considered I'll probably end up home in bed by 7:30a, but my hearts in the right place.
The girls are gone for the night having a sleep over and man is it ever quiet around here with them gone. I crave the quiet sometimes and then when I get it I don't particularly like it.
That's all for now.
Love, hugs and happy stitching to you all.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 1:13 PM
Originally posted July 12, 2006
I'm back with another update of sorts. I've had an absolutely awesome stitchy day.
I worked on Giggles boy for 3 hours 15 minutes. I'm sooo close to finished. I'm holding out hope for tomorrow. I really need to get my WIP numbers down so I can make room for more pieces. I'm a junkie, I know. I've become a reborn stitching fiend, I think.
I found the most wonderful cross stitch today, Yankee stadium. What could be more fitting for me, than that? Okay a few things, I know. I literally screamed when I saw Yankees stadium too! It's rather funny now thinking back.
I'm in the process of gathering all my DMC floss colours. I've been struggling with not having colours and its gotten to the point where I've had enough.
I'm getting a little nervous about the quiet of my life. I know I shouldn't but I have this 'calm before the storm' kind of feeling. I hate having that 'what's next' feeling. Oh well, not much I can do so I'll just ride it out until whenever.
I've been trying to keep busy around the house. Get things done, but not spend too much money doing it. It's a challenge at the best of times. I can't wait until things are resolved and my house is MY house. Sounds selfish, a bit, but it's been too long now with this life just hanging in the balance.
I've been talking with Alyssa a bit about starting to save to buy a car. It was a grand plan of her father's to buy her a Ford Mustang as her first car, well I can't afford to do so, as much as I would like to be able. I'm trying to encourage Alyssa to save money each paycheque and I'll match her dollar for dollar letting her set the amount each of her pay cheques. I'll let you know what she decides..... would be a no-brainer to me, but whatever.
Love, hugs and happy stitching to you.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 1:08 PM
Originally posted Tuesday July 11, 2006
I didn't stitch as much today as I have in the previous 2 days, but I've hit my goal of 10 hours on Vicki's piece before an hour on Giggles. Vicki's piece is gorgeous. All in all I'm really happy with the amount of stitching I got done in 10 hours. There is a mistake in it somewhere and it's driving my batty. It has really altered the way I'm stitching it, but what's a cross stitch without a challenge somewhere along the way.
I'm really pondering starting Mira's Halloween Fairy. Once all others have their patterns and stuff in order I think I'll look at a SAT. Like I really need another piece in the long line of rotation pieces, but what the heck. I'm not hurting anyone, right? Right!
How about I just get a life? I've not been doing much lately. I've been trying to clean the house a little bit a time each day. Seems to be working so far, but boy do I ever have to have a meeting with Mr. Clean. Poor neglected house. I stress about it all the time. The girls tell me not to worry so much, it's our house and we're fine.... so translate 'don't sweat the small stuff'.
I have someone coming to the house tomorrow to look at taking the canoe that is just sitting in the backyard. I don't know if I should be just giving stuff away, atleast not until the divorce is finalized, but again, what the heck. I'm so tired of my backyard looking yucky so the first thing to go is the canoe! WOOHOO!
Well, now that I've hit my stitching goal I'm going to take some time to read. I've not been reading much at all lately and really miss it, so on that note.....
I love you bunches.
Love, hugs and happy stitching to you
Posted by Tammy Smart at 1:05 PM
Originally posted Monday July 10, 2006
I've just put Vicki's FFF piece away for the night. I've logged another 3 hours 20 minutes on it tonight. If I keep this pace up I'll have 10 hours on it by tomorrow. I don't see that being a problem.
How fun it is to be logging this kind of stitchy time. How I love this craft. I thank my lucky stars for each of you daily and for not giving up on me not allowing me to give on stitching.
I went and picked up the floss I needed today for 3 other pieces and I did a bad bad thing when I was at Michael's. I picked up scrapbooking stuff!!!! What am I thinking? I barely have time in my life for the things I have on the go now. Where in the world do I think I'll find time to scrapbook?
My life as usual is quiet. Absolutely nothing going on at the moment. I'm almost to the point where I'm bored to death. It's all work, housework, trying to spend time with the girls (that's a joke) and more work. As bored as I feel, I'm always busy, but it is busy work nothing much fun. I used to be filled with energy and stuff to do, now I'm always exhausted and constantly running. Hmmmmm, what's a girl to do?
Life is on an even keel right now, so I'll just enjoy it while I have it because The Lord only knows whats in store for tomorrow.
Hugs, love and happy stitching to you all.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 1:01 PM
Originally Sunday July 9, 2006
I've been yet again emotionally set on my ear. This is frustrating on many levels, but mostly because it takes my head out of the stitching game! I get so annoyed when I let things like this upset my balance with my stitching. I love stitching so much, but can so easily get pushed off track. I'll have to work on that about myself.
I'm trying to find the focus again and in doing so I'm hoping to work on Vicki's FFF. I don't have all the floss I need for this piece, but I'll do what I can. Seeing that it's already the 9th I'd better get a move on. My work schedule is very stitching friendly these next couple days, so all things considered, floss issues and stuff I should be able to get at least 5 hours in on it. Wish me luck.
Things are just moving along as usual. Nothing exciting to report. A girl in my office quit which resulted in 10 more hours on my pay cheque which is always good. I'm happy for the hours and money, but I lost my first string of 3 days off in a row in I don't know how long. I was hoping to take the girls away for a couple days, but apparently not now.
Things with the girls are okay, I guess. We don't see each other all that much which stresses me alot. They don't seem to mind, but I feel like they've become latchkey kids since this soon to be divorce!
That's all from me for now.
Love, hugs and happy stitching to you all.
Part 2 for today
I was able to get some stitching done today. Thank goodness I have to work or I'd barely get any stitching time in at all.
I logged 4 hours on Vicki's FFF piece. It is such a gorgeous design. It will be beautiful when finished, but I can somewhat understand why Velda hated working on her FFF so much. I always struggle with leaving holes for beads. It doesn't help matters any that I'm short 7 colours for this piece.
I have another 3 6p-2a shifts this week, so I should be able to get alot of stitching time in as long as a certain someone doesn't come and upset my apple cart.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 10:21 AM
Originally posted Sunday July 2, 2006
I've been stitching like a fiend lately. Its happens that way with me alot. I'll get a lot of time logged than lots of time thinking about my stitching because I'm just too busy to work on things.
I've been rotating my pieces in smaller time increments than I normally do and as odd as it this is, its working for me. I've taken the time recently to organize my WIP a bit better and it seems to really have made a difference.
I'm hoping before the end of this month to have Giggles Boy finished. I've hit my projected goal of 3 hours this month and it's only the 2nd..... Could it be I'm going to have a completion in the month of July? Oh me, oh my!
That's all from me for now.
Love, hugs and happy stitching days to you
Posted by Tammy Smart at 10:00 AM
Originally posted July 1, 2006
Spirit of Christmas
My goals for this month:
Jill's Duck Stamp ~ 9 hours (3 hours done)
Vicki's FFF ~ 10 - 15 hours (17 hours 5 minutes done)
The Bride ~ 3 hours (done)
Giggles ~ 3 hours (9hr 5min done) FINISHED JULY 13, 2006
I'll update as I accomplish each of my goals.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 9:38 AM
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Originally posted Friday June 30, 2006
I've not been stitching these last couple days. This is sad because the SAT is over now, but I think all things considered I did a great job. I know I made great progress on a couple pieces and look forward to getting back to them.
I was able to work on 4 or 5 pieces this past month. This is something I haven't done since I've been alone. Huge accomplishment, that one is for me.
I've been giving a lot of thought to starting something new. I need another piece in my rotation like I need a whole in the head, but the temptation is getting the better of me. I'm fighting it, but that little voice is getting louder and louder. Someone turn down the volume.
I think thats all for me for now. I am, and I've said it before, but I'm going to really try hard to keep up on this journal this month. I feel so much better at times when I get things in writing, so that is my goal for the month. Bear with me if you will..... I might get boring or foolish with this thing from time to time.
Things here are just moving along. Nothing much changing yet everything is so different. A few emotions from today just to give you an idea of how 'OMG' life is right now. I'm exhausted, bored, lonely, alive (and feel it too), apprehensive, anxious, disappointed and so much more.
This divorce process is just taking so darn long. I just want it over NOW. I want to move on with my life. I want to plan for MY future and do things for the girls and myself. I want to start paying on the mortgage and make this house mine. I would love to be able to have someone come in and help with the renovations, replace the stuff lost in the divorce... I just want to move on on my own right now.
Things with the girls is going okay. They're off on summer vacation thankfully. I love having them around more, not that they're with me much, but just the bodies in the house is kinda nice.
All things considered things are going well.
Love, hugs and happy stitching days to you all.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 6:31 PM
Originally posted Saturday June 10, 2006
I've been stitching a lot more lately compared to the months past. I've been working on Elise's Day and Night piece, I'm not sure of it's proper name I just make my own name for it. This piece in particular has really inspired me to stitch again. Thanks, Elise.
I stitched on two of my own pieces in the last couple days. I worked on Giggles Boy today as well as a bit on Angel Proclamation. Both in honour of the Mirabilia SAL for this month. I'm not sure if I'll have enough for an update, but hopefully.
Life is moving along. Quietly moving on which is good, bad and otherwise to be honest with you. I'm used to living a life always on the go and now that I'm on my own I'm not living that life. It is the lifestyle I miss more than I miss anything else, I think.
I have so much in my house/life that needs to be done, but I'm so exhausted I can't get the energy or desire to get it done. I get so frustrated with myself, it's not even a little bit funny anymore.
The girls are doing well, as much as I can tell. They tell me stuff, but only when they want (this is mostly Lillian). Lillian concerns me greatly. She is very much introverted and has such a skewed personal image of herself. It is way wrong from the person she is, but there is nothing I can do to out yell the internal dialogue (if that makes sense).
There is only a few more weeks of school and the girls will be relatively free for the summer. I'm really looking forward to having them around a bit more, but it will make life a lot more nuts for me, I'm sure.
The tone of this sounds whiney and I'm not in a whiney or blah mood, so apologies for that. Just the overwhelming thoughts of a single mother. I guess I'm still adjusting to this new place of mine.
Well, for now I will stop my chattering.
Happy stitching days to you all.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 6:24 PM
originally posted April 4, 2006
Still plugging away on Robin's Numbers piece. It seems right now, like I'm stitching and stitching on it, but not getting any closer to finished. I logged another 45 minutes today. I didn't hit my hopeful goal of an hour, but pretty close.
I'm getting the itch to start something new and I have to control the urge. The last thing I need is another piece in my rotation. It's been weeks since I've last worked on anything of my own, so who am I kidding?
The girls have been home sick from school for the last 2 days. I believe Lillian will be staying home on Wednesday too. She has a cold and just a simple cold, but it is keeping her up at night which is creating a very sluggish, tired little girl.
I've been giving some thoughts to my little Oscar dog. I think I've come to the conclusion I have to put him down. Please no flames. I've been giving it a lot of thought and have been cowardly about making a decision. He is peeing and pooping all over the place and has been since we got him. No matter what I do to try and train him it is no use. He will pee or poo right in front of you and right after he's come in from outside. My house is starting to smell really bad and it is driving me nuts.
Adding to the mess of the peeing and pooing, he has started to bite and snap at people. The girls have a really hard time getting him in his crate, which he must be put in because of the messing. He will snap and bite them. He's given me a few little nips from time to time. With all the kids I have in and out of my house, I'm afraid he'll bite someone and do some serious damage. I'm just torn up about this. Rob used to be the 'disposable' animal owner, not me. My heart is just broken. My heart was in the right place when I brought him home and now I just feel sick that I can't make this situation work.
On a happier note when I get off work Wednesday morning at 7am I don't have to come back to work until Sunday at 7am. I so need these days off it's not even a little bit funny.
For the first time in weeks I went to the gym today. It felt amazing to be back at it. I'm trying to focus on my midsection. I need to clean up my eating and work on my abs and see if I can find any definition there. It's a long road, but one I'm getting excited about travelling again. I've been away from the gym for a long time, a long time for me, anyway that being back felt just awesome. I'll see if I can get myself back there over the next couple days. This single mother thing along with working and dating it is a lot to juggle. Hats off to those that do so. You have my respect. It seems with all things I have on my plate, the gym is the first to go.
Well, enough chattering from me today.
Lots of love and happy stitching days to you.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 6:18 PM
originally posted April 3, 2006
I worked on Robin's AOY Numbers piece today. I was able to get as much done as I had hoped. I logged about an hour so I did make progress. All things considered I'm not too far from finished, so hopefully I'll get this in the mail long before the middle of the month.
I'm doing much better this month with my stitching time especially compared to last month. If I keep at it I shouldn't have much trouble meeting my goals for this month and possible even surpassing them.
Things in life are progressing in a comfortable if not a pleasurable manner. I'm at such a point of contentment it is hard to see the me of a few months ago. If it weren't for financial worries, I'd really have no worries whatsoever, at least not major worries.
I'm really getting anxious to get things with this impending separation agreement figured out. I want to move forward with my life and I feel this is slowing me down from doing so. I'm trying to be patient and let things take their course, but I'm not the most patient person in the world.
I'm going to an NHL hockey game in Ottawa in a week. It is with the girls, my cousin and her husband. I've never been to an NHL game before, so I'm stoked. It promises to be fun!
That's all for now. Things are really quiet, so I've not any very exciting news to share with you all. I try to spice things up a bit.
Love and happy stitching to you
Posted by Tammy Smart at 6:14 PM
originally posted April 1, 2006
I'm checking in with my dismal findings of March. My stitching times were so low, I'm ashamed. I logged in with a total of 17 hours 50 minutes. I don't know if Iv had a lower month ever, other than when I was at my lowest of low.
My goals for April:
- Finishing Robin's AOY number piece
- Elise's Queen of Freedom 15-20 hours
- The Bride 3 hours
We'll see how successful I can be this month. Hopefully things can slow down (ya, right ) and I can meet this personal goal!
Posted by Tammy Smart at 6:09 PM
originally posted Thursday March 23, 2006
I worked on Elise's Dragons again today. I logged another 40 minutes. Its coming along nicely as far as appearance goes, but it seems to be slow going as far as getting to the end. It is a beautiful design, but a lot more intricate than appears to the eye.
I would liked to have stitched tonight, but was just too busy with other things and really too tired. Hopefully tomorrow I can put forth some effort and get another chunk done.
Things in life are pretty much the same as when I last updated. Rob is putting on the pressure to 'get it done'. I don't know what he expects me to do, but whatever it is I can't do it! I've been having emotional moments with regards to him lately and then moments of extreme annoyance and frustration. Never being through a divorce before I don't know if this is normal or not, but it probably is, I would think.
I've been trying to work on the house a bit this week. I did drywall compound the wall behind the other computer. I sanded it tonight too (reason I wasn't stitching). What a mess drywall dust is. I forgot how much I hate the mess of drywall dust. It gets in absolutely everything! YUCK! I'm hoping on Sunday I'll hopefully be able to get the time to get it primed. I really love working on the house. The changes are so very exciting. I wish money wasn't such an issue so I could do more than the little bit I am doing. I guess every little bit helps.
I've not been going to the gym lately and my weight is creeping up some! I have to figure out how to offset that and soon. I don't go to the gym alot, one because of time but the other because the cost of gas in my car all the time and the cost of parking. I've not had to live frugal in a long time and now I am. It makes me feel like a snot for all the times others would worry about money and I would just live my life! Ashamed of myself really. Time to suck it up and realize my life is just changing in every way possible.
Well, I guess that is enough nattering from me for the time being.
Thanks for reading the saga of my life to this point.
Love and happy stitching to you
Posted by Tammy Smart at 6:02 PM